You know, that movie with that guy. . .

We all have that friend who is the go-to person when you need to know useless stuff. Like , who played Fish on Barney Miller, or what Bond Movie George Lazenby was in. (Abe Vigoda and On Her Majesty's Secret Service, by the way). As you can probably imagine from that first part, I am that person for everyone I know.

Now, I know I have no one to blame but myself. I do know a lot of crap. I watch a lot of television and movies and listen to tons of music. But, it really does go beyond that. I also seem to have the power to retain more of this pop culture detritus than most. I have memorized the entire movie Clue, just by watching it a billion times. And, I mean all of it, stage directions, music, gestures, and the dialogue. I clearly have a problem. But, I can't help it. It's what I like, and I do have a lot of fun with it. But, as with everything else, there is a flip side.

It gets old having to constantly finish other people's thoughts and fill in the blanks of who and what and when. It stops a conversation dead in it's tracks and then I have to scan my brain for the correct item, before we can move on. I don't think people know how maddening it is to not be able to think of something, and be forced to focus on it until you do. Many a night has been spent pondering a useless trivia item, only to have it bubble up in my brain the next day. And, when you exclaim, "Tom Selleck" at work, for no reason, they tend to think your crazy. It used to be much easier to recall all these things, but as I have become older, the river flows a little slower, if you know what I mean.

But, I suppose if this is my cross to bear, it's isn't a bad one. I always feel needed, and it is fun to quote movies and such. But, I ask that every now and again, you give me a break. I can't be the only one who knows this stuff. When all else fails, look on wikipedia if you need to know right now, I'm a little busy.

Me Too

Does this baby go with my bag?

Well, it's official. Having a baby has now become the perfect accessory for every rich-yet-empty-inside celebrity. You know it's reached a critical mass when Madonna is on board. Although, I have to say the Material Girl is a little late to the party on this one. Sharon Stone, Meg Ryan, Calista Flockhart (for god's sakes), all beat her to the punch. And, of course, there is the O.G. of third world adoption, Angelina Jolie.

When she's not busy telling the "West" how terrible they are, she's busy making films where she and Brad Pitt beat each other senseless and then have sex. It's hard to remember the fact that this is the same person who was draped all over Billy Bob Thornton like a cheap suit and wore his blood around her neck. Then, she goes to Cambodia and is reborn the official Hollywood money-guilt poster child.

I'm not saying that adoption, of any kind, is bad. But, there are thousands of childless people in this country who would kill for the opportunity these celebrities have to "ease" the process of adoption. And, be able to get a baby as easy as they get the new Prada bag. The average couple in this country takes years to get a baby through adoption. Years. They have to be scrutinized, monitored, checked up on and put through the ringer. And, of course, in most cases, they have to pay. A lot. And, let's not even mention what happens to those who are not well off, connected, or heterosexual and happily married.

I love that Brad and Angelina take a stand on marriage. "We will not marry until everyone legally can." But, they seem to have no problem using their wealth and prestige to secure entire nations to give birth in, or to pick up yet another multi-cultural accessory for their next magazine spread. Where is there outrage at the adoption bureaucracy and the difficulty helping these children find better lives?

I am thankful that there are wealthy people who see people suffering and want to help. But, it is preposterous to sit up on high now that you are "enlightened" and judge the rest of us. Some of us could never imagine doing what you do, because the plain truth is, we don't have the money to "buy" our next baby. Some of us have to struggle just to get by at all. So, don't presume to tell us anything. They clearly live in a fantasy world, and for people like Angelina, have done so her whole life. Money and power should be used for good, but don't expect a cookie because you suddenly decided to be "selfless." And, Madonna, sweetie, I think the last thing these people need is Kabbalah. They need food.

So, search on for meaning in your lives through cult-like religions, ethnically diverse broods, and more crappy films/albums/books/et. al. Just keep your self righteousness to yourself. Or, be like Clooney and save it for your next acceptance speech.

Just Stop It!

I put up with a lot of stupid crap all day long. I am forced to suffer it all with a smile, while the "people" that I deal with act as if they are normal. Well, I am here to debunk some myths about what you should and shouldn't do at a bank. For some reason people have it in their heads that the below listed items are okay, and they are not. Take it from me. And, STOP IT!! (in no particular order)

*You are not special, and neither is your money. Unless you are the Monopoly guy walking in with your bags o' cash and the dog and tiny shoe, it is mere drop in the bucket. So, stop expecting to be treated like Donald Trump.

*If you hand me something that says Checking Deposit, trust that I understand that it means you want your money deposited into your checking account. I'm not an idiot. I can read. I might even get it right without your help.

*Don't walk up to the window, without first going through the freakin' ropes. I know it's stupid and no, it's not a ride. But they are there because the one teller you see and want to walk up to, doesn't want to have to wait on everyone. It's called a line, wait in it.

*Which brings me to a big one. Don't just start walking up to the window, without being beckoned. I see you, I'll get to you, don't presume that I am ready for you. Just wait until someone says "May I help you." I know it sounds petty, but how do you feel when people walk up to you at work, unannounced, and just stand in front of you, when you are clearly busy?

*Just give me the damn driver's license already!! I don't care if God himself knew you when he was a teller at this bank, I need to see it. God isn't here to vouch for you anymore. He left after the last take-over

*If you have two arms and most of your digits, fill out your own slips. I'm not a personal transcriptionist. And, you don't need to memorize your account number to have it on a bloody piece of paper. I certainly don't know it better than you do.

*Don't expect me to laugh at your "jokes" that I've heard 100,000 times. When I ask you how you want your money, answering green or spendable is not funny. Never was, never will be. And, I don't want to talk about the weather, so don't even go there.

*When coming to the drive thru, be ready. I'm not there to wait for you to fill out slips, get out your money and i.d., and all that. You have the power to stop and do all that before you pull up. And, when the sign says three items, it means it. Plus, the drive-thru is not the place to take out a second mortgage on your house. Come in the damn bank already.

So, there is just a smattering of things you shouldn't do at a bank. I could go on all day, and frequently do. But, I think this is a good start.

Death of a Salesman

I was never a big Tower Records shopper, as there were none in my area. But, I was still kind of shocked to hear that they were going out of business. Sure, the tiny independent record stores are dropping like flies. But, Tower Records always seemed like they would stick around.

But, it has started yet another round of "the decline of the music industry as we know it." No one is buying records at the big chain store, so they have to close up shop and go home. Let's all cry a little tear for them, shall we?

I am an admitted music stealer, iPod user and an unapologetic rejector of the notion of buying a crap album at $17.99 per unit. If I like one song, I buy one song. I don't need to buy the record so I can hear the entire "concept" of your album. It was streaming on myspace, AOL, or some other venue and I heard every crappy word. And, if it wasn't, I can listen to it at my nearest Borders. So, to Metallica, Kid Rock and everyone else who thinks their music must be enjoyed 12-15 songs at a time, I say this. You. Are. Wrong. Sorry, but that is a fact, and it is not going to change.

Back in the day, when cassettes ruled, we all had mix tapes. We made them for friends, we shared them and yes, we stole songs from the radio. So, the technology has improved and digital music rules the day. I trust all those mix tape people have sent the artists their money for stealing back then. Of course not. But, now the music biz has to fight for every cent. Could it be that albums sales are down not only because people are buying on iTunes, but because it's just not worth it? Mainstream music just sucks. Sorry.

I know, I know, stealing is wrong. But, so much of the music that is out there today is wrong too. Extremely wrong. And, can someone tell me why I can buy DVD's at the supermarket for $4, but I am still paying $15-$17 for an album that came out in the early 90's? It just doesn't make sense (didn't feel the need for the pun there). Music shouldn't cost so much. Bottom line. It just shouldn't. And, until someone can justify it to me, I'm not going to pay it. I buy mainstream CD's by trading in old CD's. It the ultimate recycling. And, if there is a small band I like, I buy the record, for several reasons. One, because they need my money more than Janet Jackson does. And, because I can feel superior for liking better music and because I am a snob. The day I plunk down any money for Nickleback is the day you are prying my Fugazi records out of my cold, dead hands.

So, I don't really mourn the passing of yet another big time record store. I just wish that there was a decent mom-and-pop shop within 50 miles of where I live. Because I would rather support them than a Tower any day. That being said, I'm not above pilliaging a good going-out-of-business sale. Finally, CD's at normal prices. Isn't it ironic? Don't you think?

We Take All Kinds of Pills . . .

So, thanks to an un-checked box on the Ticketmaster website, I am now a proud owner of a free year-long subscription to Rolling Stone magazine. The last time I subscribed, it was around 1992-1994. Back when I actually cared about the people they would put on the cover. Now, well, the last three Rolling Stone covers that I have seen were Jack Nicholson, a wet Justin Timberlake and, the one I have been lucky enough to get, Fergie. You know how I just love her.

It is funny to me how irrelevant Rolling Stone seems now. Sure, they still have some decent articles, mostly current event type stuff. But, the record reviews and the bands they feature, well, they pretty much suck. They gave the new Evanescence (sp? I don't care to look it up) record 3 and 1/2 stars. They gave Paris Hilton 3 stars. And, I can't wait to hear all about Fergie and her meth addiction. Who cares if the talentless have problems? I'm sure they do. But, let's not encourage them to share. Is there really anyone out there who wants to know? The only question I want the answer to is how many people did she bone to get so famous?

But, you can't blame Rolling Stone completely. To be fair, the record industry has offered up little in the way of (what I would consider) decent music. When a product is shit, but by comparison is less shitty than some others, I guess a good review is relative. You can't talk about great mainstream bands putting out great records when, by and large, they aren't. And, if they are, you can read about them in other places besides RS. Magazines that I would actually listen to when they recommend something.

When you consider how much the music industry has changed, it seems odd to me that RS would remain so much the same. Bands have come and gone, movements in music have shifted and been resurrected, and icons have died and found new life in a new generation. And, yet, RS are still churning out issues that bear a startling resemblance to the ones I read over 10 years ago. Not much seems to have changed. Except my interest in what they tell me is cool.

You know, the recording industry is wondering why no one is buying. Look no further than the crap that is "popular" enough to be mainstream worthy (according to RS). It's amazing to me that anyone is buying this shit at all. But, that's another post for another day.

How Pimped is too Pimped?

I was home sick from work the last two days, and I got the chance to catch some great daytime television I usually miss. I hadn't seen "Pimp my Ride" on MTV in a while. I used to love that show, where they'd take your hooptie, and make it well, a really updated hooptie. But, I'm starting to think they've gone too far.

The boy on the show had a crap-ass Suburban, and so they "pimped" it, and now instead of a back seat, he has a 6000 watt stereo and speaker system. They also put 7'' monitors on his mudflaps. MUDFLAPS? Who the fuck is going to lay on the ground behind your car and watch a dvd? He loved to snowboard, so they gave him a roof rack for the snowboards (since there was no more trunk space) and don't worry, they gave him a snowboard, with a 7'' monitor on it. So when this kid is cruising down the mountain watching a dvd on his snowboard, he can break his neck in style. By the most arbitrary and stupid thing was making his car, make snow. Sort of. It was more of a light drizzle of frozen flakes.

What's next? "We know how much you love eggs, so we put an omelet station is the back!" "Dude, we put 7'' monitors under the hood, so the engine can watch the dvd with you!!" I'm all for useless gadgets courtesy of MTV, but this is beyond useless. At least give me something I can use, like a Dr. Pepper fountain or an iPod that is voice activated and I can tell it what song to play. Hmmm, maybe I should call MTV. Lord knows the Focus could use some work . . .