Where Have All The Asses Gone?

As a normal, red-blooded American woman, I look at cute men. Hell, I'll look at cute boys (always above 18, of course) if they strike my fancy. But, in all this looking, I have noticed one terrible truth. There are very few nice tushes out there. I mean, it used to be that if a man was attractive, you could often count on a nice rear view as he walked on by. Now, all you see is the baggy expanse of fabric where an ass should be. What happened? Where did the glutes go?

At an old college hang out recently, there were some very nice young men holding court at the table next to me. When one walked by to get another beer, I checked him out. Nothing but a wall of lacrosse shorts for my trouble. There was literally not even a break in the plane of the shorts. It was like a curtain, over a very flat window.

And while I was with my dear Grimace, not that long ago, she pointed out a cute boy to me. Nice eyes, good hair, all the amenities. Then, as he walked away, my smile faded. A mere mole hill, where one would hope to find a mountain. Disappointment yet again.

Bring me Mel Gibson circa 1988, pre-crazy, pre-Jesus freak years. Now there was an ass. Now, we are lucky to get a passing butt shot from any celebrity, because there is nothing left to show. I don't think they're being modest, I think they are being smart.

I don't know what to say, only that maybe these boys should borrow my Firm Fanny Lifter, or do some squats. Because, let me just tell you, there is nothing going on back there, but the backs of your legs.