Angry Inky's World

2011-08-30T23:14:00.000-07:00

This blog no longer exists. You will be redirected to my new blog in a few seconds. Thank you!!

Giving Up The Ghost

2008-12-16T10:28:00.000-08:00

I'm not one to easily admit defeat, but let's face it. This blog is getting ignored. I'm just not posting here any more. Sorry folks, but two blogs is just too many. So, until further notice, you can find me over at my other blog. I'm not saying this blog is dead, I'm not ready to do that yet. But, there is just no point in fighting it anymore.

So, head on over.

This way to my other blog. . . . .

A New Day

2008-11-05T13:46:00.000-08:00

I'm proud of us, America. I really am. It is a new day, and a new chance. Read these words and tell me that you don't feel proud to be an American again. Barack Obama's speech is a truly inspiration moment.

*The full text of president-elect Barack Obama's victory speech yesterday before a crowd of supporters in Chicago.*

"If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible; who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time; who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer.

"It's the answer told by lines that stretched around schools and churches in numbers this nation has never seen; by people who waited three hours and four hours, many for the very first time in their lives, because they believed that this time must be different; that their voice could be that difference.

"It's the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Latino, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been a collection of Red States and Blue States: we are, and always will be, the United States of America.

"It's the answer that led those who have been told for so long by so many to be cynical, and fearful, and doubtful of what we can achieve to put their hands on the arc of history and bend it once more toward the hope of a better day.

"It's been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this day, in this election, at this defining moment, change has come to America.

"I just received a very gracious call from Senator McCain. He fought long and hard in this campaign, and he's fought even longer and harder for the country he loves. He has endured sacrifices for America that most of us cannot begin to imagine, and we are better off for the service rendered by this brave and selfless leader. I congratulate him and Governor Palin for all they have achieved, and I look forward to working with them to renew this nation's promise in the months ahead.

"I want to thank my partner in this journey, a man who campaigned from his heart and spoke for the men and women he grew up with on the streets of Scranton and rode with on that train home to Delaware, the Vice President-elect of the United States, Joe Biden.

"I would not be standing here tonight without the unyielding support of my best friend for the last 16 years, the rock of our family and the love of my life, our nation's next First Lady, Michelle Obama. Sasha and Malia, I love you both so much, and you have earned the new puppy that's coming with us to the White House. And while she's no longer with us, I know my grandmother is watching, along with the family that made me who I am. I miss them tonight, and know that my debt to them is beyond measure.

"To my campaign manager David Plouffe, my chief strategist David Axelrod, and the best campaign team ever assembled in the history of politics, you made this happen, and I am forever grateful for what you've sacrificed to get it done.

"But above all, I will never forget who this victory truly belongs to: It belongs to you.
"I was never the likeliest candidate for this office. We didn't start with much money or many endorsements. Our campaign was not hatched in the halls of Washington, it began in the backyards of Des Moines and the living rooms of Concord and the front porches of Charleston.
"It was built by working men and women who dug into what little savings they had to give five dollars and 10 dollars and 20 dollars to this cause.

"It grew strength from the young people who rejected the myth of their generation's apathy; who left their homes and their families for jobs that offered little pay and less sleep; from the not-so-young people who braved the bitter cold and scorching heat to knock on the doors of perfect strangers; from the millions of Americans who volunteered, and organised, and proved that more than two centuries later, a government of the people, by the people and for the people has not perished from this Earth. This is your victory.

"I know you didn't do this just to win an election and I know you didn't do it for me. You did it because you understand the enormity of the task that lies ahead. For even as we celebrate tonight, we know the challenges that tomorrow will bring are the greatest of our lifetime, two wars, a planet in peril, the worst financial crisis in a century.

"Even as we stand here tonight, we know there are brave Americans waking up in the deserts of Iraq and the mountains of Afghanistan to risk their lives for us. There are mothers and fathers who will lie awake after their children fall asleep and wonder how they'll make the mortgage, or pay their doctor's bills, or save enough for college.

"There is new energy to harness and new jobs to be created; new schools to build and threats to meet and alliances to repair.

"The road ahead will be long. Our climb will be steep. We may not get there in one year or even one term, but, America, I have never been more hopeful than I am tonight that we will get there. I promise you we as a people will get there.

"There will be setbacks and false starts. There are many who won't agree with every decision or policy I make as president, and we know that government can't solve every problem. But I will always be honest with you about the challenges we face. I will listen to you, especially when we disagree.

"And above all, I will ask you join in the work of remaking this nation the only way it's been done in America for 221 years; block by block, brick by brick, calloused hand by calloused hand.
"What began 21 months ago in the depths of winter must not end on this autumn night. This victory alone is not the change we seek, it is only the chance for us to make that change. And that cannot happen if we go back to the way things were. It cannot happen without you.

"So let us summon a new spirit of patriotism; of service and responsibility where each of us resolves to pitch in and work harder and look after not only ourselves, but each other.

"Let us remember that if this financial crisis taught us anything, it's that we cannot have a thriving Wall Street while Main Street suffers in this country. We rise or fall as one nation; as one people.

"Let us resist the temptation to fall back on the same partisanship and pettiness and immaturity that has poisoned our politics for so long. Let us remember that it was a man from this state who first carried the banner of the Republican Party to the White House; a party founded on the values of self-reliance, individual liberty, and national unity.

"Those are values we all share, and while the Democratic Party has won a great victory tonight, we do so with a measure of humility and determination to heal the divides that have held back our progress.

"As Lincoln said to a nation far more divided than ours, 'We are not enemies but friends, though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection.' And to those Americans whose support I have yet to earn I may not have won your vote, but I hear your voices, I need your help, and I will be your president too.

"And to all those watching tonight from beyond our shores, from parliaments and palaces, to those who are huddled around radios in the forgotten corners of our world, our stories are singular, but our destiny is shared, and a new dawn of American leadership is at hand.
"To those who would tear this world down we will defeat you. To those who seek peace and security we support you. And to all those who have wondered if America's beacon still burns as bright, tonight we proved once more that the true strength of our nation comes not from the might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduring power of our ideals: democracy, liberty, opportunity and unyielding hope.

"For that is the true genius of America -- that America can change. Our union can be perfected. And what we have already achieved gives us hope for what we can and must achieve tomorrow.
"This election had many firsts and many stories that will be told for generations. But one that's on my mind tonight is about a woman who cast her ballot in Atlanta. She's a lot like the millions of others who stood in line to make their voice heard in this election except for one thing -- Ann Nixon Cooper is 106 years old.

"She was born just a generation past slavery; a time when there were no cars on the road or planes in the sky; when someone like her couldn't vote for two reasons because she was a woman and because of the colour of her skin.

"And tonight, I think about all that she's seen throughout her century in America; the heartache and the hope; the struggle and the progress; the times we were told that we can't, and the people who pressed on with that American creed: Yes we can.

"At a time when women's voices were silenced and their hopes dismissed, she lived to see them

stand up and speak out and reach for the ballot. Yes we can.

"When there was despair in the dust bowl and depression across the land, she saw a nation conquer fear itself with a New Deal, new jobs and a new sense of common purpose. Yes we can.

"When the bombs fell on our harbour and tyranny threatened the world, she was there to witness a generation rise to greatness and a democracy was saved. Yes we can.

"She was there for the buses in Montgomery, the hoses in Birmingham, a bridge in Selma, and a preacher from Atlanta who told a people that 'We shall overcome.' Yes we can.

"A man touched down on the moon, a wall came down in Berlin, a world was connected by our own science and imagination. And this year, in this election, she touched her finger to a screen, and cast her vote, because after 106 years in America, through the best of times and the darkest of hours, she knows how America can change. Yes we can.

"America, we have come so far. We have seen so much. But there is so much more to do. So tonight, let us ask ourselves: If our children should live to see the next century; if my daughters should be so lucky to live as long as Ann Nixon Cooper, what change will they see? What progress will we have made?

"This is our chance to answer that call. This is our moment. This is our time to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American Dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth that out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope, and where we are met with cynicism, and doubt, and those who tell us that we can't, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people:

"Yes we can. Thank you, God bless you, and may God Bless the United States of America."

This is How the World Sees Us

2008-11-02T11:46:00.000-08:00

Wake up America. This is how the rest of the world sees us. It's time to change that. The editorial appeared in several Australian newspapers and was written by a columnist for the Guardian UK. It is scary that it has come to this.

The Triumph of Ignorance
George Monbiot
November 3, 2008

HOW was it allowed to happen? How did politics in the US come to be dominated by people who make a virtue out of ignorance? Was it charity that has permitted mankind's closest living relative to spend two terms as president? How did Sarah Palin, Dan Quayle and other such gibbering numbskulls get to where they are? How could Republican rallies in 2008 be drowned out by screaming ignoramuses insisting that Barack Obama was a Muslim and a terrorist?

Like most people on the other side of the world, I have for many years been mystified by American politics. The US has the world's best universities and attracts the finest minds. It dominates discoveries in science and medicine. Its wealth and power depend on the application of knowledge. Yet, uniquely among the developed nations (with the possible exception of Australia), learning is a grave political disadvantage.

There have been exceptions over the past century — Franklin Roosevelt, John Kennedy and Bill Clinton tempered their intellectualism with the common touch and survived — but Adlaid Stevenson, Al Gore and John Kerry were successfully tarred by their opponents as members of a cerebral elite.

Perhaps the defining moment in the collapse of intelligent politics was Ronald Reagan's response to Jimmy Carter during the 1980 presidential debate. Carter — stumbling a little, using long words — carefully enumerated the benefits of national health insurance. Reagan smiled and said: "There you go again." His own health program would have appalled most Americans, had he explained it carefully, but he had avoided tough political issues by making his opponents look like wonks.

It wasn't always like this. The founding fathers — Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, John Adams, Alexander Hamilton and others — were among the greatest thinkers of their age. They felt no need to make a secret of it. How did the project they launched degenerate into George W. Bush and Sarah Palin?

On one level, this is easy to answer. Ignorant politicians are elected by ignorant people. US education, like the US health system, is notorious for its failures. One adult in five believes the sun revolves round the earth; only 26% accept that evolution takes place by natural selection; two-thirds of young adults are unable to find Iraq on a map; the maths skills of 15-year-olds in the US are ranked 24th out of the 29 countries of the OECD. Susan Jacoby's book The Age of American Unreason provides the fullest explanation I have read of how so many US citizens became so suspicious of intelligence. She shows that the degradation of US politics results from a series of interlocking tragedies.

One theme is both familiar and clear: fundamentalist religion — makes you stupid. The US is the only rich country in which Christian fundamentalism is vast and growing. Jacoby shows that there was once a certain logic to its anti-rationalism.

During the first few decades after the publication of The Origin of Species, for instance, Americans had good reason to reject the theory of natural selection and to treat public intellectuals with suspicion. From the beginning, Darwin's theory was mixed up in the US with the brutal philosophy — now known as social Darwinism — of the British writer Herbert Spencer. Spencer's doctrine, suggested that millionaires stood at the top of a scala natura established by evolution. By preventing unfit people being weeded out, government intervention weakened the nation. Gross economic inequalities were both justifiable and necessary.

Darwinism, in other words, became indistinguishable from the most bestial form of laissez-faire economics. It is ironic that the doctrine rejected a century ago by such prominent fundamentalists as William Jennings Bryan is now central to the economic thinking of the Christian right. Modern fundamentalists reject the science of Darwinian evolution and accept the pseudoscience of social Darwinism.

But there were other, more powerful, reasons for the intellectual isolation of the fundamentalists. The US is peculiar in devolving the control of education to local authorities. Teaching in the southern states was dominated by the views of an ignorant aristocracy of planters, and a great educational gulf opened up. "In the south," Jacoby writes, "what can only be described as an intellectual blockade was imposed in order to keep out any ideas that might threaten the social order."

The Southern Baptist Convention, now the biggest denomination in the US, was to slavery and segregation what the Dutch Reformed Church was to apartheid in South Africa. It has done more than any other force to keep the south stupid. In the 1960s it tried to stave off desegregation by establishing private schools and universities. A student can now progress from kindergarten to a higher degree without any exposure to secular teaching. University of Texas researchers found in 1998 that one in four of the state's state school biology teachers believed humans and dinosaurs lived on earth at the same time.

This tragedy has been assisted by the American fetishisation of self-education. Though he greatly regretted his lack of formal teaching, Abraham Lincoln's career is repeatedly cited as evidence that good state education is unnecessary: all that is required to succeed is determination and rugged individualism. This might have served people well when genuine self-education movements were in vogue. In the age of infotainment, it is a recipe for confusion.

Besides fundamentalist religion, perhaps the most potent reason intellectuals struggle in elections is that intellectualism has been equated with subversion. The brief flirtation of some thinkers with communism a long time ago has been used to create an impression that all intellectuals are communists.

The spectre of pointy-headed alien subversives was crucial to the election of Reagan and Bush. A genuine intellectual elite — like the neocons (some of them former communists) surrounding Bush — has managed to pitch the political conflict as a battle between ordinary Americans and an over-educated pinko establishment. Any attempt to challenge the ideas of the rightwing elite has been branded as elitism.

Obama has a lot to offer the US, but none of this will stop if he wins. Until the great failures of the US education system are reversed or religious fundamentalism withers, there will be political opportunities for people, like Bush and Palin, who flaunt their ignorance.

Cinder-Fucking-Rella

2008-10-23T17:29:00.000-07:00

Much has been made of Sarah Palin's recent shopping spree in the area of $150,000. I've heard many excuses as to why she needed the clothes and why it really isn't a big deal. I couldn't agree more. I mean after all, you have to dress for the job you want, right? Isn't this really just a classic case of Pretty Woman?

Hear me out. Richard Gere needed a classy, respectable lady to accompany him on a week's worth of events. But, he didn't want the emotional baggage of a real woman. So he hired the hooker with the heart of gold, Julia Roberts to be his "beck-and-call girl." Isn't John McCain doing the same thing?

He needed a running mate that was new, exciting and fresh. What he found was Sarah Palin. She was okay, but I think we can all agree that the frosted lipstick and shoulder pads had to go. So, he gave Sarah the charge card and told her to buy some clothes. "Where do I go for the clothes; good stuff, on him?" Neimans, baby!!

So, she needed clothes to be seen at good places. The opera, polo matches, Joe the Plumbers house. Things like that. He dressed her up, made her a lady and besides, the clothes were appropriate. The next thing you know, John McCain is going to flip closed that velvet box on Sarah's fingers. You know, the box holding that Flag Pin she is so fond of. I can almost hear her cackle-like laughter now.

When you buy and pay for your running mate, she's bound to need something more besides that Lycra dress you picked her up in. So, let's put this whole thing into perspective. Dressing like a well paid hooker takes lots of cash. Especially when you are trying to convince people you're just like them. Political hookers are no different. This pig needed a lot of lipstick.

Stimulate Me

2008-10-21T12:20:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, I feel responsible for this whole economic crisis. After all, it was Greazy and I who spent our "stimulus" money in Australia, instead of here at home. Is that wrong? But, now I hear they want to do it all again. Give us more money.

I'd like to say I'll spend all that cash here, but then I read this. Turns out, the Aussie dollar is back in the crapper, and the exchange rate is quickly plummeting. Which means, if I take that new "stimulus" money over there, it would go a lot further this time.

What is a girl to do? 60 cents on the dollar is really too good to pass up. And, let's face it. We're going to hell here anyway, don't we deserve another vacation?

Bits and Pieces

2008-10-09T23:08:00.000-07:00

*Love this article about the latest rash of ladies loving ladies.

*I just don't like Sarah Silverman. There I've said it, and I feel better.

*MMA is gay. And, now it might be fixed. Who the hell cares?

*Sarah Palin, if you're so fucking real, then why is it a problem to show your "real" face on the cover of Newsweek. Get over it, you're not as hot as conservative men say you are.

*Hugh Hefner is getting over his break-up with his girl Holly, by dating twins. Ewwww. Yuck.

*How am I supposed to go on when Taylor Swift and Joe Jonas have broken up.

The Sounds of Silence

2008-09-15T12:32:00.000-07:00

I've lost my voice. Not in the existential sense, literally. I can't talk. I think it is allergies, but I can't be sure. This happened a couple of months ago too, where a bit of a sore throat rendered my voice useless. So, lucky me, I get to spend my birthday in peace. Even from myself.

Just what I need.

A Bit of Panic

2008-08-29T13:33:00.001-07:00

Some of you may remember that almost a year ago, I broke my ankle hiking on a nearby trail. We've been hiking since that day, but have never gone back to the place where all the fun happened. Well, Tuesday was such a nice day, and Greazy was available, so we went for a hike in the late afternoon, back to Kelly's Run.

I tried not to think about it, as we started our trek. We decided to start in reverse and take the steep incline down instead of up. When we came to the trail that cuts through a field, I impressed Greazy by not even hesitating a second when he asked what the crop was that surrounded us. Soybeans. Damn, I am good.

When we got to the creek, we took the trail along the water and soon enough, we were getting close to the spot where I took my tumble. My stomach tightened, and my heart was pounding. Not just your garden variety exercise pounding either. It felt like you could see my heartbeat. I got a little dizzy as the rock that broke my fall (and presumably my leg) came into view. It was covered by a broken sapling from a recent storm, but I knew it was there. The trail was still as narrow as ever, just as easy to slip and fall. But, I made it through.

It was strange. I've never really had a panic attack before, but I'm pretty sure this was it. Not quite fear, not quite anxiety but something in between. It sucked. Hopefully, when we go back again, it won't happen. Now that I've conquered "The Run" I'm ready for new trails. And, hopefully another 30 years before I break anything else.

As If I Needed One

2008-08-25T08:53:00.001-07:00

Yet another reason to move to Australia.

Turtle Love

2008-08-20T21:43:00.000-07:00

I am a fan of sex, and it is good to see that even disabled turtles can still get down. With the aid of a specially made skateboard. What will they think of next?

Modern science can be confusing, but every now and then they get one right. Long live the turtle. Literally.

More Wasted Research Dollars

2008-08-14T10:23:00.000-07:00

Thanks for the Newsflash, England!! Maybe we should take some of this "research" money and give it to people actually studying things that people don't know the answer to.

Beer Goggles was covered on day one of Uni.

Cake Taker

2008-08-05T12:27:00.001-07:00

This guy may be the biggest douchebag on the planet. Forgive me if you've heard this before, but I just found it and had to share it. Click on the link, and listen to the whole thing, it is priceless.

RIP Estelle Getty

2008-07-22T11:51:00.000-07:00

I am so sad that my favorite Golden Girl, Sophia, has passed away. I always found her to be a kindred spirit, and the character on the show with the best lines.

Check out the reruns on Lifetime if you don't know what I am talking about. Here are some of my favorite Sophia-isms.

"Maybe the paperboy is right, maybe I am just a mean old lady."

"I lived eighty, eighty-one years, I survived two world wars, pneumonia, a stroke and two operations. One night I'll belch, and Stable Mabel here will blow my head off!"

"Why do blessings wear disguises? If I were a blessing, I'd run around naked."

"There's two things us Sicilians know... When pasta sticks to the wall - it's done... when a body sticks to cement - it's dead."

"Jealousy is an ugly thing Dorothy, and so are you in anything backless."

"Please. Dust reminds you of something that happened back in St. Olaf."

Rose: "Sophia, do you think it's wrong for a girl to sleep with a man on their first date?
Sophia: "It's a sin."
Rose: "See, Sophia agrees with me!
Sophia: "No, all I said was it's a sin. Personally I'd go back to eating fish on Fridays if His Holiness gave that one the green light!"

Danger at Every Turn

2008-07-15T09:47:00.000-07:00

Recently, Greazy and I were in Australia, enjoying the countryside on our way back to the big city. We didn't know it at the time, but we violated the Victorian speed limit, and would be receiving a ticket upon our return to the states.

Needless to say, we were both pissed, and after weighing our options, decided to pay the ticket to ensure no difficulties when we return down under.

Our argument was simple. 100kph is 60mph. We were going the equivalent of 64mph. Is that really such a big deal? It wasn't like we were going 80mph or anything. We believed that there was little harm to be done at that speed, so we asked the next logical question. Why the big stick up the bum Vickie?

As you know, I never get tired of being right. Turns out 100kph isn't so bad after all. Not only can a koala survive being hit at 100kph, it can hang on while you drag it another 12km, with its gray ass hanging out of your grill. So, come on Victoria, loosen up. It isn't like we did anything this bad. But, you got your money, now call off the Solicitor General!

*I do not, in any way, advocate the hitting or dragging of koalas. I, unlike the New Yorker, can pull off satire.

It's Official: The World is Going to Hell

2008-06-19T17:17:00.001-07:00

Pregnancy pacts?

Suing your Dad over getting grounded?

I know this makes me sound old and bitter, but what the fuck is wrong with kids today? Seriously. It is scary. More scary is the fact that no one wants to step up and admit that there seems to be a real parenting problem these days. Now, I'm not of the mind that it is always the parent's fault. But, in the case of 17 girls, all under sixteen years, old making a pact to get pregnant and NO ONE KNOWS? There were less people in on the Kennedy assassination, and we all know about that. How can you have your head that far in the sand? How can you honestly try and blame the media?

It is just sheer laziness on the part of the parents. If you don't want to be a parent, don't. But, if you are, sorry, but game over. You are not their friend, you are not cool. YOU ARE THE FUCKING PARENT. Start acting like it. Then, just maybe, you won't end up raising your own grandchildren because you couldn't say no to little Suzy.

My Dad

2008-06-14T22:05:00.000-07:00

Father's Day isn't a day I usually think much about. Not anymore. Almost 7 years ago, my father died. And, a little over a year later, my father-in-law passed away too. Since then, the day has gone from being extremely painful, to one I usually avoid all together. But, for some reason, this Father's Day, I felt that a little remembering was in order.

Not that I need a special day to remember my father. As long as it has been, I still think about him almost every day. I loved my father, but our relationship was a bit complicated at times. I've heard that we were too much alike. And, that is what caused the friction that sometimes came up between us. I can see that. My dad didn't take a lot of bullshit, he told you how it was, and he wasn't always big on saving other's feelings. Sounds a little like me. But, I don't know how alike we were. Sometimes, I feel like I didn't know him very well at all.

But, I guess that is common for a lot of people. After he died, all I could think about was the things I never had the chance to say to him. I never got to tell him how much I respected him, even if he drove me mad sometimes. And, I never got to tell him how much he influenced my life and how important pleasing him was to me. I hope he knew, but I'll never be sure. Having not lived at home for the last seven years of his life, I feel like I missed out on knowing him as a grown up. I always felt that, in a way, I was still a little girl to him. I worry that he died thinking I was a lost cause who would never grow up.

I've tried not to dwell on things like that over the years, but it's hard. It is hard not to think about the stuff he's missed out on. He never got to see my house or the new houses my siblings moved into. He didn't get to walk my sisters down the aisle at their weddings. I think about the grandchildren and great grandchildren he didn't get to meet and how much he would have enjoyed watching all of them grow up. I think about all the things he and my mother would have done and all the fun they would have had. We could have spent the last seven years having epic arguments about George W. Bush, the war and gas prices.

I try and remember the good times. The crazy, embarrassing way he used to dance. The way he would laugh at Benny Hill (God knows why). The way he would drag us all over the earth on vacations, taking long back ways every chance he got. He taught us all to bowl, swim and get ketchup out of a full bottle the right way. He would come to all our recitals, band competitions and sporting events. And, all the little things: getting sundaes at the Trumbauersville Store, eating at the Keystone on Saturday night, going to East Greenville for ice cream in the summer. Those are the things I will never forget.

As loathe as I am to be corny, I know he is with us. All the time. I do believe that, even if I don't believe anything else. I just wish he were here. It is as simple as that. I miss him. Just as much as I did then. It sucks just as much, and it is still just as unfair. But, life goes on. Somehow.

When my sister had her beautiful baby girl, the first thing I said when I saw her, was that she had my sister's nose. But, really, it is my dad's nose. On her tiny face was yet another reminder of how he is living on through us. I hope, wherever he is, he knows how much we all love and miss him. And, that every time I look at that sweet little face, I see him. And, I smile.

Back from Vacation Top 5

2008-06-10T00:58:00.000-07:00

Now that Greazy and I are back on US soil, it seems silly to keep my Top 5 list all Australian. Although, few could argue against those blokes and their "do-ability." But, he does have a point. So, here we go.

1) Jimmy Bartel - A hold over from my Australian list, he keeps his number one spot. I can't help it. The boy is just adorable, and well, he's just adorable. The little shorts don't hurt his cause either.

2) Lee Pace - Retaining his position on the old list, this pie making cutie will be back on my TV very soon. Oh, how I've missed him.

3) Henry Rollins - I don't want Henry to be disappointed by his slipping to number 3. We had a good run, and I still love him. But, the man is almost 50 and I had to make room for some fresh blood.

4) Henry Cavill - Love the Tudors, love him even more. And, what Top 5 is complete without two Henrys?

5) Chris Evans - Even though he isn't the best actor, he is hot. Really, really hot.

Leaving on a Jet Plane

2008-05-29T20:27:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow we leave for home. After almost three weeks in Australia, it's time to go home and get back to reality. Part of me is glad, ready to go home and get back into my routine. But, a big part of me will be sad once I'm sitting in that plane seat (and not just because I'm stuck there for 13 hours.) This place is magical to me, and it has been again this time.

So much good stuff, it is hard to list it all. Tim Tams and Lemonade. Exhausting but exhilarating walks. The sights, the sounds. The hot firefighter who smiled at me. It was all good. Even the bad stuff was good. That's how vacation is.

But, now life beckons. So I will bid Australia a fond farewell and look forward to seeing those United States I love so much.

(There are things I will not miss about Australia too. . .(only a few) No unsweetened Iced Tea. No free drink refills. The fact that books are so dang expensive. The unfavorable exchange rate. The lack of ice in general. No Cool Ranch Doritos. )

So, I shall return soon to writing more regularly. Until then, G'day.

A Little Bingo Never Hurt Nobody

2008-05-07T12:06:00.000-07:00

I leave for Australia in a few days, and there seems to be so much to do. But, I'm taking time out of my busy schedule to play some bingo with my buddy Janis at the gay club tonight. We went last week and it was amazingly fun. I actually won twice and got myself a cool $45. But, truth be told, while I liked winning, just being there was fun enough.

There is not enough true silliness in my life. Sure, there is fun and all that, but I love the silliness. So, before I head for the land down under, I'm going to try my fortunes with the cards again tonight.

BINGO, BITCHES!!!

Since this is the last post I shall be doing before we go, I just want to say a fond farewell to all of you, and I hope you miss me terribly. Catch me on my email, so we can keep in touch. Those of you who don't have my email must simply pine for me.

I Ain't No Damsel in Distress

2008-05-05T17:28:00.000-07:00

But, don't I wish I were, sometimes. Not that I mind being an independent lady. But, there are limits, aren't there? Why am I always the one doing the heavy lifting when there are no men around? Why am I left to fend for myself, just because I can hold my liquor? Just because I'm not puking my guts out doesn't mean it wouldn't be nice to have a hand to hold while I stumble to my car. Just because I CAN walk a mile and a half on a broken leg, doesn't mean I wouldn't like someone to carry me.

I've just never been that kind of girl. And, the truth is I don't really know why. I'm not that man-ish. I'm not dainty, but then again, I don't really know any dainty women. Every chick I know could handle herself 9 times out of 10. So why is it that the chivalry of those around me is wasted on incompetent, silly girls? Don't us ladies who can actually handle things deserve a break every now and then? Come on guys, show us some love. Leave the silly girls to their own devices for once, and hold the door for me. I won't puke on your shoes, or leave you holding my purse when I'm done.

Ain't it The Truth

2008-05-04T18:27:00.001-07:00

"This Here Was My Idea" Top 5

2008-04-29T12:50:00.000-07:00

Since Greazy and I leave very soon for the land Down Under, we both decided (though it was my idea) to have an all Aussie Top 5. So, in response to this list, made by Greazy, I have prepared my Top 5. I based my decisions on many things. Proximity, chance of meeting, and of course, hotness. All 5 of these guys will be in within shagging distance during the trip, and all would be crazy not to take me up on my offer.

1) Jimmy Bartel - Geelong Cats (AFL) player. Greazy and I will be seeing the Cats play in Melbourne. So, you know, he'll be around.

2) Ben Ross - Cronulla Sharks (NRL) player. I'm speechless, really. Speechless.

3) Brodie Holland - Collingwood Magpies (AFL) player. Geelong plays Collingwood in the game Greazy and I will be seeing. Good news.

4) John Williams - Queensland Cowboys (NRL) player. Don't know anything about him, don't care. Look at him. They will be playing in Sydney while we are there.

5) Luke O'Donnell - Queensland Cowboys (NRL) player. MY dear GOD!! He will also be in Sydney.

So, there they are. Any one of them would be an excellent choice for me. Maybe I'll get them all. Three weeks is a long time.

Enough Already!

2008-04-20T08:36:00.000-07:00

Well, our journalistic integrity is alive and well. Too bad it is focusing all of its steely gaze at reality TV. In yet another stupid incident, it was "revealed" that the Deadliest Catch may have made things look a little more deadly than they were.

Again, I am going to ask the question, WHO CARES?? These guys are really up there, catching crab so you assholes can have your jumbo crab legs. Do we really need it to be "more real?" Is it an actual death scene you want?

But, my real question is, where is this desire for the truth from shows like The Hills, The Real World, Survivor, or any of the other reality crap that is out there? Why do you have to bring down shows people actually like? Or better yet, why don't you take those investigation skills and go to Washington and put them to good use. God knows, the real reporters aren't cutting it anymore.

Leave our TV alone. It's bad enough Hollywood only puts on reality shows. Then, it has to tell us all how real they aren't. Make up your fucking mind.

Wasted Time

2008-04-09T17:09:00.001-07:00

I have spent eons of my life trying to be cool. If I could add it all up, it would probably be years. I'm not sure exactly when it started, but I'm pretty sure I was too young to know what cool really was. I thought my older brother and sister's friends were so cool. I was desperate to fit in, desperate to be older, cooler. Just like them. It wasn't until much later that I realized they weren't really that cool either.

But, by then I had moved on to the next thing. I rode the trends, followed the crowd, even though I was desperate to "stand out." I wanted to be that cool girl with the right outfit, the right look, the right attitude. But, I always felt like I fell just short of the mark. I would have the wrong shoes, or the right shirt in the wrong color. I never quite pulled it off, never make anyone believe that I was cool, different or hip. I wanted to be different, just like everybody else. The kind of cool that only "non-conformist" conformity could give you. I hung around the fringes of "cool" groups, but never really got inside. At least, I never thought so.

I was just so desperate to hear someone say that I was cool. If anyone did, I never heard about it. Which means, to me, it never happened. I still have moments when I feel like this, even though I am way too old to be concerned with this stuff anymore. I'm over the hill, on the downtrend. Being cool left the station a long time ago. It would have been nice to feel it, just for a little while. Even if I would leave the house and feel cool, there would always be someone else at the show, at the mall, at school, who made me feel so uncool. And, the fact that I can still be made to feel this way drives me nuts.

But, after spending some time recently with people just like I used to be, young people desperate to be cool, I can see how futile it all is. They try so hard, they preen, they pose. I see myself in them almost to a scary degree. Their whole lives are wrapped up in it, just like mine was. I want to pull them aside and tell them to save their breath, their money and their time. You will never be as cool as you want to be. There will always be someone cooler than you. There will be music you will never know about, culture you will never know about, and some day you too will feel old to be a part of anything anymore.

So, in my quest to be cool, I've come to one realization. I am. But, not because anyone else thinks so. But, because I think so. Fuck what the world thinks. The only way to truly be cool is to just be yourself. Whatever that may be. Trying to be something you're not is not cool. See, that was my problem all along. I'm a dork. And, while I may like some cool things, that is not why I am cool. I'm cool because there is no one else I would rather be.

Hobbies, People

2008-04-02T08:19:00.000-07:00

If only these people would use their time and energy for something that mattered, like voting, or cleaning up the environment. But, no. Let's try and keep a television show on the air.

You're right, that is much more important.

Obama Can't Ball

2008-03-31T20:47:00.000-07:00

After all I've done for the democratic party, this is how they repay me. I recently switched my allegiance from no one in particular to the democratic party, so I would be able to vote in this year's primary. I finally came to a decision about who I wanted to vote for. And, as much as it pains the feminist in me to say it, I gotta go with Obama.

That is, until I saw this. In my home state. You're going to come to my home state and bowl a 37. 37!! Seriously, come on. That is just awful. Great bowlers can get nearly that much in three frames. If only he had come to our bowling alley, we could have helped him out. But, bowling a 37 is shameful. My nephew, when he was two years old, could bowl better than that. Duder, when you put on the shoes, and pick up that ball, you gotta bring it.

I can deal with lying about snipers, I can deal with blowjobs in the oval office and alleged cocaine use. What I can not abide is a bad bowler. So, Barrack, step it up, or we might have problems. Next time, come a little further east, and we can show you how to bowl the right way. Or, try it with two hands.

How Do I Pick?

2008-03-20T10:26:00.000-07:00

To honor Mr. Fred Roger's 80th birthday, Mr. McFeely wants us all to don our favorite sweaters to honor the memory of the man who rocked a cardigan like no other. This poses a conundrum for me, as I own quite a few fine cardigans. But, which ever one you choose to wear today, take time out to think about the man who probably touched your life as much as he touched mine. I used to think that Mr. Rogers could hear me through the television. I loved him.

So, I think maybe I'll go with a classic today, my o.g. sweater if you will. $5 at a thrift store, and despite some wear and tear, it still makes me feel neighborly. Won't you join me?

Lot in Life

2008-03-14T05:57:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, we women have to put up with a lot to be with the man we love. Recently, Greazy came to me and announced that he wanted Direct TV, so he could watch Australian Rules Football. A perfectly normal request around these parts, I assure you. I balked at first. After all, we were comfy with Comcast, even though the bastards charge an arm and a leg. But, he convinced me. So, I am sitting at the computer right now while the transformation is taking place.

Greazy is spoiled, you see. He gets what he wants 99% of the time. Playstations, trips with buddies, poker/fantasy football drafts in my basement, albums featuring WWF stars. Sometimes, I worry that my boy doesn't know the meaning of no.

But, then I realize that he makes me laugh, he loves me and often buys me presents as well. And he has never made me stand by his side whilst confessing to whore-seeing or intern-fucking or I'm-a-gay-Governor. So, I guess I should consider myself lucky. Because in the grand scheme of things, having to learn new channel numbers isn't that much of a big deal.

*Sidebar - I typed a few things into google images to find a picture for this post, and it asked me "Did you mean wife honoring husband?" No, I typed humoring, dumb-ass sexist search engine.

Catharsis for Fun and Profit

2008-03-11T17:28:00.001-07:00

Look around your house right now. How much of what surrounds you is stuff you actually like, need or want? It sounds like a stupid question. I mean, who doesn't want their own stuff. But, since I've started weeding out all the crap from my life, it has become clear to me that there is only so much stuff one needs. I'm sure at the time everything I've bought seemed like a good idea. But, right now, I'm looking at an ever-growing pile of yard sale items, and wondering why some of it was ever purchased. Some are gifts from others, some of it was impulse. But the bottom line is, it is all useless to me at this moment.

I'm hoping that I can find some worthy souls to take this stuff off my hands. I'm sure someone out there needs an ironing board, or seat cushions, or Spongebob Uno. But, it's not me. I actually am one of those people who enjoy cleaning and getting rid of stuff. It is so soothing to me. It truly helps me de-stress to toss things out, clean them up and get rid of them. In fact if any of those clean-em-up shows need a new face, let me know. I would love it. I think Neecy and I would make a great team. Until then, I'm here, dear friends, if you need someone to help you clear out. I promise, I'll be gentle.

Lying Liars

2008-03-05T14:23:00.000-08:00

Another day, another lying author. It is amazing to me how these people get editors and publishers to buy their stories, most of the time for big bucks. If that isn't enough, the book comes out to huge fanfare. Hell, you may even get yourself on Oprah. Then, after one person does a little digging, the public finds out the book is made up of lies. James Frey and JT Leroy are just a few names in the long list of people who got paid big bucks to tell their stories. In most cases, heart-wrenching, tragic and amazing stories. Problem is, they are all full of shit. Hell, JT Leroy isn't even who he/she says he is.

I don't know why we are so surprised. Hell, I lie all the time. We all do. And, it seems the only way you can get people to pay attention to you is to lie. Football coaches, Food Network stars and the guy in the next cube have all lied on their resumes. Hell, I have. So, if we all do it, then why do we expect so much truth from everyone else? I'll be the first to admit, that if someone says their book is a true story, I'm more than a little skeptical. Come on, Augusten Burroughs. I'm not buying it. There is no way that some of those crazy things that "happened" to you aren't a little made up. I don't know anyone whose life is as over-the-top crazy and interesting as these books make them out to be. I'm sure those people are out there, but they are not as plentiful as they appear to be.

I guess my real question is; why do these people feel they have to lie at all? Why is the publishing industry only interested in damaged and flawed people who've struggled against all odds to succeed? Those stories are great, but most often fiction. If these are the standards that people need to meet to write a memoir, no wonder people lie. And, come on Food Network. The guy did a good job. So he lied to get in the door. Isn't it just as much your fault for requiring people to be larger than life, as it is for this guy pretending to be so? I think expectations are just too damn high for everyone. You can't lie, you can do drugs, you can't change your mind, you can't offend anyone, you can't be sexual, you can't be fat, you can't have flaws. Who can live up to these standards? And, more importantly, who would want to.

So, ease up, everyone. We're all just humans. Lying is part of who we are, no one is immune. Next time, check a little harder before you send that manuscript to the printer.

Jesus!

2008-03-02T21:21:00.000-08:00

*Duder, we've all been there, but just break your leg, it's easier.

*This would totally be me.

Happy Leap Day!!

2008-02-29T12:30:00.002-08:00

I wanted to write and wish everyone a happy leap day. I hope you all have the chance to take a literal or figurative leap today. Myself, I prefer a dancer's leap. Funny, I used to be so much more graceful when I was 12. Oh well, not much can be done about that.

So, enjoy your extra day, everyone. Hopefully you got to do something fun. If not, there is still time. Get out there and leap. It is worth it.

Show Review: Quarterlife

2008-02-28T11:23:00.001-08:00

Quarterlife started out as a web show that got the green light for real live television. I think, after watching the first episode, it should have stayed on the web. It's not that the show is terrible, it is pretty basic and unremarkable. But, it does suffer from the fatal flaw of most shows in this vain. It is unlike any life you have ever known, and the dialogue is ridiculous.

Shows like Dawson's Creek, My So Called Life and Felicity made us believe that young people sit around and talk in these deep and flowery ways, asking each other probing and provocative questions. And there is so much tension between people, it is a forgone conclusion that sex is just a few episodes away. Who do you know who has a life like that? Most of the time when you are out with friends, it is just random nothing talk. And, I don't secretly want to sleep with everyone in my circle of friends. (I know this will disappoint some)

This show, Quarterlife, centers on Dylan, a lowly employee at a magazine, who does a video blog that is suddenly popular and revealing secrets left and right. Totally typical, no? Dylan is in love with her friend Jed, who is in love with his best friend's girl. Then, of course there is the obligatory slut, who is hot but has low self esteem, so she sleeps around. Classic.

It was no surprise to me when I heard that this show's ratings sucked. It is just so lame. Navel-gazing-self-important crap. Sure, when you're young, you are self involved. Hell, most people are their whole lives. But, if that is the case, then at least make the characters interesting. I don't care what happens to Dylan, or her friends. But, if I had to guess, I would say the angst and heartache will be horrible and super depressing. I'm not going to stick around to find out. And, you shouldn't either.

Typical

2008-02-27T17:12:00.000-08:00

So, I'm sure you all remember the bitch I used to work with, who drove me insane and made me quit. Well, guess what? She's leaving. That's right, all. She's leaving and going back to where she came from, and basically came to my job to ruin my life and then leave. I am not surprised, but I am, in fact, pissed off. Not that I liked my job, or really wanted to stay. But, the money would have been nice, and the three weeks paid vacation. But, no. She had to ruin everything. I hope she is happy in her new (old) home.

I hope she chokes on some chowder and dies. I mean that. Sincerely.

Is it Just Me?

2008-02-25T13:37:00.001-08:00

After reading this article, I got to thinking. With all the diseases that are being researched and all the funding that is available, why is it that the only things we seem to be able to fix are guy's problems. First it was Erectile Dysfunction, and I'm sure we're all glad that Ditka can get it up again. Now baldness. I'm not saying good work isn't done every day for a variety of things, but come on.

Are baldness and limpness so much easier to ease than say menstrual cramps, breast cancer, cellulite and the symptoms of menopause? Or is it just that you know when you crack the baldness thing, sales will skyrocket because of all the vain, newly rigid men out there looking to score, and think hair is all they need to close the deal?

I'm just saying, throw us ladies a bone. Give us something. A period four times a year, cool. What else you got?

Really???

2008-02-25T08:22:00.001-08:00

So, in response to his girlfriend making this video, Jimmy Kimmel makes this video. And, it is actually really funny. Who knew??

That's Absurd!!

2008-02-11T10:28:00.001-08:00

I don't watch the Grammy Awards any more, because honestly, I don't really care. But, I felt the need to give an example of why I don't care anymore. Thanks to Herbie Hancock, I didn't have to look very hard.

Herbie Hancock is a fine musician and performer, and deserving of accolades and awards. Just not this one. Grammys are for popular music, well most of them. Lord knows they have more catergories than any awards show should. But, a fusion Jazz artist's tribute to Joni Mitchell featuring Lenard Cohen and Nora Jones. Yeah, that screams album of the year. You're right. Come the hell on Grammy voters. Get it together. Young people buy and listen to music and they don't know who Joni Mitchell or Herbie Hancock are. Get it together. I guess you should just be thankful that Kanye West didn't storm the stage.

Burn, Baby Burn

2008-02-05T14:03:00.000-08:00

I really didn't like my old job.

Better Late Than Never

2008-01-21T15:58:00.000-08:00

I hesitated to make New Year's Resolutions as they never seem to last very long. Mind you, I do have a laundry list of things I'd like to change, and I plan to, but doing it on January 1st always seemed so arbitrary.

That is why I waited until January 16th to pack in my shitty job. That is right, loyal readers, I am sans employment at the moment. I told my job to shove it. I had planned to wait until after our return from Australia. But, circumstances and assholes conspired against me and forced my hand. That place was looney tunes, and not in a good way. So, I had to leave.

But, despite my fear about not having a job, it is still one of the best decisions I've ever made. When things make you miserable, you have to move on. A little financial strain is worth my sanity.

So, these photos are my homage to another job quitter who saw the light, as I did. May you all get the chance to take this photo one day, it is truly liberating. Long live hope, dreams and bitches everywhere. There is a place for all of us, I promise.

I Need an Enabler

2008-01-08T20:02:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite shows on TV is American Dad. Busted on for being a Family Guy rip off, I find it not only entertaining, but topical. This week's episode spoke to me on a personal level. The resident alien Roger, was being told to change his ways to be more nice. The quote that said it all for me was this.

"Roger, is being nice killing you?"

"My people need to let our bitchiness out, otherwise it turns to bile and poisons us."

After two bouts of sickness recently, I am beginning to feel like I am being poisoned by my life. The stress, the bullshit, the unmitigated stupidity I am confronted with every day, all of which I must suffer with a smile, is turning my insides to bile. And, it is poisoning me. I really, honest to god, don't know how people do it. All I know is, something has got to change or I am liable to fade faster than my latest hair color. I need help, and hopefully somewhere out there, I will find it. Until then, I need to find someone to tell me it's okay, to tell me that I can let my bitchiness out. Let my freak flag fly. If you are out there, let me know. I'm accepting applications.

Karma is Not as Much of a Bitch as I Am

2008-01-03T17:34:00.001-08:00

Sometimes, I wonder if I have done something very wrong in a past life. My cousin once said we must have been baby-eating dictators or something, as our Karmic life seems terribly out of whack. As an example, there was a woman I worked with that I hated. She gave me stuffed dogs as a secret Santa gift, she didn't pull her weight, and she was really annoying. She finally quit before Thanksgiving. And, give thanks, I did.

Her replacement began work right after Christmas. As cruel fate would have it, she is even worse than the last one. She is slow, annoying and needs her hand held for the simplest of tasks. No amount of explaining seems to sink in and no amount of ignoring her shuts her up. My karma has sent me another albatross to replace the old clunker that used to be around my neck.

Now, I'm the first to admit, I'm a bitch. I'm not very nice, it seems, and if I don't like you, you'll know it in about 3 seconds. But, for the most part, I do what every one does. I hide my true feelings and muddle through. But, this woman is about 30 seconds away from a punch to the face. I can't deal with her and I am actively searching for ways out of my job from hell. I was hoping to hold on until May, take my three week jaunt to Oz, come back and quit. But, this whore is forcing my hand. To really top the cake with an big scoop of irony, she lives right down the street from me. How's that for bad Karma? Next thing you know, she'll want to car pool.

So, I guess I better go build some houses for the poor, go green or vote democrat to get my karma back on line. I need some good stuff now more than ever. And, pray for this woman, or she might just find herself with an Inky knuckle sandwich.

Humble Beginnings

2007-12-05T12:53:00.000-08:00

Today is the 11 year anniversary of Greazy and my first date. The day started like any other in the life of a college student. I got up to do a radio show with Greazy and XL. He had invited me, and I spent the night before being giddy. See, I had been harboring feelings for him for a couple months, despite my continued relationship with a douche bag. I dumped his sorry ass on Thanksgiving, and once I returned to campus, I put Greazy to the back of my mind. I needed some time off, or so I thought. Turns out it was not to be. He and I flirted on the air, like the severe dorks we were (and are) and we ignored XL. I went on about my day, but took the time to happen by Greazy and XL later on, you know, just taking a detour totally out of my way to "run into" him. Then, he did what I thought he might. He asked me out.

I went home to panic and prepare. We met late as you often do when you are 20 years old. We drove in the light snow to Denny's and split the sampler. We tried to make sense of what was happening, as we were and are an unlikely pair. We just couldn't believe our good fortune. He drove me home and we hugged. Less than 24 hours later, things got decidedly more serious.

All these years later, I still remember the way I felt that night, freezing to death in his car. I remember the butterflies, the disbelief, and ultimately the smitten kitten he turned me into.

The rest, as they say, is history. Now we are the old balls and chains. But, of all the things I've ever done, that trip to Denny's was still the best. He's my questions 4. Greazy is the love of my life.

Meh

2007-11-28T19:15:00.000-08:00

I don't know what exactly is going on with me, but to sum it up . . .I'm just bummed out. I hate my job, and I'm sick and tired of about every little thing that goes along with it. I'm not excited about Christmas, I couldn't care less about shopping or carols or cards. Even things I like aren't doing it for me right now. Music doesn't sound good, TV is boring and I can't get through a page of a book without re-reading it twenty times.

I have felt this way from time to time, but for some reason right now it all feels more profound and hard. Not to minimize true and deeply serious depression. I'm not there. Never thee fear my loyal readers. (all five or six of you) Just bummed.

So, the lack of production, the lack of anything interesting to say all stems from this bleak, kind-of greyness surrounding the Inkster right now. So, for the time being, I'll curl up in my softie pants, drown my sorrows in Morrissey and Iced Tea, and hope for the best.

How can such a relentlessly cheerful time make me feel so shitty?

Thank You, Top 5

2007-11-21T16:21:00.000-08:00

It is hard to believe that I haven't updated my Top 5 list since the New Year began. I have been seriously slacking in this department, but it is time to put an end to all that. So at this, the time to give thanks, I am giving thanks for hotties. More specifically, hotties I can sleep with free and clear if the opportunity presents itself. Ah, the pilgrims would be so proud.

1) Henry Rollins - I am ever so thankful that Henry is still number one in my heart.

2) Lee Pace - (pictured above) The adorable pie maker from ABC's Pushing Daisies. I love him. I don't know where he's been all my life, but he is amazing. An impressive placement, for a first timer.

3) Michael C. Hall - The star of Six Feet Under and Dexter is looking mighty yummy, and I never noticed before. How dare I?

4) Rob Morrow - This star of CBS's Numb3rs was Joel Fleischman on Northern Exposure. Now he's in his 40's and looking better than ever. God bless America.

5) Bear Grylls - He eats a lot of gross stuff, but in addition to being handy to have around, he has a real tendency to get naked at the drop of a hat. Always a plus.

So, there you have it. Thanksgiving Top 5. Always delicious.

Making Mischeif

2007-11-18T17:37:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel compelled to do things I know I shouldn't. Like every time I step foot on an airplane, I feel this overwhelming urge to say the word bomb. More specifically, I want to say the phrase Ready with the bombs, buddy. It is from the South Park movie, and it just comes in to my head as soon as my butt is in that tiny seat.

Like in church. I don't go very often, but every time I am in a church, I have to fight the desire to giggle at something inconsequential. The laughter then grows and becomes hard to contain. The next thing you know, you are getting the stink eye from other, more godly parishioners.

Well, it is fall and all over town there are people gathering leaves and placing them near curbs for pick up. I see these painstakingly crafted mounds and I have only one thought. To run through, and mess up these pristine piles of leaves and put them right back where they came from. It would be a sight to behold, watching some hapless husband walk out on to his front lawn and see all his hard work, all those leaves scattered right back where they started. His wife would yell, "I thought I told you to rake up those leaves!"

And, he would protest, but she wouldn't believe him. All because I feel the need to do things I know I shouldn't. But, it sure would be fun to play in all those leaves.

Ready with the bombs, buddy!!!

Stop Ruining Everything, Geeks!!

2007-11-05T15:13:00.001-08:00

I've just about had it with people. Why is everyone out to ruin everything I watch on television? It is no secret I love Man vs. Wild. So, some douche bag comes along and says "Hey sorry, loyal viewers, shit's not real." Thanks for the newsflash, asshole. It's television. Of course it's not real. Some of the scenes are staged? The hell you say. What am I? An idiot. I don't need people to protect me from the fact that television isn't real. I get that. Now, with all the disclaimers and bullshit, the show sucks. So, thanks. You succeeded in ruining the show for me.

God forbid things aren't real on television. Except when it comes to all these fucking sci-fi shows and the geeks who spend countless hours rehashing them and comparing them to things and basically sucking any life out of them. Lost, Heros, Battlestar . . .FUCK OFF AND DIE!! Who cares which manga/anime/comic book this shit is based on? I don't care which graphic novel is cited heavily in the episode. You all suck. Everything isn't Star Trek. It doesn't need to be dissected. Don't start websites devoted to "figuring out" what Lost means. You'll find out soon enough, and then you're life will really be over. Just let it be.

For all people's crying about shows like The Office not being enough like a real office, they don't seem to mind time portals or purgatory or dead cheerleader crap on other shows. I see, for that you can suspend disbelief. But not for anything else. Makes perfect sense.

Just leave my television alone. Let me watch in peace, without having to watch a webisode and show up at this bathroom stall at midnight to find out what the show was really about. It's television. Just watch it.

My Month Without Pants, Part 2

2007-11-03T15:25:00.000-07:00

As promised, more low-lights from my time on the couch.

There is really only one advantage to having your leg in a cast. Someone getting stuff for you. My dear Greazy had to be my slave boy for nearly 5 weeks. Bringing me drinks, getting me snacks, helping me get up the stairs. He was a trooper and didn't complain too much. At least not until the end, when I was crutching around like an old pro.

The other perk of being a temporary cripple is the day time television. From previous posts, you know I love Maury, and he is on about 10 times a day. But, there is only so much baby daddy drama one can take. Luckily there are lots of options for television. Reruns of classics like MASH. Soap operas. And, god bless TiVo. How I loved it so.

When people are mobile and not hopping on one foot, you rarely think about trying to get off a toilet with only one leg. Give it a try sometime. Go ahead, I'll wait. It's not so simple is it. It is a fucking chore. Until you go somewhere and discover the handicapped toilet is actually made for this express purpose. I'd have one in my house by now if it didn't look so odd.

The last installment . . .creepy doctors, STD and freedom.

Right Fucking On

2007-10-31T14:31:00.000-07:00

Just when I start to lose all hope for the world something like this happens. A guy from York, PA, where I live, took the Westboro Baptist fuckers to court and WON!! These assholes protested at his son's funeral and he sued them for damages. 11 million dollars sounds good to me. As my readers know, we had a run in with these jerks and experienced their "protests" first hand.

Score one for the home team, and one for the good in this world. I hope these bastards have to stop with these ridiculous protests because they won't have money to put gas in their crazy bus.

My Month Without Pants, Part 1

2007-10-23T12:57:00.000-07:00

As evidenced by my lack of production, my broken leg hit me pretty hard. I was listless, foggy and uninspired. I mean, more so than usual. So, I took some time to recap the low lights of my time in the plaster, and collected them here for you.

After I hobbled a mile and a half (uphill, mostly) out of the woods, drove 40 minutes home, changed clothes, and walked into the hospital, I finally broke down. Big, red-eyed, unattractive tears. It hit me that this was no run of the mill injury. My suspicions were confirmed by the kind, British radiology woman. She said to me, "Well, I'm not supposed to tell you, but it's broken. You'll find out soon enough, though."

My taller than tall doctor was not into my jokes. He splinted my no doubt stinky foot and sent me on my way with a referral for my real doctor. And, a prescription for magic pills. Somewhere in my stupid brain I heard the words coming out of my mouth, "I'm not going to take them, anyway." That lasted about 3 hours. I got home, onto the couch and realized that in all that "activity" my leg really hurt.

I called my mother to break the news to her (ha ha) and then popped my narcotics cherry. They were okay, nothing to write home about. But they helped me sleep like a champ. Despite Greazy treating me like some kind of junkie, I kept taking the pills. Two sometimes, just to sleep. But, I always waited the 4-6 hours in between. God, I'm a nerd even when I'm in terrible pain. I'm hopeless.

So, I get the splint off, and a cast on, and still no real doctor. Since I'm not fun, and don't require screws, pins, etc. I get a Mr. not a Dr. But, it mattered not, as I also got STD. No, not like that, Short Term Disability. NO WORK. Have more beautiful words ever been uttered.

Next time . . .the joys of a man servant, and more.

Newsflash

2007-09-10T19:09:00.001-07:00

I can say without hesitation, that breaking your leg sucks.

I got my cast on today, and while I am ordered off from work, which I am 100% fine with, I am still pretty depressed about the whole business. I can't do anything fun, I can barely get up my stairs. I feel cloudy in the head, and everything is a monumental effort. I can't be active, which is very important to me now. And, peeing seems like too much work.

Sadest of all, I had to cancel my hot-air balloon ride for my birthday this Saturday. So, all in all, things kind of blow right now.

It's Been a While

2007-08-18T21:41:00.000-07:00

I was coming home from a hike today, and innocently stopped at a local produce stand for some healthy snacks. The young man working at the stand started talking to me, asking me about my tattoos and things. He offered to put my peaches in a bag for me, and smiled.

It was then that it occurred to me. This young man was hitting on me. Since it has been eons since anything vaguely resembling this has happened, I was taken aback. I was sweaty and gross from my hike, but apparently this guy was into it. We chatted for a few more minutes, as every time I tried to leave, he would ask me another question. I have to say, it was flattering and he wasn't half bad looking.

It's nice to know I've still got it, or at the very least can attract a boy who works with fruit, clearly dazed from sitting in the sun.

Lifetime of Disappointment

2007-08-16T16:56:00.001-07:00

I can't believe I'm admitting this, but I have been sucked into the Lifetime series Sideorder of Life. It follows Jenny, as she starts kicking ass at work, and leaves her man. Overall it is a good series, but it suffers from an all-too-common ailment. That being that the main character is kind of whiny and annoying.

Jenny is a skinny, blonde bitch who doesn't really make me want to like her. On the flip side, her best friend is the overweight and funny Vivy, who really should be the focal point of the show.

We've seen this a thousand times, most recently with the popular Grey's Anatomy. Am I the only one who wished Meredith had drowned in the ferry accident, or finds her co-stars Callie, Izzy and Cristina much more interesting? I can only hope this season McDreamy sleeps with her sister, and she clears her throat and stops talking like that.

As for Side Order of Life, I am still interested as to who she is talking to on the phone, and what will happen with her cancer stricken friend, so I will keep watching. But just once, I'd like to see the main character be someone I actually care about, and not just some blonde who looks good.

Hating Giada

2007-08-06T16:15:00.000-07:00

I'm not quite sure when my hatred for Giada De Laurentiis started, but it is very real. I can't stand her. She bugs me even more than Rachel Ray, and that is saying a lot.

I've had the displeasure of watching her recently, as my husband likes her breasts. She did a show where she went to D.C. to show us the culinary delights of the town. She went to the farmer's market and took tiny bites of things. She went to restaurants and took tiny bites of her meals. Basically she's one of those birdy-bite women who has to stay skinny so they never truly eat.

But, here's the real kicker. She went to the Chocolate Buffet at the Ritz Carlton (which I have done) and proceeded to pile her plate full of chocolate wonders. She comes back to her table with a cookie in her mouth, and proceeds to take a tiny bite of each thing, and that's it. An ordinary person pays $25 dollars for the pleasure of eating all this greatness. She has to "be good" and only take a wee bite of each. What a shameful waste.

And, how, pray tell, can every food item on earth be creamy in texture. Everything this bitch makes is "creamy" or very rarely "nutty". She also does that annoying thing of pronouncing some words with an Italian accent, even though everything else is perfect English. I know she is Italian, but it is annoying as fuck. We get it, you're from Italy. Bully for you.

So, I feel better now that I've gotten that off of my chest. Sometimes hatred is hard to explain, but easy to enjoy.

Who Does That?

2007-08-03T07:50:00.000-07:00

Anyone who knows me knows that the title of this post is one of my most often asked questions. I truly have the desire to know what possesses people to do the things they do. What makes people think that certain things are acceptable behavior? I find myself saying it or thinking it on a daily basis. Here are a few example of what I'm talking about. You decide, Who Does That?

Takes a metal shard from out of their boot and hands it to someone to "throw away."
Asks a female co-worker to help a guy push his disabled vehicle out of someone's way.
Tells a stranger to smile more, and that it may not make her feel better, but it will help her look better.
While seated at a table at a restaurant, hears someone at the next table say "dickhead" and moves tables in disgust.
While discussing professionalism with a subordinate, stops to take a phone call in which a woman's appearance and willingness to put out are discussed.

These are just a few of the genius things I am privy to everyday. I marvel at the stupidity, the thoughtlessness and the downright asshole nature of people.

Not Bad

2007-07-17T21:26:00.000-07:00

Just for a little fun, I went to simpsonizeme.com and found out what I would look like as a resident of Springfield. Not a bad likeness, if you ask me.

Death of a Planet

2007-07-10T16:39:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry to say that Punk Planet is no more. I just received the last issue in the mail, along with the first zine, as an added bonus.

It's hard to believe they are not going to be around any more. Even harder to believe is that they have been around since I graduated high school.

So, farewell to yet another independently published magazine. The times, they certainly are changing.

It Runs in the Family

2007-07-08T19:00:00.000-07:00

It must be in the genes. I was talking to my sister last night, and she was telling me all about her new little bundle of joy, my niece. She filled me in on all their recent activities and what they've been up to. And, it seems just like her aunt, my little EJ loves her some Man Vs. Wild.

While she is only three weeks old, she already has an affinity for one Mr. Bear Grylls. While her daddy was holding her watching the show, she turned to look at the TV, something she doesn't really do. Seems she was quite taken with the program, unable to look away, especially when Bear was talking. So far, it is one of the few things on television she has responded to at all.

At least now I know, we have something in common. Well, other than our noses.

Impossible Bastards, Part 2

2007-07-05T15:29:00.000-07:00

Well, just when I thought it couldn't get any worse at my job, it did. I just got back from vacation today, to find that I no longer have email. Now, I am stuck with no communication, no internet, and no fun.

And, to the jackass who commented on my first post of this nature, let's see you do your job without email!!!

Latest Addition

2007-07-04T13:25:00.000-07:00

While my sister is bravely navigating the waters of new parenthood, I know I'm way too much of a wuss for that. Therefore, the newest addition to our family is my new iPod shuffle, Baby Otis.

Baby Otis, as he is known, came into our home today, at 3:30pm. After a quick install, I filled his tiny ass up with songs. Now, I am ready to clip him on and go. It is truly extraordinary how little he is. So unassuming, so unobtrusive. He makes his Papa look like a big, clunky dude.

So, I'm now a grandparent. My baby has a baby. And, I couldn't be happier.

I Look Pissed on the Outside, Because I'm Pissed on the Inside

2007-06-28T11:39:00.000-07:00

You'd think with all the concerts I've seen in my life, I'd be prepared for something like this, but I'm not.

Morrissey cancelled the show we were going to see this weekend, due to throat troubles. BITCH!! Now, I love Morrissey with my whole heart, and I want him to be okay. But, COME ON!! I have been looking forward to this show form months. And, we still don't know when it will be rescheduled. No doubt there will have to be schedule finagling, and it will be terribly inconvenient. There is nothing I hate more than inconvenience.

This too shall pass, but right now I'm mad. So mad in fact that I am going to go cry. Is it wrong to not always be glad?

R.I.P Mr. Wizard

2007-06-12T20:03:00.000-07:00

I just read that Mr. Wizard died. He was 89 years old. To those who don't know, Mr. Wizard (Don Herbert) had a show on Nickelodeon that showed kids the joys of science using everyday things. He was the bomb.

I loved that show so much growing up. He will be missed.

My New Obsession

2007-06-04T19:06:00.000-07:00

This weekend my sister accused me of only watching television programs that feature guys that I find hot. I had to admit, she had a point. With out Don Eppes, I'm not watching Numb3rs. Without Nick, there is no CSI.

So, maybe I'm a one trick pony. I can live with that. But, it's not the only thing I look for in a show. I mean, I like Matthew Fox, but all the shirtless-on-the-beach shots in the world won't get me to watch Lost. But, I must admit that my new favorite show does feature some hunky goodness, in the form of one Mr. Bear Grylls. The show is Man Vs. Wild, on the Discovery Channel.

First, the guy's name is Bear (it's actually Edward.) He was in the British Special Forces, and has climbed Mount Everest. Now, he does a show where he shows you how to get out of dangerous places and situations that the everyday Joe might find themselves in. Trapped in the Rockies? Trapped on an island? Take a wrong turn in the rainforest? No problem. Bear knows the way out, and he wants you to know too.

To be fair, I couldn't do 99% of the crap he can do, but that isn't why I watch. I'm watching for one reason. Naked Push-ups. When Bear was trapped in the Alps, he was kind enough to show everyone what to do when you fall through thin ice. Of course, after he got out of that cold water, his wet clothes made him more vulnerable to hypothermia. So, he had to get out of them quickly. And, in order to restore blood flow, well, what works better than push-ups? But, don't take my word for it, see for yourself.

See? Brilliant. If loving Bear is wrong, I don't want to be right. Check out the show, you won't be sorry. New episodes start June 15th.

Where My Girls At?

2007-05-26T19:11:00.000-07:00

Every summer, we prepare for the blockbuster movie season. And we are treated to the lowest of the low when it comes to actual cinema. This summer appears to be no exception. But, I'm less concerned about the quality of films, and more concerned with the fact that there are really no movies that feature more than one woman in a main role. I thought at first it was just my little feminist alarm going off, but I'm pretty much right on this.

Spiderman 3, The Pirates of the Caribbean 3, Ocean's 13, Fantastic Four, even Shrek 3 only feature one leading lady. It's not even a recent phenomenon. Think Star Wars (today and yesterday.) Carrie Fisher and Natalie Portman. That's it. Hell, there are movies that don't even put a woman in them. Even in an extra role. Think war movies like Hunt for Red October, Crimson Tide, Saving Private Ryan. We get movies like Pearl Harbor and the agony that is Kate Beckinsale.

The list goes on. Gladiator, Old School, The Departed, Gangs of New York, Good Fellas, Casino, Die Hard. Sure, these movies are mostly guy films. But, what about movies that are for us ladies. Like Elizabeth. The only woman of any significance is Helen Mirren. So, there weren't any other woman in the whole of England? Or Shakespeare in Love? We get Gwyneth. That's it.

I just think there have to be more roles for women than the token, the hooker or the girlfriend. I know Hollywood isn't always the bastion of intellect or credibility. But significant speaking parts for women shouldn't be that much of a challenge. Hell, if they can make an unrated DVD version of every movie to get the boob shots in, maybe just spend a little more time on the regular movie and give women something smart to say, and a place to say it.

The Long Hot Summer: Part 3

2007-05-23T12:31:00.001-07:00

Last up, CSI. (I also watch Grey's Anatomy on a regular basis. But, that show is on my shit list right now.) Anyway back to CSI.

The Miniature Killer was revealed, and it turns out it is indeed a super-creepy foster child of Ernie Dell, the original suspect who shot himself on a webcam while Grissom watched. Oh, and did we mention it's a chick? Very rare, the female serial killer. How nice for her. Turns out, she's a janitor at CSI, and has delivered Grissom and the gang a new mystery to solve.

A little background on the killer. Her bio-dad is a freaky ventriloquist, she killed her sister because she was the favorite, and is triggered into the rages by bleach, after watching her dad clean up her sister's blood with bleach. Nice. So, Grissom finally figures out that building the miniatures is personal, as he made one himself, of his own office. And, the new miniature features the very unappealing Sara Sidle under a car, in the desert. Her previous miniatures all contained bleach somehow, and were all places she worked, we assume. They find the hobby shop where she gets her stuff, and track down her apartment.

They know the car is from an accident scene where the killer was lurking, and she figured out that Grissom and Sara are riding the hobby horse (see Breakfast Club.) And, now everyone else knows too, as Grissom spilled the beans in his explanation of the miniature to the team. So, the killer wants to take what Grissom loves, because he took the only person she loved, Ernie.

So, in a really annoying "To Be Continued" situation, Grissom can't get the freaky killer girl to tell him where Sara is, and she's really under the car, fighting for her life. Will she live? Will she die? Will CBS renew her contract? Who knows?

Overall, it was good, but kind of a disappointment, as season enders go. The season-ending-double-episode-Tarantino-thriller with my lovely Nick buried alive was way better. I don't care if Sara dies, and I don't think anyone else does either.

The Long Hot Summer: Part 2

2007-05-22T17:09:00.000-07:00

Next up, The Office.

This is my favorite show by far. I just love it. And, the season finale did not disappoint. Michael, Jim and Karen are going to be interviewing for a new job at Corporate, and Jim and Karen are heading up to NYC early to spend some time together. Michael gets a visit from Jan, who has had some minor surgery. By that, I mean the biggest boob job ever. Michael is now torn as to whether or not he should take her back, so he summons his "girls" and they tell him to say no. But, Jan puts her chest out and he says yes.

Meanwhile, up at Corporate, Michael has a decent interview with David, but then reveals his revitalized relationship with Jan. Well, it turns out that it's Jan's job they are there to get. So, Jan flips out when Michael tells her, and he goes back to Scranton without a new job, having withdrawn his name in "protest". That leaves, so we think, Karen or Jim to vie for the position. While Jim is interviewing, we flash back to his Beach Day after-confession time with Pam and he finds the token of affection she left in his sales reports for luck. He leaves Corporate without Karen, and is driving while we hear Pam's voice talking to the documentary crew.

Suddenly, Jim interrupts, and asks her to dinner. She says yes, and he utters the magic words, "It's a date." Pam nearly cries when she turns back to the crew.

I LOVE IT!!!! The very last scene is Ryan accepting the Corporate job and dumping Kelly. Her resounding "WHAT?!" closes the season. This is the one show I can't wait to get back to. I love that Jim and Pam are together. I just hope they don't mess with them too much. They are too cute together.

The Long Hot Summer: Part 1

2007-05-21T16:16:00.000-07:00

Since summer is here, and the networks have sent their shows to sleep-away camp, I'm recapping some of the season finales that I've watched and enjoyed. The first one I shall discuss is Numb3rs.

This show is a favorite of mine, mostly due to the fact that Rob Morrow is a total and complete hottie. He plays FBI super-agent Don Eppes. His brother is Dr. Charles Eppes, nerdy math geek who helps him solve crime. The rest of the FBI team consists of David, the tough-yet-sensitive-type. Colby, the ex-army-not-so-bright-type. And, Megan, the behaviorist-martial-arts-tough-chick-with-a-heart-of-gold type. Oh, and there's the sometimes-there-sometimes-not Liz, who doubles as Don's lady friend.

This week, a crazy British dude has commandeered a bridge, and threatens to blow it up, cell-phone-bomb-style if the cops don't get the Brothers Eppes there pronto. They arrive and talk to the guy, who tells Charlie he has to answer a bunch of questions in order to save the bridge. For every correct answer, he throws away a cell phone that will detonate a bomb. Pretty cool huh?

Colby has the brilliant idea to go under the bridge, to find out what kind of cell phones the wacko is using so they can shut down the service. He and David use these crazy Batman-style gadgets to climb up, and see what's going on. Charlie is rocking through the questions, until he hesitates a little too long, and the guy goes all dial-a-bomb on him. Our fellows under the bridge are unharmed. They are not near the blast, but I have to think that would still suck pretty bad.

So, Don gets sick of all this crap, and after they jam the cell service, he goes out to kick some limy ass. The bomber starts to run, but Don shoots, and another bomb goes off. Magically, the guy lives. He's in the hospital, and sends Charlie messages through the oxygen thing on his finger. Turns out, this Brit was some mad cryptographer and the Eppes boys find out he was trying to tell them about a super-secret list of people who are compromised by foreign governments. Even though everyone says the list is bogus, Charlie's math says otherwise. They finally crack the code, and are led to a reporter. She knows about the list, but not who's on it; yet. Megan and Colby put her under protective custody, and Megan gives Colby crap for showboating under the bridge.

When the bad guys come to kill everyone in the safe house (they may want to start calling them something else, because someone always dies in them) Colby says he will "protect" the witness. Charlie and his lady friend/colleague Amita, figure out that the list is on the reporter's voice mail, and as they listen, they hear that it contains the name of someone they know. Colby, the doofus under the bridge. Turns out, he's been working for the Chinese, just like his war buddy from a couple episodes back. Don and David head to the house when Colby doesn't answer the phone. They find him trying to sneak out the back (Jack) with the reporter, to kill her and shut her up.

Back at the FBI, they get Colby to confess and give up his army buddy, and they haul them to Gitmo, probably. Everyone is suitably upset (David has tears! So sensitive!) and the crew is in for some turmoil, no doubt. Can't wait for next year. Here's hoping for a little more eye candy on the team. Although, no one will ever compete with my Don.

Numb3rs is on CBS, Fridays at 10pm.

Tour of Duty: Day 4

2007-05-17T08:18:00.000-07:00

Well, I am free at last. They sent us home this morning, and I am now officially free from duty for three years. I have to say, all in all, it was just a big old boring waste of time. But, on the other hand, I got to chat with some nice people, read and get out of work. Those are all positives in my book.

They came in and rounded us all up, and then the one woman who works there proceeded to tell us that they would be panelling a group of 40, and the trial was starting Monday, it would be two weeks, and in another county. Everyone gasped, but I was noticing the smile on her face, as she revealed her joke. I thought it was quite good, as she had the deadpan face down pat.

So, I am now free for the rest of the day, and then back to work for a whole day tomorrow. Sometimes, doing your duty can be an okay thing.

Tour of Duty: Day 3

2007-05-16T16:52:00.000-07:00

Well, I was fortunate to not get panelled for either jury that was selected today. The funny thing is that both of them came back almost immediately, as both cases resulted in plea bargains. And, most of the cases that were started Tuesday and Wednesday are back to waiting with the rest of us unselected folk. The end of the week can't come fast enough for most of us. On the plus side, I have finished one book and started another.

Today, the 4 self appointed "cool girls" of the group, started playing Spoons in the lounge area. Every time someone would open the door, you'd hear loud noise and laughter. I appreciate that they were having fun, but it got to be a little tedious after so many hours trapped together. I am always amazed at these people's ability to find each other in a room full of 300 people. They have managed to be the center of attention all week long. I've been sticking to myself, eating lunch with a nice woman I met on the first day. It's crazy how much of adult life is just like high school.

So, I am hoping that tomorrow will be my last day of this tedium, and that I am not selected for anything else. I am not looking forward to going back to work, but this is the most boring thing there is on earth.

Tour of Duty: Day 2

2007-05-15T17:05:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought I was safe, I was panelled for another jury today. In the second case, I was the third one picked. Again, I was not selected for service, as I felt I couldn't be fair and impartial in this particular instance. Due to legal constraints, I can't really say more. But, needless to say, it would have been hard for me to not assume the guy was guilty.

Today, also had the added weirdness of the victim being present in the courtroom. She was a witness in the case, and therefore was present at jury selection. It's hard to look at someone in her situation and not feel really bad. Because either way it goes down, she's still having to relive things over again.

After lunch, there was more waiting around, and then we were sprung at two o'clock. Still days to go on my service to my government and community. You know, it's hard to view it as service when it is forced upon you. In recent days, I've discussed with several people the idea of volunteer jury duty. Of course there would have to be some incentive, like no local tax for a year, or something. But, I think it might make for better candidates than those of us forced against our will to be fair. It was even more apparent to me today that the idea of impartial and fair are easier said then done.

Tour of Duty: Day 1

2007-05-14T17:04:00.000-07:00

So, I reported for jury duty today, bright and early. Me and 299 of my unlucky cohorts sat in a room, while they took attendance, explained the rules and made us watch a film. Then, the real fun began, as we began to wait around for the "panelling" to begin. This is where they take a group of you, in our case 30, to be a part of Voir Dire. That is where the lawyers ask you questions, and pick you based on your answers.

I was the first one picked for the second panel. We were lined up, walked up to an elevator. We all got in, except one poor woman that they told to get out, because there was too much weight. They just left her there, not telling her where to go. It was priceless. (Coincidentally, I later had lunch with her.) We were taken to the 10th floor to the courtroom. We waited again until everyone from the group made it from the elevator, including our wayward passenger.

We walked past the sheriff's deputy, and then again waited in our lines. It was all very serious. We walked to the courtroom door, and waited again. It was at this point that I was overwhelmed by the urge to laugh. Then, when the pushed open the doors, and there in front of me was the guy in the black robe, the lawyers, the defendant, and oh of course, the high school field trip, I really needed to laugh. It felt like trying not to laugh in church. I liken it to my uncontrollable urge to say "Ready with the bombs, buddy" whenever I get on a plane. I know you can't do it, so I really want to.

So, they asked us some questions, to see if we could be "fair and impartial." That is a total crock in my opinion. There isn't a person on this planet who can be fair and impartial. Everyone has their biases and prejudices. And, let me just tell you, when you are at jury duty, and you see the defendant grab a paper cup off the table, and proceed to pee into it, it's hard to imagine him not doing other inappropriate things in life. If I could have taken a picture of the defense attorney's face, it would be on this post right now. I am not kidding, this really happened.

I honestly don't know how anyone can put all of themselves aside to decide someone else's fate. And, for now I don't have to. I wasn't selected for the jury. But, I'm stuck there for another three days at least, until all the juries are filled. So, keep your fingers crossed that I get through this without having to actually sit on a jury. But, at the very least, I'll get some good stories out of it.

Pam in My Hero

2007-05-12T19:09:00.000-07:00

To anyone who is a fan of the show The Office, you know there are so many reasons to love it. Michael is the worst boss (multiplied by 1000), Dwight is the weirdest man alive and Jim is adorable. But, after this week's episode of the show, my new favorite character has to be Pam.

Now, to those of you who don't know, Pam is the receptionist on the show. She is sweet, shy, and sometimes a doormat. But, this week, at "Beach Day" Pam finds the strength to walk on hot coals when no one else would, to call out her co-workers for dissing her art show, and to tell Jim the truth.

She misses him. She misses their friendship. He's the reason that she called off her wedding. I was so impressed by this great, albeit fictional, display of honesty and strength. I found a new respect for Pam after this week, and even though I know this whole business will be drawn out forever, I hope she and Jim can finally be together one day.

God, sometimes television is just wonderful.

Where Have All The Asses Gone?

2007-05-02T19:37:00.000-07:00

As a normal, red-blooded American woman, I look at cute men. Hell, I'll look at cute boys (always above 18, of course) if they strike my fancy. But, in all this looking, I have noticed one terrible truth. There are very few nice tushes out there. I mean, it used to be that if a man was attractive, you could often count on a nice rear view as he walked on by. Now, all you see is the baggy expanse of fabric where an ass should be. What happened? Where did the glutes go?

At an old college hang out recently, there were some very nice young men holding court at the table next to me. When one walked by to get another beer, I checked him out. Nothing but a wall of lacrosse shorts for my trouble. There was literally not even a break in the plane of the shorts. It was like a curtain, over a very flat window.

And while I was with my dear Grimace, not that long ago, she pointed out a cute boy to me. Nice eyes, good hair, all the amenities. Then, as he walked away, my smile faded. A mere mole hill, where one would hope to find a mountain. Disappointment yet again.

Bring me Mel Gibson circa 1988, pre-crazy, pre-Jesus freak years. Now there was an ass. Now, we are lucky to get a passing butt shot from any celebrity, because there is nothing left to show. I don't think they're being modest, I think they are being smart.

I don't know what to say, only that maybe these boys should borrow my Firm Fanny Lifter, or do some squats. Because, let me just tell you, there is nothing going on back there, but the backs of your legs.

Tour of Duty

2007-04-15T20:06:00.000-07:00

What's worse than going to a job you hate? Having to not go the job you hate, in order to go to jury duty. That is the fate that has befallen me, come this May. I must go and report to the courthouse, bright and early, in order to (maybe) perform my civic duty.

I worry about my ability to actually serve on a jury. Not just because it seems like a tedious, time sucking waste. But, if I am selected, you have to sit in a court room, and listen to boring lawyers and witnesses. And, they expect you to pay attention. So much so that you can render a verdict. I am prone to spacing out, sometimes for many minutes at a time. I can just see this happening in the middle of some important testimony, and I miss the crux of the case. Then, when we are back in the jury room, some other person will turn to me and say, "What do you think?" And, I won't have a clue. This is our legal system. In the hands of ADHD people like me.

America, we need to rethink this whole thing. I can't be trusted with important tasks like this. Let's face it, most of you can't be trusted either. So, why not leave this difficult task to people who can really do it. Like old people. They would be perfect. It would give them something to do all day. They'd get to feel important. And, it would keep them from bugging me all day at my job. I think it's a win-win. Think about it.

I Don't Want to Get Off on a Rant Here . . .

2007-04-05T10:07:00.000-07:00

Dennis Miller, what the hell happened to you? Every time I turn on my television, there you are, another right wing talking head with an "attitude." You are on Hannity and O'Reilly. You appear on Leno and spew your new found George Bush ass-kissing style. Sure, you still throw in your famously obscure references, but it's just not the same. Every other time I see you, you are going on and on about "kicking ass and taking hyphenated names." Nice. It just breaks my heart, a little more each time.

See, Dennis, I used to love you. I mean, really love you. I watched you when you had your short lived talk show. I watched your HBO show religiously, and took the fact that you used a Henry Rollins song in your show as a sign of our kinship. I would laugh at your rants, and shake my head in agreement. You pulled no punches, and even if I didn't agree with you, the artful way you said things made me laugh anyway. You spoke to me, and for me, as I do not have a television show. You were funny, wry and witty. Whether you were cutting down a guest, or truly getting what they were saying, they always got a fair shake. I even went to see you do a live performance, sick with a head cold, and got berated by some joyless yuppie and his wife for interrupting their non-laughter with coughing. All for you, babe.

And, now, you've turned on me, Dennis. I know the events of September 11 were impossible to deal with, and we all came out changed. But, you changed into a douche bag. Truly. I know as we age, our opinions change. We become parents, recognize our own mortality, and start worrying about taxes, retirement, and growing old. A lot of people grow more conservative with age, I get that. But, you my friend are off the deep end. When you spend your free time sucking up to O'Reilly and praising his ability to debate the pros and cons of Rosie O'Donnell, you have lost the plot, big time.

What worries me most, is that I think you are a sell out. I can't tell if you really believe your diatribes or not. But I do know this. The liberal entertainment world wasn't buying the new, conservative tinged you. So, you went to the next logical step. Turning tail, and joining the dark side. There is more room at the crazy table on the right side of the room. And, the money is better. So, congrats. You may have more money now, but you will never be great like you were. You have lost me forever. No longer will I be able to say things like, "I've got a life to lead cha cha" and not feel dirty. All I can do now is listen to the Off White Album, and mourn the loss of my Dennis. While the new one is no doubt playing golf with Karl Rove.

POST SCRIPT: I think it the height of irony, when the word that comes up as the alternative for Hannity in spell-checker, is sanity.

Goofing on the Stupid

2007-04-05T08:29:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I just can't resist messing with people. Especially people who think they are monumentally funny, when they are clearly not. I can raise my left eyebrow independent of the other. I use this look to convey disbelief, wonder, incredulity or sometimes surprise. While at work the other day, I gave my boss this look when he said something dopey. A customer happened to be walking in and noticed my look. When he arrived at my window, he said, "Oh, you're giving him The Rock."

Now, I know who The Rock is. I'm not living in a cave. I am aware of professional wrestling. I am familiar with the look and smelling what he is cooking and all that. But, I decided this guy needed to be knocked down a peg. It was not funny, and he needed to know that.

So, devious me pretended not to know what he was talking about. I looked at him with the eyebrow, and said, "What?" He repeated himself, and smiled expectantly, like maybe I hadn't heard him. I looked at him blankly, and smiled my best fake smile. "Sorry. I don't know who that is." The air was officially out of his sails. He walked away dejected and my job was done.

"I didn't want to do it; felt I owed it to him." You said it, Judge Smails.

Impossible Bastards

2007-03-13T08:38:00.000-07:00

Well, it finally happened. The proverbial last straw. My employer has decided, starting March 19th, to take away my Internet access. It is not just me they are blocking, but everyone like me. They've decided that only the important folks get to have the Internet, and I am clearly not important. But, that is not the real issue.

The real issue is that I'm going to have nothing to do with my day anymore. I have an extraordinary amount of downtime at my job. And, without the Internet, I am lost. Needless to say, I am pissed off. While the Internet may not be the best use of my time, until they give me a job that is actually demanding, I'd like to know what I am supposed to do? I don't know anyone who doesn't have access to the Internet at work, and I don't know anyone who has a job so demanding, that they don't have a significant amount of time to surf the web. Hell, I know people who watch television shows online at their jobs. But, the tide has turned, and it looks like I might have to find a new job.

So, for the next week, I am going to abuse the hell out of the Internet. Absorb as much as I can. Until I am forced to sit here and stare off into space. What an effective use of my time.

Can't Someone Else Do It?

2007-02-28T08:01:00.000-08:00

I just got done listening to a man prattle on and on about the evils of credit cards, and how they are always "out to screw you" and that they charge too much interest. Due to TGWOoFY's illustrious past, I know a great deal about credit cards. More than I ever wanted to. And, I happen to know he is wrong. But, that doesn't stop people from placing blame and trying to make everyone else responsible for their actions.

Another man came into our office the other day, head full of steam. You see, he received his tax bill in the mail, and instead of mailing it to his mortgage company himself, he had us do it for him, and it didn't make it. So, who's fault is that you ask? Well, of course it is our fault. How could it possibly be his? Just because I manage to mail my tax bill, doesn't mean he should have to. That would mean buying stamps and envelopes and putting it in the mailbox at the end of his driveway. What are you, mad or something?

These are just two examples of the epidemic of "It's not my fault." Actually reading your credit card statement is hard work. So just bitch when things show up that you don't recognize, instead of actually paying attention to your spending and your wife's. Mailing your own tax bill is hard, why not make people at a retail bank be responsible for doing it for you.

Why is it so hard to take responsibility for yourself? I know sometimes it sucks, but come on. No one else in the world cares about your crap, so why make them take charge of it. It's not the teacher's fault your kid gets in trouble, it's theirs. It's not your boss's fault you suck at your job, it's yours. And, it not the opposite sex's fault you are single, it's yours.

Come on people, it's time to get right. It's not that hard, and trust me, the world will thank you.

Un Pocito Gay

2007-02-26T07:46:00.000-08:00

I think most women would agree that men are confusing. Despite their efforts to paint themselves as uncomplicated, they certainly are not. They do all the same things they accuse women of doing. Gossiping, contradicting themselves, and changing their minds. They also are notorious for sending mixed signals. Doing one thing, yet saying another. Let me illustrate.

After the recent media attention heaped on John Amaechi, the former NBA player who came out of the closet, and the subsequent homophobic response from some in the sport, it sparked some conversations about attitudes towards gay people. More particularly, men's responses to gay people. Let's face it. There is, by and large, a more visceral reaction among the "man's man" crowd about gayness. That includes the military and sports teams. But, for all their apparent disgust, there is an awful lot of questionable things going on there.

Here are these big manly men. Showering together, walking around naked, peeing next to each other, and basically showing off their junk at the drop of a hat. Why the fear of a dividing wall? Did the stadium run out of money, and therefore can't afford partitions for you to pee without showing your willy? And, in locker rooms outfitted with plasma TVs and leather couches, you skimp on the walls in the shower? Interesting. Then, during the game. The ass patting, the hugging, picking each other up, and general merriment that ensues after a score is positively fancy. Same for the military. Can't John Q Taxpayer foot the bill so you can wash your privates in private? (I know, bad pun.)

These practices aren't confined to the locker room though. Men peeing next to each other, with just a tiny piece of Formica between them, has always puzzled me. As I said above, what is the problem with walls? I know you all can pee standing up, like you are constantly in the woods, but would it kill you to have some privacy? It just doesn't make sense.

To my knowledge, there is really no time in a woman's life when we want to be voluntarily naked together. Any woman you know can take her bra off without removing her shirt. And, can exchange that shirt for a new one, with minimal flesh exposed. As for peeing, privacy is a given due to our sitting down requirement, but we will wait out anyone else in that bathroom to poo in private.

So, I don't know what to make of all this, I am just curious as to what the explanation might be. When does male naked time stop being gay, and start being manly? Why all the open floor plans? And, more importantly, if you can stomach all that, then why the hang up about gay guys?

But, Can it Erase Shame?

2007-02-22T08:03:00.000-08:00

I have become smitten with a brilliant invention, and I can't stop raving about it. It is the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.

I must admit, at first I was skeptical that this product could do what it claimed, but I am now a convert. We had a spot on our counter top, that we dubbed the Gorbachev, which we attempted to tame with many different techniques. But, until this little beauty came into our lives, it wouldn't budge. Now, it is gone. Nothing short of a miracle. It also cleaned the many spatters of tomato sauce that Greazy gets everywhere behind our stove. The scuff marks that our shoes leave inside our front door were also no match for this little beauty. In short, it is indeed magic.

I recommend this product to anyone, and it comes in several varieties. It can clean anything, and I do mean anything. So, get to work on all the nasty things in your life. If only it were big enough to erase people.

Oops, My Bad

2007-02-18T11:24:00.000-08:00

The saying goes that everyone makes mistakes. That is true. We all do. So, how come when you make a mistake, you feel so alone?

In addition to feeling embarrassed or angry at yourself, or that you are a bad person, there is a real sense that you are the only one who has ever screwed up so badly. You just feel like no one else can possibly be a stupid as you, no one would ever do the "horrible" thing you did. And, so (unless you have no conscience, in which case none of this applies) the beating yourself up begins. You go over it and over it in your mind, thinking of all the things you could have done differently, and replaying the gory details of it, just to really make sure you feel bad enough. Because, clearly you are evil and need to suffer.

Now, of course, with a little perspective, we would all realize that unless someone is dead, physically injured, or worse, no slip up is the end of the world. Be it a huge gaffe at work that makes your boss turn eight shades of red. Or the foot-in-the-mouth moment at the in-laws. Or, the worst of all, hurting someone you truly care about and love with your thoughtlessness.

So, how do you get over the mistake and move on, without spending countless hours depressed and hurting yourself. Great question. And, the truth is, I don't really know for sure. I am far too likely to stew about things for far too long, making myself the villain in every scene. And, maybe I am, but I really don't think so. So, to all that I have wronged, please forgive me. But more importantly, I forgive myself. Try it sometime, it feels pretty good.

Uncivilized Disobedience

2007-02-12T09:08:00.000-08:00

Despite the cold, and despite that fact that part of me didn't even want to, GT and I made our way to York Suburban High on Saturday night, and took part in a demonstration against the Westboro Baptist "Church" and their appearance at the school's production of the Laramie Project. All 10 or 12 of them, to about 200 of us.

These "people" took a break from picketing soldier funerals, to come and rail against us "gay lovers" and sing God Bless America. It was highly effective. Despite their vile words, such as "This is why so many of your children are coming home from Iraq in pieces" their protest was largely ineffective. They were outnumbered, outsmarted, and generally outclassed by our group. It ranged from the silent protests of some, to the declaration that "God loves everyone, even pirates."

I am proud to have been a part of something positive, and something that shows York isn't all bad. That there are many tolerant people living among us. And, that hate groups aren't welcome in our town. No matter how silly and insignificant.

*For a light-hearted look at how crazy these people are check out this site, made in response to the charming site run by the WBC.

OH MY GAWD!!

2007-02-09T07:04:00.000-08:00

I wasn't going to mention all this, but it has gone far enough. Okay, I thought I was the only one in the world who's life was empty enough to concern themselves with trivial crap. But, apparently I was wrong. Some people just will not be happy until they can find controversy where there is none. Or, until they can be offended by something that is not in any way offensive. Clearly there is a new evil that has been unleashed on the world, and it is the commercial and a well placed guitar. Well done CBS, you godless, amoral network.

Now, the fact that Prince performed at the Superbowl was strange enough, but, get this, he held his guitar in front of his body, and it looked kind of like a giant penis when view behind a giant sheet. Sure, okay. I totally agree with you. How dare he strike a rock star pose while being a rock star? Then, there was a commercial featuring a Snickers bar and a couple guys who kiss, kind of. This is also outrageous. Both to gay advocacy groups, and straight guys equally. Who would have thought it? Then, of course there is the despondent GM robot which is so frightful and terrible, it is also totally offensive.

Can I ask a silly question? Do people have any idea these are commercials? They know that robots don't really feel, right, and that that the guys with the Snickers are actors? I swear to god, can't these people get a hobby, like fishing or something? No, apparently, they all have the networks on speed dial and are poised to call in the moment they find something a little "scary" or "offensive" (at least to their tremendously delicate minds.)

I can tell you something that offends me. Stupid people, with no sense of irony. People who cry out against indecency, as typified by Prince. And then, they watch a modern day bloodsport where people are trying to hurt each other, while women in costumes with giant breasts cheer from the sidelines, while they get drunk. God, don't these people know some things are sacred? I mean, think about the children? When will CBS stop the madness? First a Janet Jackson boob, and now this?

I wish we could go back to the days when the Superbowl meant something. When companies spent millions of dollars on pointless ads, and a city shut down for a week so that two groups of men could compete for supremacy in tight pants. That is what America is all about, damn it.

Don't You Ever Get Tired of Being Wrong, Marge?

2007-02-06T07:11:00.000-08:00

I want a job where I can be wrong almost all the time. A job where I can take pot shots at people who are actually doing what I can only dream about, and cut them down. I want to say one thing one day, and then when I am proven wrong, be able to sidestep my original opinion for a more popular one. I want to make bold predictions, and then disown them the moment they don't happen. I want to hold someone up, put them on a pedestal and worship them. Then, I want to knock them down, spit on them and turn my back when they "fail" me. In short, I want to be a sports writer.

As a late comer to the world of sports (more specifically talking about sports) I view these jobs with envy. I want to shout my opinions to anyone who will listen, and then be able to backpedal faster than Lance Armstrong trying to avoid dog doo-doo. At my job, accuracy is one of the most important parts. I think it would be tremendously freeing to have a job where my performance is based not on how well I actually do my job, but how loudly I can say something and how deftly I can disguise the fact that it is a pile of crap.

All I want is the chance to pontificate about how absolutely essential it is for a certain athlete to do something, and then when it happens, move the goal post back another 50 yards and start again. And, when I can't find fault with an athlete's performance, I will find fault with his/her so called character. For writers, this usually means picking apart their comments, TV ads or shoe color. Anything to bring him or her back down to earth. So, I can feel superior. And, if you offend someone, well, just get them to yell at you, and you'll have column fodder for the rest of your career.

So, where do I sign up? It sounds like so much fun, like a dream actually. Believe me, I am an overly opinionated, mean, angry, grumpy person. Let me at these over-paid, over-blown, over-hyped jerks that I want to spend my life talking about.

Peyton Worshiper

2007-02-06T07:01:00.000-08:00

Congratulations to my Peyton, and the Colts on their Superbowl victory. I knew you could do it.

(PS, was I right about the booty, or what?)

You Know?

2007-01-31T19:36:00.000-08:00

It is amazing how the littlest thing can catch your ear or your eye, and you can't stop focusing on it, no matter how hard you try. I was recently forced to attend a useless training seminar at work. And, the presenter, had a verbal tick that threatened to drive me to madness. It was, You Know. Not the declarative, the question. Example? "We need to have these things in place, you know, because, you know it is the whole purpose of our business, you know." It was the most hellish two hours of my life.

I have no problem public speaking, and when I do, I have tried to make my speech patterns free of what I call verbal garbage. The ums, uhs, likes, whatevers and such are reserved for more colloquial speech. But, if I have to be on the radio, or talk to a group of co-workers, it is all business. This woman, who is very high up in my company said "You Know" over 200 times in 2 hours. That is crazy. Sometimes she wouldn't even finishing saying it, before she would start saying it again. That has to take a lot of talent.

I was completely lost on the message, because I was ticking off on a piece of paper every time those words left her lips. Even though I was warned of this behavior before the presentation began, I just couldn't focus on anything else. It makes you wonder how no one has ever approached her and said, "Hey, that is really annoying and unprofessional, please stop." You know?

Football Fantasy

2007-01-23T11:07:00.000-08:00

Much has been made of the Peyton Manning/Tom Brady rivalry in football. So many articles have been written, so many shows dedicated to figuring it all out. Who is the better quarterback? Who will have the greater legacy upon retirement? Does the postseason play of Tom Brady trump the regular season play of Peyton Manning, when it comes to the definition of success? Who knows, and more importantly who cares? I wouldn't kick either of them out of bed for eating crackers, but the real question to me is: Who is hotter? Let's break it down shall we?

LOOKS: Now, some may say Brady is the more handsome QB, but I don't necessarily agree. Sure, chin dimples and model girlfriends are nice, but they are not everything. Peyton may not be man-model hot, but he is still really cute. Besides, sometimes a guy can be too pretty.
EDGE: Brady

STATS: And, I'm not talking football stats here, ladies. Peyton enjoys the slight height and weight advantage over Tom, and is one year older. But, let's face it, in those pants, we can all see what really matters. The butt. And, while both are of the quarter-bouncing variety, Peyton's seems a little better. Plus, he rocks the whole hot bod in that Gatorade commercial. (I still say the shirt was unnecessary)
EDGE: Manning

PERSONALITY/BRAINS: Some would argue that this category is unimportant. And, they may be right. But, I include it anyway, because I like a guy who can talk. Peyton got a bachelors degree in 3 years, has a Master's and was Phi Beta Kappa at Tennessee. Brady went to Michigan. As far as personality goes, I don't know either one of them, so I can only go by what I see on television. And, quite simply, Peyton is way funnier in his commercials than Brady is in his. EDGE: Manning

MARITAL STATUS: This one is pretty straight forward. Brady is single, Manning is not. Are you into available guys, or do you like to torture yourself lusting after those who are already taken. I like both, but let's face it, if there is even the slightest, teeny tiny chance of it happening, it makes it that much better.
EDGE: Brady

THE BACON: Now some may argue that a millionaire is a millionaire, and after a certain point, it doesn't matter anymore. Right, sure, okay. The guy who said that was probably not the highest paid player in NFL history. EDGE: Manning

INTANGIBLES: In sports, much is made of having "it." Whatever it is. Well, for me this one is also simple. It's really all a matter of personal taste. After all, this is my blog, and none of this means anything.
EDGE: Manning

So there you have it. Clearly Peyton is hotter. Sorry Tom, I guess you'll have to comfort yourself with your supermodels and stacks of cash. Hopefully, you'll muddle through. As for you, Peyton. Call me. There is always room on the Top 5 list.

Idol Threats

2007-01-17T11:36:00.000-08:00

In the interest of full disclosure, I must admit that I am a Kelly Clarkson fan. I wasn't at first, but I am now. But, that fact not withstanding, I find American Idol repugnant in every way. From the shameless plants during the "audition" phase, to the lack of originality in the judges comments, to the final product which can only be described as a steaming pile of crap.

Granted, I don't watch the show, but I've seen enough pieces of it, and heard enough about it to get the idea. America decides who is the best singer. Clearly they have done a bang up job so far. Reuben? Clay? Fantasia? You mean to tell me that in season 1, Justin was the 2nd best person in the contest? Whatever. Stop telling me how compelling and great the show is. Stop trying to convince me that the "feud" between judges is real. Stop appearing on magazine covers. Most of all, stop trying to force feed us these watered-down pop candy wannabes. If you are interested in real talent, that is fine. But, we all know that is not the case.

Just don't look, maybe it will go away.

New Year, New Top 5

2007-01-02T18:48:00.000-08:00

Oh, what the hell? Why not? It's a brand new year, and I feel it's time for some upgrades to the top 5 list. These decisions are never easy, but sometimes change is good. And, let's face it, it's always nice to get some new blood on the list, just to shake things up. So, here we are:

1. Henry Rollins - I just don't think this one can change any time soon. Maybe if he would do something really awful, like Paris Hilton.

2. Liev Schreiber - What can I say about this guy but, Oh. My. God. Love him. Coming to one of my favorite shows, CSI. Made a Ben Affleck film bearable to watch, and well, he's adorable.

3. Ioan Gruffudd - Here is a newbie, and a hottie. I can totally blame this one on my husband. See, he's into naval history, and made me watch a bunch of made-for-TV movies, called Horatio Hornblower. And, you guessed it, he was Horatio. Also appeared in Titanic and Fantastic Four, but I won't hold that against him.

4. Justin Theroux - Thoroughly delicious, loved him on Six Feet Under, and Strangers with Candy. He is brilliant and lovely.

5. Chris Garver - From Miami Ink. Love his work. I would let him tattoo me anytime. Smart, funny, and my god, is he ever a cutie.

So, there you go. Some new crushes, for my new year. Now, to find them, stalk them and make it happen.

The Best Christmas Ever

2006-12-22T18:27:00.000-08:00

There was a time, long ago, before I was the happy married person I am now, where I dated a few losers. This one particular loser and I were in the throes of a terrible relationship, fraught with peril and ridiculousness. Despite this, we were at the mall one day, and he decided he wanted to buy me a ring. No, not that kind of ring. A crappy, department store ring. So, we went and he picked this garnet ring with a gold band for me. I wore it for a while, but soon the relationship was crashing down, and it was time to bail out.

Like any smart woman, with a crazy man she wants to get rid of, I broke up with him over the phone (on Thanksgiving). After the break, I returned to college, and went to his apartment, to retrieve the few things I had left there. He ran home to his mommy, with the cat he bought me. I was getting my things, when I noticed a yellow piece of paper on his entertainment center, next to where I put my keys. It was the receipt for the ring. I stood there for a moment, and then I took it and put it in my pocket. As I left that apartment for the last time, I knew what I had to do.

The next day, I went to the department store, and returned that ring. He had paid cash, you see. And, despite the sales lady's reluctance, I got a cash refund, not store credit. After that, I went and bought my family Christmas presents with the money, and even picked up something for myself. I returned to campus, and couldn't wait to tell everyone about it.

Through the years, I have told this story many times, to many people. And, though I have had more spectacular Christmas moments since then, it still remains the BEST Christmas ever.

I Can Stop Any Time I Want To

2006-12-21T10:42:00.001-08:00

I must admit, that I am somewhat addicted to my iPod. I often look at people strangely when they are talking about new songs on the radio. The only radio I am exposed to is the horrible crap I am forced to listen to at work. Soft rock and the like. When I am in my car, or working out, or on my computer, it is all iPod, all the time.

But, I find myself wanting more. Apparently, I am not alone. The new sleek and small iPods, make my 4th generation 40 gig iPod feel like a dinosaur. When I listen to it while I walk, I feel like everyone else has on a Walkman, and I am carrying the boom box on my shoulder. I must admit, that little Shuffle, or even a Nano would be much less cumbersome for working out and the like. Plus, they come in fun colors, and the Shuffle just clips to you, like a pen. Then, I could get a new, bigger memory iPod for home listening, and use Otis (the O.G. iPod) for the car. That would be perfect.

But, it does feel somewhat wasteful. To want another iPod. But, is it really? Isn't just like having more than one radio, or television at this point? For some reason, having so many iPods seems different. But, for someone like me, with so much music, breaking it into different sets would be great. Ah, to be independently wealthy, and be able to have as many as I wanted.

Or, if Santa needs any last minute ideas, the Shuffle would be great. Thanks.

You REALLY Shouldn't Have

2006-12-19T08:30:00.000-08:00

It's that time of year again. The time of giving, sharing, joy and candy. And, for many of us, it's is the unlucky time of the Secret Santa. You know, draw a name out of a hat, and buy them some crappy present for under $15 dollars. Most of us have done this at some point in our lives, and I don't know about you, but I always get the shaft. I remember once in elementary school, we did Secret Santa. I bought my person a hardcover book, and I got . . wait for it . . a tiny plastic horse. I didn't even like horses!! Clearly, this person spent all of $1.50 on me, and I spent at least $10 on them.

Fast forward many years later, and here I am again. The receiver of the worst Secret Santa gift, yet again. I watched everyone open their good gifts, that actually required some thought. For my trouble this year, I got two small stuffed dogs. I KNOW!! What is that about, you ask? No idea. So, I am here to help all of you suffering this year, with instructions on how to fake the right reaction to your horrible gift.

The first thing is to react quickly. Don't think about how shitty the gift is, and say something like "Oh, wow. Thank you so much. I love it." Try and avoid eye contact as much as possible. Look at the gift, and seem to study it, as if you're trying to examine all the greatness. Smile big, and maybe even (at least in my case) hug it close to you. That is all you need to make most people believe you are not super pissed about it. Some will not be fooled, but as long as the giver (if you can call them that) doesn't suspect, you're home free.

I call on all people to think when giving these gifts. I know it's a drag, but there is someone counting on you, and you don't want to let them down. And if all else fails, how about a GOD DAMNED GIFT CARD?!! How hard is that?

You Better Watch Out

2006-12-13T11:06:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas from The Onion.

You'll never see Santa the same after reading that.

Naturally

2006-12-13T06:26:00.000-08:00

As I have always suspected, while blondes may "have more fun", it's the redheads who are better in bed. All I have to say is, Naturally. According to recent studies, redheads rule between the sheets, more than their brunette and blonde sisters. Of course, I am not surprised by this, as I am a redhead.

Now, before my readership can protest, I am not a natural redhead. But, I have been red, in one form or another, since high school (and that was eons ago). And, despite a brief, and ill-advised foray into blonde world, I returned to my roots (god, this post is rife with puns) and was red once again. I have often said that if God had been thinking ahead, he could have saved me a lot of money by making me the redhead I am so clearly meant to be at birth. But, between me and my stylist, we right the cosmic wrong every 5 to 6 weeks.

So, thanks to those saucy Germans, now everyone knows what my man already knows. Naturally.

But, How? I mean, in what way?

2006-12-12T08:55:00.000-08:00

So, I've been doing this blog for a while now, and I really think it's fun. But, I have to admit, there is a part of me that was secretly hoping that some one would happen upon this blog, find it most fascinating, and just have to hire me to blog for their newspaper/magazine/other blog. So far, however, that has not happened. As a matter of fact, I'd like to give a shout out to my (approximate) readership of 5.

So, if anyone does happen upon this blog, and even if you don't think it's that great (I assure you I can do better) and knows how to get one of those gigs, let me know. Lord knows, the job I have now isn't breaking my bank. So, even if it's a crappy paying job, I would take it.

Take it from me, NO ONE knows more useless stuff than I, and no one has more copious and vocal opinions. Thank you for your time.

*Am I the only one who thinks it odd, that the blogger.com spell check does not recognize the word blog?

Shut the F*^k Up!!

2006-12-04T08:44:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'm not some overly-patriotic-flag-waving-Dixie-Chicks-hating-Toby-Keith wannabe, but I have had enough of celebrities and their bullshit. If it's not telling us all to vote, or give money for this or that, it is them telling us, more often than not, that we suck.

From Johnny Depp to Madonna to Gwyneth Paltrow, they all can't wait to tell us how stupid, boorish, illiterate, fat and starved for culture we are. Then, they want us all to rush out, buy their crappy records, watch their movies and televised concert appearances. They want us to be shocked by their "edgy" mock crucifixion, they want us to be impressed by their fake European accents. They, in short, want us to give them money. Well, I'm not buying it.

Gwyneth Paltrow is a piece of shit actress, and her and her whingey husband needs to (how shall I put this in terms they will understand) sod off!! God, they are so right, the British are so charming!! I love how Johnny Depp can forget all about 21 Jump Street and Madonna disowns Desperately Seeking Susan, and little Gwynee. I'm sure her shilling for Estee Lauder has nothing to do with the capitalist goal of making money.

But, there is an easy solution. Just don't look. Stop buying their crap. Eventually, maybe they will go to England and stay there. Stay in the cultural haven that brought the world Victoria Beckham and Benny Hill. When will we butt-scratching, beer-swilling Americans learn to appreciate the fine example set by British soccer hooligans and the Gallagher brothers?

That England, class all the way!!

Titty Barred

2006-11-20T09:51:00.001-08:00

I have read so much lately about the hubbub over public breastfeeding. There was the outrage over an exposed breast on the cover of a parenting magazine in a doctor's office. And, more recently, a woman thrown off a plane for refusing to cover herself with a blanket while breastfeeding.

My problem with all this is: why is it that breasts can sell any thing is the world, from cars to McDonalds. But, we can't tolerate the sight of what a breast was actually made to do. Contrary to popular opinion, breasts don't exist to be ogled. They don't exist to be squished together and hiked up in order to fit into the narrow, ridiculous male fantasy world. We have no trouble having our children walk through book stores, grocery stores, and other places that sell periodicals, and see Pamela Anderson's gigantic breasts on a magazine cover. But, put a child nursing on that breast, and all bets are off. Little Johnny, or big Johnny for that matter can't handle it. Neither can other women, come to that. It's gross, it's disgusting, it's rude.

You know what I think it rude? Back hair, body odor, exposed butt crack, exposed thongs, jelly rolls hanging out of ill-fitting tube tops and grabbing and scratching at your crotch in public. But, believe me, if anyone were thrown out of establishments, or off planes for those offenses, we'd never hear the end of it.

Let it go, people. Boobs are meant to be used to feed babies. That is a fact. If you don't like it, don't look. And, while I don't advocate throwing your tit on the table at a restaurant, if someone is being discrete about it, mind your own fucking business.

Everybody in the Club Get Random

2006-11-17T14:25:00.000-08:00

Here are a few random things:

Go here for the THE BEST WEBSITE EVER!!

Greazy and I are on the radio tonight, at 11pm eastern time.

There is nothing funnier than the Onion's sports headlines.

That is all. Have a pleasant weekend.

Seriously. . .

2006-11-06T11:39:00.000-08:00

To all my peeps out there:

NO matter which way you lean, or which one you think is right, just vote tomorrow. Vote with your head and your heart. But, just vote.

*If possible, if you live in PA, could you vote against Rick Santorum. I hate that guy*

Co-Worker-isms

2006-11-01T11:09:00.000-08:00

There is a feature on Slate where they compile the crazy things President Bush says, and call them Bushisms.

So, my co-workers say some dumb shit sometimes, so I've compiled a few gems, and thought I'd share with you.

"Something's happening somewhere out there."
--co-workers proclamation about the day, after looking out the window

"Maybe we could unplug it for an hour and then turn it back on."
--a suggestion on how to fix a time difference on a credit card machine

"Are they going to give us money so we can throw our own party?"
--upon hearing that the holiday party was cancelled due to budget concerns

"The memo says the whole system is down, is your computer working?"
--I can't even explain this one

"I can't remember, I wrote it down, but I don't know what I did with the reminder."
--again, no explanation

These are just a few of the idiotic things I listen to everyday, feel free to share yours.