You Know?

It is amazing how the littlest thing can catch your ear or your eye, and you can't stop focusing on it, no matter how hard you try. I was recently forced to attend a useless training seminar at work. And, the presenter, had a verbal tick that threatened to drive me to madness. It was, You Know. Not the declarative, the question. Example? "We need to have these things in place, you know, because, you know it is the whole purpose of our business, you know." It was the most hellish two hours of my life.

I have no problem public speaking, and when I do, I have tried to make my speech patterns free of what I call verbal garbage. The ums, uhs, likes, whatevers and such are reserved for more colloquial speech. But, if I have to be on the radio, or talk to a group of co-workers, it is all business. This woman, who is very high up in my company said "You Know" over 200 times in 2 hours. That is crazy. Sometimes she wouldn't even finishing saying it, before she would start saying it again. That has to take a lot of talent.

I was completely lost on the message, because I was ticking off on a piece of paper every time those words left her lips. Even though I was warned of this behavior before the presentation began, I just couldn't focus on anything else. It makes you wonder how no one has ever approached her and said, "Hey, that is really annoying and unprofessional, please stop." You know?

Football Fantasy

Much has been made of the Peyton Manning/Tom Brady rivalry in football. So many articles have been written, so many shows dedicated to figuring it all out. Who is the better quarterback? Who will have the greater legacy upon retirement? Does the postseason play of Tom Brady trump the regular season play of Peyton Manning, when it comes to the definition of success? Who knows, and more importantly who cares? I wouldn't kick either of them out of bed for eating crackers, but the real question to me is: Who is hotter? Let's break it down shall we?

LOOKS: Now, some may say Brady is the more handsome QB, but I don't necessarily agree. Sure, chin dimples and model girlfriends are nice, but they are not everything. Peyton may not be man-model hot, but he is still really cute. Besides, sometimes a guy can be too pretty.
EDGE: Brady

STATS: And, I'm not talking football stats here, ladies. Peyton enjoys the slight height and weight advantage over Tom, and is one year older. But, let's face it, in those pants, we can all see what really matters. The butt. And, while both are of the quarter-bouncing variety, Peyton's seems a little better. Plus, he rocks the whole hot bod in that Gatorade commercial. (I still say the shirt was unnecessary)
EDGE: Manning

PERSONALITY/BRAINS: Some would argue that this category is unimportant. And, they may be right. But, I include it anyway, because I like a guy who can talk. Peyton got a bachelors degree in 3 years, has a Master's and was Phi Beta Kappa at Tennessee. Brady went to Michigan. As far as personality goes, I don't know either one of them, so I can only go by what I see on television. And, quite simply, Peyton is way funnier in his commercials than Brady is in his. EDGE: Manning

MARITAL STATUS: This one is pretty straight forward. Brady is single, Manning is not. Are you into available guys, or do you like to torture yourself lusting after those who are already taken. I like both, but let's face it, if there is even the slightest, teeny tiny chance of it happening, it makes it that much better.
EDGE: Brady

THE BACON: Now some may argue that a millionaire is a millionaire, and after a certain point, it doesn't matter anymore. Right, sure, okay. The guy who said that was probably not the highest paid player in NFL history. EDGE: Manning

INTANGIBLES: In sports, much is made of having "it." Whatever it is. Well, for me this one is also simple. It's really all a matter of personal taste. After all, this is my blog, and none of this means anything.
EDGE: Manning

So there you have it. Clearly Peyton is hotter. Sorry Tom, I guess you'll have to comfort yourself with your supermodels and stacks of cash. Hopefully, you'll muddle through. As for you, Peyton. Call me. There is always room on the Top 5 list.

Idol Threats

In the interest of full disclosure, I must admit that I am a Kelly Clarkson fan. I wasn't at first, but I am now. But, that fact not withstanding, I find American Idol repugnant in every way. From the shameless plants during the "audition" phase, to the lack of originality in the judges comments, to the final product which can only be described as a steaming pile of crap.

Granted, I don't watch the show, but I've seen enough pieces of it, and heard enough about it to get the idea. America decides who is the best singer. Clearly they have done a bang up job so far. Reuben? Clay? Fantasia? You mean to tell me that in season 1, Justin was the 2nd best person in the contest? Whatever. Stop telling me how compelling and great the show is. Stop trying to convince me that the "feud" between judges is real. Stop appearing on magazine covers. Most of all, stop trying to force feed us these watered-down pop candy wannabes. If you are interested in real talent, that is fine. But, we all know that is not the case.

Just don't look, maybe it will go away.

New Year, New Top 5

Oh, what the hell? Why not? It's a brand new year, and I feel it's time for some upgrades to the top 5 list. These decisions are never easy, but sometimes change is good. And, let's face it, it's always nice to get some new blood on the list, just to shake things up. So, here we are:

1. Henry Rollins - I just don't think this one can change any time soon. Maybe if he would do something really awful, like Paris Hilton.

2. Liev Schreiber - What can I say about this guy but, Oh. My. God. Love him. Coming to one of my favorite shows, CSI. Made a Ben Affleck film bearable to watch, and well, he's adorable.

3. Ioan Gruffudd - Here is a newbie, and a hottie. I can totally blame this one on my husband. See, he's into naval history, and made me watch a bunch of made-for-TV movies, called Horatio Hornblower. And, you guessed it, he was Horatio. Also appeared in Titanic and Fantastic Four, but I won't hold that against him.

4. Justin Theroux - Thoroughly delicious, loved him on Six Feet Under, and Strangers with Candy. He is brilliant and lovely.

5. Chris Garver - From Miami Ink. Love his work. I would let him tattoo me anytime. Smart, funny, and my god, is he ever a cutie.

So, there you go. Some new crushes, for my new year. Now, to find them, stalk them and make it happen.

The Best Christmas Ever

There was a time, long ago, before I was the happy married person I am now, where I dated a few losers. This one particular loser and I were in the throes of a terrible relationship, fraught with peril and ridiculousness. Despite this, we were at the mall one day, and he decided he wanted to buy me a ring. No, not that kind of ring. A crappy, department store ring. So, we went and he picked this garnet ring with a gold band for me. I wore it for a while, but soon the relationship was crashing down, and it was time to bail out.

Like any smart woman, with a crazy man she wants to get rid of, I broke up with him over the phone (on Thanksgiving). After the break, I returned to college, and went to his apartment, to retrieve the few things I had left there. He ran home to his mommy, with the cat he bought me. I was getting my things, when I noticed a yellow piece of paper on his entertainment center, next to where I put my keys. It was the receipt for the ring. I stood there for a moment, and then I took it and put it in my pocket. As I left that apartment for the last time, I knew what I had to do.

The next day, I went to the department store, and returned that ring. He had paid cash, you see. And, despite the sales lady's reluctance, I got a cash refund, not store credit. After that, I went and bought my family Christmas presents with the money, and even picked up something for myself. I returned to campus, and couldn't wait to tell everyone about it.

Through the years, I have told this story many times, to many people. And, though I have had more spectacular Christmas moments since then, it still remains the BEST Christmas ever.

I Can Stop Any Time I Want To

I must admit, that I am somewhat addicted to my iPod. I often look at people strangely when they are talking about new songs on the radio. The only radio I am exposed to is the horrible crap I am forced to listen to at work. Soft rock and the like. When I am in my car, or working out, or on my computer, it is all iPod, all the time.

But, I find myself wanting more. Apparently, I am not alone. The new sleek and small iPods, make my 4th generation 40 gig iPod feel like a dinosaur. When I listen to it while I walk, I feel like everyone else has on a Walkman, and I am carrying the boom box on my shoulder. I must admit, that little Shuffle, or even a Nano would be much less cumbersome for working out and the like. Plus, they come in fun colors, and the Shuffle just clips to you, like a pen. Then, I could get a new, bigger memory iPod for home listening, and use Otis (the O.G. iPod) for the car. That would be perfect.

But, it does feel somewhat wasteful. To want another iPod. But, is it really? Isn't just like having more than one radio, or television at this point? For some reason, having so many iPods seems different. But, for someone like me, with so much music, breaking it into different sets would be great. Ah, to be independently wealthy, and be able to have as many as I wanted.

Or, if Santa needs any last minute ideas, the Shuffle would be great. Thanks.

You REALLY Shouldn't Have

It's that time of year again. The time of giving, sharing, joy and candy. And, for many of us, it's is the unlucky time of the Secret Santa. You know, draw a name out of a hat, and buy them some crappy present for under $15 dollars. Most of us have done this at some point in our lives, and I don't know about you, but I always get the shaft. I remember once in elementary school, we did Secret Santa. I bought my person a hardcover book, and I got . . wait for it . . a tiny plastic horse. I didn't even like horses!! Clearly, this person spent all of $1.50 on me, and I spent at least $10 on them.

Fast forward many years later, and here I am again. The receiver of the worst Secret Santa gift, yet again. I watched everyone open their good gifts, that actually required some thought. For my trouble this year, I got two small stuffed dogs. I KNOW!! What is that about, you ask? No idea. So, I am here to help all of you suffering this year, with instructions on how to fake the right reaction to your horrible gift.

The first thing is to react quickly. Don't think about how shitty the gift is, and say something like "Oh, wow. Thank you so much. I love it." Try and avoid eye contact as much as possible. Look at the gift, and seem to study it, as if you're trying to examine all the greatness. Smile big, and maybe even (at least in my case) hug it close to you. That is all you need to make most people believe you are not super pissed about it. Some will not be fooled, but as long as the giver (if you can call them that) doesn't suspect, you're home free.

I call on all people to think when giving these gifts. I know it's a drag, but there is someone counting on you, and you don't want to let them down. And if all else fails, how about a GOD DAMNED GIFT CARD?!! How hard is that?

You Better Watch Out

Merry Christmas from The Onion.

You'll never see Santa the same after reading that.

Naturally

As I have always suspected, while blondes may "have more fun", it's the redheads who are better in bed. All I have to say is, Naturally. According to recent studies, redheads rule between the sheets, more than their brunette and blonde sisters. Of course, I am not surprised by this, as I am a redhead.

Now, before my readership can protest, I am not a natural redhead. But, I have been red, in one form or another, since high school (and that was eons ago). And, despite a brief, and ill-advised foray into blonde world, I returned to my roots (god, this post is rife with puns) and was red once again. I have often said that if God had been thinking ahead, he could have saved me a lot of money by making me the redhead I am so clearly meant to be at birth. But, between me and my stylist, we right the cosmic wrong every 5 to 6 weeks.

So, thanks to those saucy Germans, now everyone knows what my man already knows. Naturally.

But, How? I mean, in what way?

So, I've been doing this blog for a while now, and I really think it's fun. But, I have to admit, there is a part of me that was secretly hoping that some one would happen upon this blog, find it most fascinating, and just have to hire me to blog for their newspaper/magazine/other blog. So far, however, that has not happened. As a matter of fact, I'd like to give a shout out to my (approximate) readership of 5.

So, if anyone does happen upon this blog, and even if you don't think it's that great (I assure you I can do better) and knows how to get one of those gigs, let me know. Lord knows, the job I have now isn't breaking my bank. So, even if it's a crappy paying job, I would take it.

Take it from me, NO ONE knows more useless stuff than I, and no one has more copious and vocal opinions. Thank you for your time.

*Am I the only one who thinks it odd, that the blogger.com spell check does not recognize the word blog?

Shut the F*^k Up!!

Okay, I'm not some overly-patriotic-flag-waving-Dixie-Chicks-hating-Toby-Keith wannabe, but I have had enough of celebrities and their bullshit. If it's not telling us all to vote, or give money for this or that, it is them telling us, more often than not, that we suck.

From Johnny Depp to Madonna to Gwyneth Paltrow, they all can't wait to tell us how stupid, boorish, illiterate, fat and starved for culture we are. Then, they want us all to rush out, buy their crappy records, watch their movies and televised concert appearances. They want us to be shocked by their "edgy" mock crucifixion, they want us to be impressed by their fake European accents. They, in short, want us to give them money. Well, I'm not buying it.

Gwyneth Paltrow is a piece of shit actress, and her and her whingey husband needs to (how shall I put this in terms they will understand) sod off!! God, they are so right, the British are so charming!! I love how Johnny Depp can forget all about 21 Jump Street and Madonna disowns Desperately Seeking Susan, and little Gwynee. I'm sure her shilling for Estee Lauder has nothing to do with the capitalist goal of making money.

But, there is an easy solution. Just don't look. Stop buying their crap. Eventually, maybe they will go to England and stay there. Stay in the cultural haven that brought the world Victoria Beckham and Benny Hill. When will we butt-scratching, beer-swilling Americans learn to appreciate the fine example set by British soccer hooligans and the Gallagher brothers?

That England, class all the way!!

Titty Barred

I have read so much lately about the hubbub over public breastfeeding. There was the outrage over an exposed breast on the cover of a parenting magazine in a doctor's office. And, more recently, a woman thrown off a plane for refusing to cover herself with a blanket while breastfeeding.

My problem with all this is: why is it that breasts can sell any thing is the world, from cars to McDonalds. But, we can't tolerate the sight of what a breast was actually made to do. Contrary to popular opinion, breasts don't exist to be ogled. They don't exist to be squished together and hiked up in order to fit into the narrow, ridiculous male fantasy world. We have no trouble having our children walk through book stores, grocery stores, and other places that sell periodicals, and see Pamela Anderson's gigantic breasts on a magazine cover. But, put a child nursing on that breast, and all bets are off. Little Johnny, or big Johnny for that matter can't handle it. Neither can other women, come to that. It's gross, it's disgusting, it's rude.

You know what I think it rude? Back hair, body odor, exposed butt crack, exposed thongs, jelly rolls hanging out of ill-fitting tube tops and grabbing and scratching at your crotch in public. But, believe me, if anyone were thrown out of establishments, or off planes for those offenses, we'd never hear the end of it.

Let it go, people. Boobs are meant to be used to feed babies. That is a fact. If you don't like it, don't look. And, while I don't advocate throwing your tit on the table at a restaurant, if someone is being discrete about it, mind your own fucking business.

Everybody in the Club Get Random

Here are a few random things:

Go here for the THE BEST WEBSITE EVER!!

Greazy and I are on the radio tonight, at 11pm eastern time.

There is nothing funnier than the Onion's sports headlines.



That is all. Have a pleasant weekend.

Seriously. . .

To all my peeps out there:

NO matter which way you lean, or which one you think is right, just vote tomorrow. Vote with your head and your heart. But, just vote.

*If possible, if you live in PA, could you vote against Rick Santorum. I hate that guy*

Co-Worker-isms

There is a feature on Slate where they compile the crazy things President Bush says, and call them Bushisms.

So, my co-workers say some dumb shit sometimes, so I've compiled a few gems, and thought I'd share with you.

"Something's happening somewhere out there."
--co-workers proclamation about the day, after looking out the window

"Maybe we could unplug it for an hour and then turn it back on."
--a suggestion on how to fix a time difference on a credit card machine

"Are they going to give us money so we can throw our own party?"
--upon hearing that the holiday party was cancelled due to budget concerns

"The memo says the whole system is down, is your computer working?"
--I can't even explain this one

"I can't remember, I wrote it down, but I don't know what I did with the reminder."
--again, no explanation


These are just a few of the idiotic things I listen to everyday, feel free to share yours.

You know, that movie with that guy. . .

We all have that friend who is the go-to person when you need to know useless stuff. Like , who played Fish on Barney Miller, or what Bond Movie George Lazenby was in. (Abe Vigoda and On Her Majesty's Secret Service, by the way). As you can probably imagine from that first part, I am that person for everyone I know.

Now, I know I have no one to blame but myself. I do know a lot of crap. I watch a lot of television and movies and listen to tons of music. But, it really does go beyond that. I also seem to have the power to retain more of this pop culture detritus than most. I have memorized the entire movie Clue, just by watching it a billion times. And, I mean all of it, stage directions, music, gestures, and the dialogue. I clearly have a problem. But, I can't help it. It's what I like, and I do have a lot of fun with it. But, as with everything else, there is a flip side.

It gets old having to constantly finish other people's thoughts and fill in the blanks of who and what and when. It stops a conversation dead in it's tracks and then I have to scan my brain for the correct item, before we can move on. I don't think people know how maddening it is to not be able to think of something, and be forced to focus on it until you do. Many a night has been spent pondering a useless trivia item, only to have it bubble up in my brain the next day. And, when you exclaim, "Tom Selleck" at work, for no reason, they tend to think your crazy. It used to be much easier to recall all these things, but as I have become older, the river flows a little slower, if you know what I mean.

But, I suppose if this is my cross to bear, it's isn't a bad one. I always feel needed, and it is fun to quote movies and such. But, I ask that every now and again, you give me a break. I can't be the only one who knows this stuff. When all else fails, look on wikipedia if you need to know right now, I'm a little busy.

Me Too

Does this baby go with my bag?

Well, it's official. Having a baby has now become the perfect accessory for every rich-yet-empty-inside celebrity. You know it's reached a critical mass when Madonna is on board. Although, I have to say the Material Girl is a little late to the party on this one. Sharon Stone, Meg Ryan, Calista Flockhart (for god's sakes), all beat her to the punch. And, of course, there is the O.G. of third world adoption, Angelina Jolie.

When she's not busy telling the "West" how terrible they are, she's busy making films where she and Brad Pitt beat each other senseless and then have sex. It's hard to remember the fact that this is the same person who was draped all over Billy Bob Thornton like a cheap suit and wore his blood around her neck. Then, she goes to Cambodia and is reborn the official Hollywood money-guilt poster child.

I'm not saying that adoption, of any kind, is bad. But, there are thousands of childless people in this country who would kill for the opportunity these celebrities have to "ease" the process of adoption. And, be able to get a baby as easy as they get the new Prada bag. The average couple in this country takes years to get a baby through adoption. Years. They have to be scrutinized, monitored, checked up on and put through the ringer. And, of course, in most cases, they have to pay. A lot. And, let's not even mention what happens to those who are not well off, connected, or heterosexual and happily married.

I love that Brad and Angelina take a stand on marriage. "We will not marry until everyone legally can." But, they seem to have no problem using their wealth and prestige to secure entire nations to give birth in, or to pick up yet another multi-cultural accessory for their next magazine spread. Where is there outrage at the adoption bureaucracy and the difficulty helping these children find better lives?

I am thankful that there are wealthy people who see people suffering and want to help. But, it is preposterous to sit up on high now that you are "enlightened" and judge the rest of us. Some of us could never imagine doing what you do, because the plain truth is, we don't have the money to "buy" our next baby. Some of us have to struggle just to get by at all. So, don't presume to tell us anything. They clearly live in a fantasy world, and for people like Angelina, have done so her whole life. Money and power should be used for good, but don't expect a cookie because you suddenly decided to be "selfless." And, Madonna, sweetie, I think the last thing these people need is Kabbalah. They need food.

So, search on for meaning in your lives through cult-like religions, ethnically diverse broods, and more crappy films/albums/books/et. al. Just keep your self righteousness to yourself. Or, be like Clooney and save it for your next acceptance speech.

Just Stop It!

I put up with a lot of stupid crap all day long. I am forced to suffer it all with a smile, while the "people" that I deal with act as if they are normal. Well, I am here to debunk some myths about what you should and shouldn't do at a bank. For some reason people have it in their heads that the below listed items are okay, and they are not. Take it from me. And, STOP IT!! (in no particular order)

*You are not special, and neither is your money. Unless you are the Monopoly guy walking in with your bags o' cash and the dog and tiny shoe, it is mere drop in the bucket. So, stop expecting to be treated like Donald Trump.

*If you hand me something that says Checking Deposit, trust that I understand that it means you want your money deposited into your checking account. I'm not an idiot. I can read. I might even get it right without your help.

*Don't walk up to the window, without first going through the freakin' ropes. I know it's stupid and no, it's not a ride. But they are there because the one teller you see and want to walk up to, doesn't want to have to wait on everyone. It's called a line, wait in it.

*Which brings me to a big one. Don't just start walking up to the window, without being beckoned. I see you, I'll get to you, don't presume that I am ready for you. Just wait until someone says "May I help you." I know it sounds petty, but how do you feel when people walk up to you at work, unannounced, and just stand in front of you, when you are clearly busy?

*Just give me the damn driver's license already!! I don't care if God himself knew you when he was a teller at this bank, I need to see it. God isn't here to vouch for you anymore. He left after the last take-over

*If you have two arms and most of your digits, fill out your own slips. I'm not a personal transcriptionist. And, you don't need to memorize your account number to have it on a bloody piece of paper. I certainly don't know it better than you do.

*Don't expect me to laugh at your "jokes" that I've heard 100,000 times. When I ask you how you want your money, answering green or spendable is not funny. Never was, never will be. And, I don't want to talk about the weather, so don't even go there.

*When coming to the drive thru, be ready. I'm not there to wait for you to fill out slips, get out your money and i.d., and all that. You have the power to stop and do all that before you pull up. And, when the sign says three items, it means it. Plus, the drive-thru is not the place to take out a second mortgage on your house. Come in the damn bank already.

So, there is just a smattering of things you shouldn't do at a bank. I could go on all day, and frequently do. But, I think this is a good start.

Death of a Salesman

I was never a big Tower Records shopper, as there were none in my area. But, I was still kind of shocked to hear that they were going out of business. Sure, the tiny independent record stores are dropping like flies. But, Tower Records always seemed like they would stick around.

But, it has started yet another round of "the decline of the music industry as we know it." No one is buying records at the big chain store, so they have to close up shop and go home. Let's all cry a little tear for them, shall we?

I am an admitted music stealer, iPod user and an unapologetic rejector of the notion of buying a crap album at $17.99 per unit. If I like one song, I buy one song. I don't need to buy the record so I can hear the entire "concept" of your album. It was streaming on myspace, AOL, or some other venue and I heard every crappy word. And, if it wasn't, I can listen to it at my nearest Borders. So, to Metallica, Kid Rock and everyone else who thinks their music must be enjoyed 12-15 songs at a time, I say this. You. Are. Wrong. Sorry, but that is a fact, and it is not going to change.

Back in the day, when cassettes ruled, we all had mix tapes. We made them for friends, we shared them and yes, we stole songs from the radio. So, the technology has improved and digital music rules the day. I trust all those mix tape people have sent the artists their money for stealing back then. Of course not. But, now the music biz has to fight for every cent. Could it be that albums sales are down not only because people are buying on iTunes, but because it's just not worth it? Mainstream music just sucks. Sorry.

I know, I know, stealing is wrong. But, so much of the music that is out there today is wrong too. Extremely wrong. And, can someone tell me why I can buy DVD's at the supermarket for $4, but I am still paying $15-$17 for an album that came out in the early 90's? It just doesn't make sense (didn't feel the need for the pun there). Music shouldn't cost so much. Bottom line. It just shouldn't. And, until someone can justify it to me, I'm not going to pay it. I buy mainstream CD's by trading in old CD's. It the ultimate recycling. And, if there is a small band I like, I buy the record, for several reasons. One, because they need my money more than Janet Jackson does. And, because I can feel superior for liking better music and because I am a snob. The day I plunk down any money for Nickleback is the day you are prying my Fugazi records out of my cold, dead hands.

So, I don't really mourn the passing of yet another big time record store. I just wish that there was a decent mom-and-pop shop within 50 miles of where I live. Because I would rather support them than a Tower any day. That being said, I'm not above pilliaging a good going-out-of-business sale. Finally, CD's at normal prices. Isn't it ironic? Don't you think?