Big Questions (an on-going series)

*How come when people have a near-death, or out of body experiences, they always see a bright, white light and float up? So, none of these people are sinners and going to hell?

The Cake has been Taken

THIS STORY IS 100% TRUE . Some of the details have been changed, mainly to protect me, but the rest is all fact. Please Enjoy!!

I work at a widget factory*. Sometimes people call us because they feel they don't have as many widgets as they should. In fact, sometimes they are dealing with negative amounts of widgets. So, I got one of those calls today. This man had authorized someone, let's say Ryder Trucks**, to take a certain number of widgets from him, but they took some away twice. This made his widget count negative. He called, very irate about this and asked me to explain how he was so low on widgets. I told him that Ryder had taken widgets away from him twice and he became very angry.

So, I tried to calm him down but he continued. He said he needed those widgets back from Ryder and not only that, but wanted extra widgets to make up for the deficit caused by other widget transactions. I told him that he needed to speak with Ryder to get the widgets back, but he became more angry, saying that they were not reachable. He told me that he was sorry for taking out his frustrations on me, then proceeded to launch into a profanity laced rant about how I needed to tell everyone at my widget factory that we basically fucking sucked. Then he hung up on me.

I was pissed. I even went so far as to cry a little, as I do when I am boiling mad, with no outlet. I went to lunch to cool off. This bastard called while I was at lunch and had the nerve to ask to talk to me, once again, about his widget deficit. Instead, my boss tried to speak to him, and admonish him for being so dreadful to me. He took this as another chance to scream, and laid into my boss and said "Fuck you" and hung up again.

We at the widget factory also have a 1-800 helpline to handle calls. This man proceeded to call them, and (no joke now) threatened to KILL someone there because they would not help him without proper verification of his widget account. Then, it really got interesting. The call center called our security department, who called the police. Then, security wanted to get my account of the widget debacle, and asked if I wanted them to take away his widgets all together. I said yes, because this guy was clearly insane.

Well, I thought that was the end of it, until this jackass WALKED INTO my widget factory. He says "Hi, I'm Douche-Bag***, and I'm so sorry." I say, "That's fine, but you need to step away from my widget making machine now. If you want to talk to my manager, that's fine, but you need to step away from me now." He sat, and I got the manager. He told my manager that he was unprofessional because of his shoe choice, raised his stupid voice a little and then left, before the police could come and get him for making "terrorist threats." Oh well, we gave them the license number and let them do their thing.

In the end, I was dumbfounded. This guy informed my boss that Ryder was giving back the widgets. That is what I told him from the beginning! I am glad, in a way, that he ultimately got his, but am mostly amazed that it all went this far.

So, to all you non-customer service types who ever get mad at the widget maker, waitress, or Indian guy who has the misfortune of getting your call about your laptop, be kind. At the very least, don't threaten to kill them. These are people. Human beings just like you, you big-dumb-douchey-asses. Just because something is wrong in your world, doesn't mean they did it to you. Most likely it is because of a person so far removed from the situation that they will never find out about your lowly problem. So, just know that. And, remember, we can sick the cops on you, dicks.

* Not real employer.
** Not real company involved.
***Not real name, but really is one.

I Heart Jon Stewart

So, just a little post to say that the Jon Stewart show on Saturday night was kick ass. Even thought Merriweather Post Pavillion has the stupidest parking and such, it was an amazing 90 minutes of awesome.

He is so fucking funny, I just want to, well, honestly, I just want to have sex with him. As I said before, he makes the old (yes, old, 30 to be exact) toes curl. Anywho, great way to spend a saturday night. Plus, he taught us all a new way to look at the President's speech patterns. Hilarious.

Good show, Jon Stewart, you sexy bitch. Thanks for making a newly old lady laugh.

30 Years, on my way to. . .

Well, my 30th birthday has come and gone. No major breakdowns, no crying jaggs and no new wrinkles to report. I actually had a pretty kick ass day. And, it looks to be a pretty kick ass weekend too.

I'm off from work until tuesday. Thursday, I got my nails and hair done. Friday, I got to hang out with my man all day, got some great news from Danielle, saw some old friends and found out they are moving back to town next year. Had some of the most delicious food ever. Even got a free dessert from Borders.

Today, it is the arrival of my sister and her husband, bearing surprises and gifts. Then we are headed to Maryland to see #5 on the Top 5 List, Jon Stewart. I am so excited.

So, turning 30 really hasn't been so bad. I don't feel any older. I don't feel like my life is over, and I got to freak out some sqaures last night, so it is all good. Maybe it's just all how you look at it.

Gotta go, my new dining room table is being delivered.

30 Years, and my life is still. . .

Well, this is it folks, in a few short hours, I will be thirty. I've told myself over and over that it doesn't matter, but for some reason this one is a little sticky for me. I'm obviously not above feeling like this life is going by me awfully fast.

There is a quote from the movie "Singles" that I think sums it up for me. Janet (Bridget Fonda) is talking into the camera at her coffee house job. She tell us that she is 24. "Time is running out to do something truly bizarre. Somewhere around 25, bizarre becomes immature."

That is it for me. I don't want to be mature. I don't want to have to stop being bizarre, or weird or "different" or whatever you want to call it. I'd like to say that it is some big dilemma about my mortality or that I feel I haven't accomplished what I set out to do. And, while all that is true, it really does seem to come down to the fact that I don't want to grow up. And, well, 30 is just another step closer to "adulthood."

Now, everyone tries to give you the speeches about how the 30's are better than the 20's and that it's all so great and freeing. Well, we'll see. I feel like maybe I should undertake some major life upheaval or change. I feel like I should reevaluate and assess my life, and see where I could improve things. But, really, at the end of the day, I just want to get rid of my crappy job, find what I really love and be happy. Is that too much to ask for an old lady like me?

"Damn Kids. . . . . . "

Just trying it out. And, you know what. . . I like it.