I have spent eons of my life trying to be cool. If I could add it all up, it would probably be years. I'm not sure exactly when it started, but I'm pretty sure I was too young to know what cool really was. I thought my older brother and sister's friends were so cool. I was desperate to fit in, desperate to be older, cooler. Just like them. It wasn't until much later that I realized they weren't really that cool either.
But, by then I had moved on to the next thing. I rode the trends, followed the crowd, even though I was desperate to "stand out." I wanted to be that cool girl with the right outfit, the right look, the right attitude. But, I always felt like I fell just short of the mark. I would have the wrong shoes, or the right shirt in the wrong color. I never quite pulled it off, never make anyone believe that I was cool, different or hip. I wanted to be different, just like everybody else. The kind of cool that only "non-conformist" conformity could give you. I hung around the fringes of "cool" groups, but never really got inside. At least, I never thought so.
I was just so desperate to hear someone say that I was cool. If anyone did, I never heard about it. Which means, to me, it never happened. I still have moments when I feel like this, even though I am way too old to be concerned with this stuff anymore. I'm over the hill, on the downtrend. Being cool left the station a long time ago. It would have been nice to feel it, just for a little while. Even if I would leave the house and feel cool, there would always be someone else at the show, at the mall, at school, who made me feel so uncool. And, the fact that I can still be made to feel this way drives me nuts.
But, after spending some time recently with people just like I used to be, young people desperate to be cool, I can see how futile it all is. They try so hard, they preen, they pose. I see myself in them almost to a scary degree. Their whole lives are wrapped up in it, just like mine was. I want to pull them aside and tell them to save their breath, their money and their time. You will never be as cool as you want to be. There will always be someone cooler than you. There will be music you will never know about, culture you will never know about, and some day you too will feel old to be a part of anything anymore.
But, by then I had moved on to the next thing. I rode the trends, followed the crowd, even though I was desperate to "stand out." I wanted to be that cool girl with the right outfit, the right look, the right attitude. But, I always felt like I fell just short of the mark. I would have the wrong shoes, or the right shirt in the wrong color. I never quite pulled it off, never make anyone believe that I was cool, different or hip. I wanted to be different, just like everybody else. The kind of cool that only "non-conformist" conformity could give you. I hung around the fringes of "cool" groups, but never really got inside. At least, I never thought so.
I was just so desperate to hear someone say that I was cool. If anyone did, I never heard about it. Which means, to me, it never happened. I still have moments when I feel like this, even though I am way too old to be concerned with this stuff anymore. I'm over the hill, on the downtrend. Being cool left the station a long time ago. It would have been nice to feel it, just for a little while. Even if I would leave the house and feel cool, there would always be someone else at the show, at the mall, at school, who made me feel so uncool. And, the fact that I can still be made to feel this way drives me nuts.
But, after spending some time recently with people just like I used to be, young people desperate to be cool, I can see how futile it all is. They try so hard, they preen, they pose. I see myself in them almost to a scary degree. Their whole lives are wrapped up in it, just like mine was. I want to pull them aside and tell them to save their breath, their money and their time. You will never be as cool as you want to be. There will always be someone cooler than you. There will be music you will never know about, culture you will never know about, and some day you too will feel old to be a part of anything anymore.
So, in my quest to be cool, I've come to one realization. I am. But, not because anyone else thinks so. But, because I think so. Fuck what the world thinks. The only way to truly be cool is to just be yourself. Whatever that may be. Trying to be something you're not is not cool. See, that was my problem all along. I'm a dork. And, while I may like some cool things, that is not why I am cool. I'm cool because there is no one else I would rather be.
2 comments:
So we really weren't that cool either huh??? :)
Nah, not really. ;)
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