Saturday, May 26, 2007

Where My Girls At?


Every summer, we prepare for the blockbuster movie season. And we are treated to the lowest of the low when it comes to actual cinema. This summer appears to be no exception. But, I'm less concerned about the quality of films, and more concerned with the fact that there are really no movies that feature more than one woman in a main role. I thought at first it was just my little feminist alarm going off, but I'm pretty much right on this.

Spiderman 3, The Pirates of the Caribbean 3, Ocean's 13, Fantastic Four, even Shrek 3 only feature one leading lady. It's not even a recent phenomenon. Think Star Wars (today and yesterday.) Carrie Fisher and Natalie Portman. That's it. Hell, there are movies that don't even put a woman in them. Even in an extra role. Think war movies like Hunt for Red October, Crimson Tide, Saving Private Ryan. We get movies like Pearl Harbor and the agony that is Kate Beckinsale.

The list goes on. Gladiator, Old School, The Departed, Gangs of New York, Good Fellas, Casino, Die Hard. Sure, these movies are mostly guy films. But, what about movies that are for us ladies. Like Elizabeth. The only woman of any significance is Helen Mirren. So, there weren't any other woman in the whole of England? Or Shakespeare in Love? We get Gwyneth. That's it.

I just think there have to be more roles for women than the token, the hooker or the girlfriend. I know Hollywood isn't always the bastion of intellect or credibility. But significant speaking parts for women shouldn't be that much of a challenge. Hell, if they can make an unrated DVD version of every movie to get the boob shots in, maybe just spend a little more time on the regular movie and give women something smart to say, and a place to say it.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

The Long Hot Summer: Part 3


Last up, CSI. (I also watch Grey's Anatomy on a regular basis. But, that show is on my shit list right now.) Anyway back to CSI.

The Miniature Killer was revealed, and it turns out it is indeed a super-creepy foster child of Ernie Dell, the original suspect who shot himself on a webcam while Grissom watched. Oh, and did we mention it's a chick? Very rare, the female serial killer. How nice for her. Turns out, she's a janitor at CSI, and has delivered Grissom and the gang a new mystery to solve.

A little background on the killer. Her bio-dad is a freaky ventriloquist, she killed her sister because she was the favorite, and is triggered into the rages by bleach, after watching her dad clean up her sister's blood with bleach. Nice. So, Grissom finally figures out that building the miniatures is personal, as he made one himself, of his own office. And, the new miniature features the very unappealing Sara Sidle under a car, in the desert. Her previous miniatures all contained bleach somehow, and were all places she worked, we assume. They find the hobby shop where she gets her stuff, and track down her apartment.

They know the car is from an accident scene where the killer was lurking, and she figured out that Grissom and Sara are riding the hobby horse (see Breakfast Club.) And, now everyone else knows too, as Grissom spilled the beans in his explanation of the miniature to the team. So, the killer wants to take what Grissom loves, because he took the only person she loved, Ernie.

So, in a really annoying "To Be Continued" situation, Grissom can't get the freaky killer girl to tell him where Sara is, and she's really under the car, fighting for her life. Will she live? Will she die? Will CBS renew her contract? Who knows?

Overall, it was good, but kind of a disappointment, as season enders go. The season-ending-double-episode-Tarantino-thriller with my lovely Nick buried alive was way better. I don't care if Sara dies, and I don't think anyone else does either.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

The Long Hot Summer: Part 2


Next up, The Office.

This is my favorite show by far. I just love it. And, the season finale did not disappoint. Michael, Jim and Karen are going to be interviewing for a new job at Corporate, and Jim and Karen are heading up to NYC early to spend some time together. Michael gets a visit from Jan, who has had some minor surgery. By that, I mean the biggest boob job ever. Michael is now torn as to whether or not he should take her back, so he summons his "girls" and they tell him to say no. But, Jan puts her chest out and he says yes.

Meanwhile, up at Corporate, Michael has a decent interview with David, but then reveals his revitalized relationship with Jan. Well, it turns out that it's Jan's job they are there to get. So, Jan flips out when Michael tells her, and he goes back to Scranton without a new job, having withdrawn his name in "protest". That leaves, so we think, Karen or Jim to vie for the position. While Jim is interviewing, we flash back to his Beach Day after-confession time with Pam and he finds the token of affection she left in his sales reports for luck. He leaves Corporate without Karen, and is driving while we hear Pam's voice talking to the documentary crew.

Suddenly, Jim interrupts, and asks her to dinner. She says yes, and he utters the magic words, "It's a date." Pam nearly cries when she turns back to the crew.

I LOVE IT!!!! The very last scene is Ryan accepting the Corporate job and dumping Kelly. Her resounding "WHAT?!" closes the season. This is the one show I can't wait to get back to. I love that Jim and Pam are together. I just hope they don't mess with them too much. They are too cute together.

Monday, May 21, 2007

The Long Hot Summer: Part 1


Since summer is here, and the networks have sent their shows to sleep-away camp, I'm recapping some of the season finales that I've watched and enjoyed. The first one I shall discuss is Numb3rs.

This show is a favorite of mine, mostly due to the fact that Rob Morrow is a total and complete hottie. He plays FBI super-agent Don Eppes. His brother is Dr. Charles Eppes, nerdy math geek who helps him solve crime. The rest of the FBI team consists of David, the tough-yet-sensitive-type. Colby, the ex-army-not-so-bright-type. And, Megan, the behaviorist-martial-arts-tough-chick-with-a-heart-of-gold type. Oh, and there's the sometimes-there-sometimes-not Liz, who doubles as Don's lady friend.

This week, a crazy British dude has commandeered a bridge, and threatens to blow it up, cell-phone-bomb-style if the cops don't get the Brothers Eppes there pronto. They arrive and talk to the guy, who tells Charlie he has to answer a bunch of questions in order to save the bridge. For every correct answer, he throws away a cell phone that will detonate a bomb. Pretty cool huh?

Colby has the brilliant idea to go under the bridge, to find out what kind of cell phones the wacko is using so they can shut down the service. He and David use these crazy Batman-style gadgets to climb up, and see what's going on. Charlie is rocking through the questions, until he hesitates a little too long, and the guy goes all dial-a-bomb on him. Our fellows under the bridge are unharmed. They are not near the blast, but I have to think that would still suck pretty bad.

So, Don gets sick of all this crap, and after they jam the cell service, he goes out to kick some limy ass. The bomber starts to run, but Don shoots, and another bomb goes off. Magically, the guy lives. He's in the hospital, and sends Charlie messages through the oxygen thing on his finger. Turns out, this Brit was some mad cryptographer and the Eppes boys find out he was trying to tell them about a super-secret list of people who are compromised by foreign governments. Even though everyone says the list is bogus, Charlie's math says otherwise. They finally crack the code, and are led to a reporter. She knows about the list, but not who's on it; yet. Megan and Colby put her under protective custody, and Megan gives Colby crap for showboating under the bridge.

When the bad guys come to kill everyone in the safe house (they may want to start calling them something else, because someone always dies in them) Colby says he will "protect" the witness. Charlie and his lady friend/colleague Amita, figure out that the list is on the reporter's voice mail, and as they listen, they hear that it contains the name of someone they know. Colby, the doofus under the bridge. Turns out, he's been working for the Chinese, just like his war buddy from a couple episodes back. Don and David head to the house when Colby doesn't answer the phone. They find him trying to sneak out the back (Jack) with the reporter, to kill her and shut her up.

Back at the FBI, they get Colby to confess and give up his army buddy, and they haul them to Gitmo, probably. Everyone is suitably upset (David has tears! So sensitive!) and the crew is in for some turmoil, no doubt. Can't wait for next year. Here's hoping for a little more eye candy on the team. Although, no one will ever compete with my Don.

Numb3rs is on CBS, Fridays at 10pm.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Tour of Duty: Day 4


Well, I am free at last. They sent us home this morning, and I am now officially free from duty for three years. I have to say, all in all, it was just a big old boring waste of time. But, on the other hand, I got to chat with some nice people, read and get out of work. Those are all positives in my book.

They came in and rounded us all up, and then the one woman who works there proceeded to tell us that they would be panelling a group of 40, and the trial was starting Monday, it would be two weeks, and in another county. Everyone gasped, but I was noticing the smile on her face, as she revealed her joke. I thought it was quite good, as she had the deadpan face down pat.

So, I am now free for the rest of the day, and then back to work for a whole day tomorrow. Sometimes, doing your duty can be an okay thing.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Tour of Duty: Day 3


Well, I was fortunate to not get panelled for either jury that was selected today. The funny thing is that both of them came back almost immediately, as both cases resulted in plea bargains. And, most of the cases that were started Tuesday and Wednesday are back to waiting with the rest of us unselected folk. The end of the week can't come fast enough for most of us. On the plus side, I have finished one book and started another.

Today, the 4 self appointed "cool girls" of the group, started playing Spoons in the lounge area. Every time someone would open the door, you'd hear loud noise and laughter. I appreciate that they were having fun, but it got to be a little tedious after so many hours trapped together. I am always amazed at these people's ability to find each other in a room full of 300 people. They have managed to be the center of attention all week long. I've been sticking to myself, eating lunch with a nice woman I met on the first day. It's crazy how much of adult life is just like high school.

So, I am hoping that tomorrow will be my last day of this tedium, and that I am not selected for anything else. I am not looking forward to going back to work, but this is the most boring thing there is on earth.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Tour of Duty: Day 2


Just when I thought I was safe, I was panelled for another jury today. In the second case, I was the third one picked. Again, I was not selected for service, as I felt I couldn't be fair and impartial in this particular instance. Due to legal constraints, I can't really say more. But, needless to say, it would have been hard for me to not assume the guy was guilty.

Today, also had the added weirdness of the victim being present in the courtroom. She was a witness in the case, and therefore was present at jury selection. It's hard to look at someone in her situation and not feel really bad. Because either way it goes down, she's still having to relive things over again.

After lunch, there was more waiting around, and then we were sprung at two o'clock. Still days to go on my service to my government and community. You know, it's hard to view it as service when it is forced upon you. In recent days, I've discussed with several people the idea of volunteer jury duty. Of course there would have to be some incentive, like no local tax for a year, or something. But, I think it might make for better candidates than those of us forced against our will to be fair. It was even more apparent to me today that the idea of impartial and fair are easier said then done.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Tour of Duty: Day 1

So, I reported for jury duty today, bright and early. Me and 299 of my unlucky cohorts sat in a room, while they took attendance, explained the rules and made us watch a film. Then, the real fun began, as we began to wait around for the "panelling" to begin. This is where they take a group of you, in our case 30, to be a part of Voir Dire. That is where the lawyers ask you questions, and pick you based on your answers.

I was the first one picked for the second panel. We were lined up, walked up to an elevator. We all got in, except one poor woman that they told to get out, because there was too much weight. They just left her there, not telling her where to go. It was priceless. (Coincidentally, I later had lunch with her.) We were taken to the 10th floor to the courtroom. We waited again until everyone from the group made it from the elevator, including our wayward passenger.

We walked past the sheriff's deputy, and then again waited in our lines. It was all very serious. We walked to the courtroom door, and waited again. It was at this point that I was overwhelmed by the urge to laugh. Then, when the pushed open the doors, and there in front of me was the guy in the black robe, the lawyers, the defendant, and oh of course, the high school field trip, I really needed to laugh. It felt like trying not to laugh in church. I liken it to my uncontrollable urge to say "Ready with the bombs, buddy" whenever I get on a plane. I know you can't do it, so I really want to.

So, they asked us some questions, to see if we could be "fair and impartial." That is a total crock in my opinion. There isn't a person on this planet who can be fair and impartial. Everyone has their biases and prejudices. And, let me just tell you, when you are at jury duty, and you see the defendant grab a paper cup off the table, and proceed to pee into it, it's hard to imagine him not doing other inappropriate things in life. If I could have taken a picture of the defense attorney's face, it would be on this post right now. I am not kidding, this really happened.

I honestly don't know how anyone can put all of themselves aside to decide someone else's fate. And, for now I don't have to. I wasn't selected for the jury. But, I'm stuck there for another three days at least, until all the juries are filled. So, keep your fingers crossed that I get through this without having to actually sit on a jury. But, at the very least, I'll get some good stories out of it.

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Pam in My Hero

To anyone who is a fan of the show The Office, you know there are so many reasons to love it. Michael is the worst boss (multiplied by 1000), Dwight is the weirdest man alive and Jim is adorable. But, after this week's episode of the show, my new favorite character has to be Pam.

Now, to those of you who don't know, Pam is the receptionist on the show. She is sweet, shy, and sometimes a doormat. But, this week, at "Beach Day" Pam finds the strength to walk on hot coals when no one else would, to call out her co-workers for dissing her art show, and to tell Jim the truth.

She misses him. She misses their friendship. He's the reason that she called off her wedding. I was so impressed by this great, albeit fictional, display of honesty and strength. I found a new respect for Pam after this week, and even though I know this whole business will be drawn out forever, I hope she and Jim can finally be together one day.

God, sometimes television is just wonderful.

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Where Have All The Asses Gone?

As a normal, red-blooded American woman, I look at cute men. Hell, I'll look at cute boys (always above 18, of course) if they strike my fancy. But, in all this looking, I have noticed one terrible truth. There are very few nice tushes out there. I mean, it used to be that if a man was attractive, you could often count on a nice rear view as he walked on by. Now, all you see is the baggy expanse of fabric where an ass should be. What happened? Where did the glutes go?

At an old college hang out recently, there were some very nice young men holding court at the table next to me. When one walked by to get another beer, I checked him out. Nothing but a wall of lacrosse shorts for my trouble. There was literally not even a break in the plane of the shorts. It was like a curtain, over a very flat window.

And while I was with my dear Grimace, not that long ago, she pointed out a cute boy to me. Nice eyes, good hair, all the amenities. Then, as he walked away, my smile faded. A mere mole hill, where one would hope to find a mountain. Disappointment yet again.

Bring me Mel Gibson circa 1988, pre-crazy, pre-Jesus freak years. Now there was an ass. Now, we are lucky to get a passing butt shot from any celebrity, because there is nothing left to show. I don't think they're being modest, I think they are being smart.

I don't know what to say, only that maybe these boys should borrow my Firm Fanny Lifter, or do some squats. Because, let me just tell you, there is nothing going on back there, but the backs of your legs.