Tour of Duty

What's worse than going to a job you hate? Having to not go the job you hate, in order to go to jury duty. That is the fate that has befallen me, come this May. I must go and report to the courthouse, bright and early, in order to (maybe) perform my civic duty.

I worry about my ability to actually serve on a jury. Not just because it seems like a tedious, time sucking waste. But, if I am selected, you have to sit in a court room, and listen to boring lawyers and witnesses. And, they expect you to pay attention. So much so that you can render a verdict. I am prone to spacing out, sometimes for many minutes at a time. I can just see this happening in the middle of some important testimony, and I miss the crux of the case. Then, when we are back in the jury room, some other person will turn to me and say, "What do you think?" And, I won't have a clue. This is our legal system. In the hands of ADHD people like me.

America, we need to rethink this whole thing. I can't be trusted with important tasks like this. Let's face it, most of you can't be trusted either. So, why not leave this difficult task to people who can really do it. Like old people. They would be perfect. It would give them something to do all day. They'd get to feel important. And, it would keep them from bugging me all day at my job. I think it's a win-win. Think about it.

I Don't Want to Get Off on a Rant Here . . .

Dennis Miller, what the hell happened to you? Every time I turn on my television, there you are, another right wing talking head with an "attitude." You are on Hannity and O'Reilly. You appear on Leno and spew your new found George Bush ass-kissing style. Sure, you still throw in your famously obscure references, but it's just not the same. Every other time I see you, you are going on and on about "kicking ass and taking hyphenated names." Nice. It just breaks my heart, a little more each time.

See, Dennis, I used to love you. I mean, really love you. I watched you when you had your short lived talk show. I watched your HBO show religiously, and took the fact that you used a Henry Rollins song in your show as a sign of our kinship. I would laugh at your rants, and shake my head in agreement. You pulled no punches, and even if I didn't agree with you, the artful way you said things made me laugh anyway. You spoke to me, and for me, as I do not have a television show. You were funny, wry and witty. Whether you were cutting down a guest, or truly getting what they were saying, they always got a fair shake. I even went to see you do a live performance, sick with a head cold, and got berated by some joyless yuppie and his wife for interrupting their non-laughter with coughing. All for you, babe.

And, now, you've turned on me, Dennis. I know the events of September 11 were impossible to deal with, and we all came out changed. But, you changed into a douche bag. Truly. I know as we age, our opinions change. We become parents, recognize our own mortality, and start worrying about taxes, retirement, and growing old. A lot of people grow more conservative with age, I get that. But, you my friend are off the deep end. When you spend your free time sucking up to O'Reilly and praising his ability to debate the pros and cons of Rosie O'Donnell, you have lost the plot, big time.

What worries me most, is that I think you are a sell out. I can't tell if you really believe your diatribes or not. But I do know this. The liberal entertainment world wasn't buying the new, conservative tinged you. So, you went to the next logical step. Turning tail, and joining the dark side. There is more room at the crazy table on the right side of the room. And, the money is better. So, congrats. You may have more money now, but you will never be great like you were. You have lost me forever. No longer will I be able to say things like, "I've got a life to lead cha cha" and not feel dirty. All I can do now is listen to the Off White Album, and mourn the loss of my Dennis. While the new one is no doubt playing golf with Karl Rove.

POST SCRIPT: I think it the height of irony, when the word that comes up as the alternative for Hannity in spell-checker, is sanity.

Goofing on the Stupid

Sometimes I just can't resist messing with people. Especially people who think they are monumentally funny, when they are clearly not. I can raise my left eyebrow independent of the other. I use this look to convey disbelief, wonder, incredulity or sometimes surprise. While at work the other day, I gave my boss this look when he said something dopey. A customer happened to be walking in and noticed my look. When he arrived at my window, he said, "Oh, you're giving him The Rock."

Now, I know who The Rock is. I'm not living in a cave. I am aware of professional wrestling. I am familiar with the look and smelling what he is cooking and all that. But, I decided this guy needed to be knocked down a peg. It was not funny, and he needed to know that.

So, devious me pretended not to know what he was talking about. I looked at him with the eyebrow, and said, "What?" He repeated himself, and smiled expectantly, like maybe I hadn't heard him. I looked at him blankly, and smiled my best fake smile. "Sorry. I don't know who that is." The air was officially out of his sails. He walked away dejected and my job was done.

"I didn't want to do it; felt I owed it to him." You said it, Judge Smails.