Newsflash

I can say without hesitation, that breaking your leg sucks.

I got my cast on today, and while I am ordered off from work, which I am 100% fine with, I am still pretty depressed about the whole business. I can't do anything fun, I can barely get up my stairs. I feel cloudy in the head, and everything is a monumental effort. I can't be active, which is very important to me now. And, peeing seems like too much work.

Sadest of all, I had to cancel my hot-air balloon ride for my birthday this Saturday. So, all in all, things kind of blow right now.

It's Been a While

I was coming home from a hike today, and innocently stopped at a local produce stand for some healthy snacks. The young man working at the stand started talking to me, asking me about my tattoos and things. He offered to put my peaches in a bag for me, and smiled.

It was then that it occurred to me. This young man was hitting on me. Since it has been eons since anything vaguely resembling this has happened, I was taken aback. I was sweaty and gross from my hike, but apparently this guy was into it. We chatted for a few more minutes, as every time I tried to leave, he would ask me another question. I have to say, it was flattering and he wasn't half bad looking.

It's nice to know I've still got it, or at the very least can attract a boy who works with fruit, clearly dazed from sitting in the sun.

Lifetime of Disappointment

I can't believe I'm admitting this, but I have been sucked into the Lifetime series Sideorder of Life. It follows Jenny, as she starts kicking ass at work, and leaves her man. Overall it is a good series, but it suffers from an all-too-common ailment. That being that the main character is kind of whiny and annoying.

Jenny is a skinny, blonde bitch who doesn't really make me want to like her. On the flip side, her best friend is the overweight and funny Vivy, who really should be the focal point of the show.

We've seen this a thousand times, most recently with the popular Grey's Anatomy. Am I the only one who wished Meredith had drowned in the ferry accident, or finds her co-stars Callie, Izzy and Cristina much more interesting? I can only hope this season McDreamy sleeps with her sister, and she clears her throat and stops talking like that.

As for Side Order of Life, I am still interested as to who she is talking to on the phone, and what will happen with her cancer stricken friend, so I will keep watching. But just once, I'd like to see the main character be someone I actually care about, and not just some blonde who looks good.

Hating Giada

I'm not quite sure when my hatred for Giada De Laurentiis started, but it is very real. I can't stand her. She bugs me even more than Rachel Ray, and that is saying a lot.

I've had the displeasure of watching her recently, as my husband likes her breasts. She did a show where she went to D.C. to show us the culinary delights of the town. She went to the farmer's market and took tiny bites of things. She went to restaurants and took tiny bites of her meals. Basically she's one of those birdy-bite women who has to stay skinny so they never truly eat.

But, here's the real kicker. She went to the Chocolate Buffet at the Ritz Carlton (which I have done) and proceeded to pile her plate full of chocolate wonders. She comes back to her table with a cookie in her mouth, and proceeds to take a tiny bite of each thing, and that's it. An ordinary person pays $25 dollars for the pleasure of eating all this greatness. She has to "be good" and only take a wee bite of each. What a shameful waste.

And, how, pray tell, can every food item on earth be creamy in texture. Everything this bitch makes is "creamy" or very rarely "nutty". She also does that annoying thing of pronouncing some words with an Italian accent, even though everything else is perfect English. I know she is Italian, but it is annoying as fuck. We get it, you're from Italy. Bully for you.

So, I feel better now that I've gotten that off of my chest. Sometimes hatred is hard to explain, but easy to enjoy.

Who Does That?

Anyone who knows me knows that the title of this post is one of my most often asked questions. I truly have the desire to know what possesses people to do the things they do. What makes people think that certain things are acceptable behavior? I find myself saying it or thinking it on a daily basis. Here are a few example of what I'm talking about. You decide, Who Does That?

• Takes a metal shard from out of their boot and hands it to someone to "throw away."
• Asks a female co-worker to help a guy push his disabled vehicle out of someone's way.
• Tells a stranger to smile more, and that it may not make her feel better, but it will help her look better.
• While seated at a table at a restaurant, hears someone at the next table say "dickhead" and moves tables in disgust.
• While discussing professionalism with a subordinate, stops to take a phone call in which a woman's appearance and willingness to put out are discussed.

These are just a few of the genius things I am privy to everyday. I marvel at the stupidity, the thoughtlessness and the downright asshole nature of people.

Not Bad

Just for a little fun, I went to simpsonizeme.com and found out what I would look like as a resident of Springfield. Not a bad likeness, if you ask me.

Death of a Planet

I'm sorry to say that Punk Planet is no more. I just received the last issue in the mail, along with the first zine, as an added bonus.

It's hard to believe they are not going to be around any more. Even harder to believe is that they have been around since I graduated high school.

So, farewell to yet another independently published magazine. The times, they certainly are changing.

It Runs in the Family

It must be in the genes. I was talking to my sister last night, and she was telling me all about her new little bundle of joy, my niece. She filled me in on all their recent activities and what they've been up to. And, it seems just like her aunt, my little EJ loves her some Man Vs. Wild.

While she is only three weeks old, she already has an affinity for one Mr. Bear Grylls. While her daddy was holding her watching the show, she turned to look at the TV, something she doesn't really do. Seems she was quite taken with the program, unable to look away, especially when Bear was talking. So far, it is one of the few things on television she has responded to at all.

At least now I know, we have something in common. Well, other than our noses.

Impossible Bastards, Part 2

Well, just when I thought it couldn't get any worse at my job, it did. I just got back from vacation today, to find that I no longer have email. Now, I am stuck with no communication, no internet, and no fun.

And, to the jackass who commented on my first post of this nature, let's see you do your job without email!!!

Latest Addition

While my sister is bravely navigating the waters of new parenthood, I know I'm way too much of a wuss for that. Therefore, the newest addition to our family is my new iPod shuffle, Baby Otis.

Baby Otis, as he is known, came into our home today, at 3:30pm. After a quick install, I filled his tiny ass up with songs. Now, I am ready to clip him on and go. It is truly extraordinary how little he is. So unassuming, so unobtrusive. He makes his Papa look like a big, clunky dude.

So, I'm now a grandparent. My baby has a baby. And, I couldn't be happier.

I Look Pissed on the Outside, Because I'm Pissed on the Inside

You'd think with all the concerts I've seen in my life, I'd be prepared for something like this, but I'm not.

Morrissey cancelled the show we were going to see this weekend, due to throat troubles. BITCH!! Now, I love Morrissey with my whole heart, and I want him to be okay. But, COME ON!! I have been looking forward to this show form months. And, we still don't know when it will be rescheduled. No doubt there will have to be schedule finagling, and it will be terribly inconvenient. There is nothing I hate more than inconvenience.

This too shall pass, but right now I'm mad. So mad in fact that I am going to go cry. Is it wrong to not always be glad?

R.I.P Mr. Wizard

I just read that Mr. Wizard died. He was 89 years old. To those who don't know, Mr. Wizard (Don Herbert) had a show on Nickelodeon that showed kids the joys of science using everyday things. He was the bomb.

I loved that show so much growing up. He will be missed.

My New Obsession

This weekend my sister accused me of only watching television programs that feature guys that I find hot. I had to admit, she had a point. With out Don Eppes, I'm not watching Numb3rs. Without Nick, there is no CSI.

So, maybe I'm a one trick pony. I can live with that. But, it's not the only thing I look for in a show. I mean, I like Matthew Fox, but all the shirtless-on-the-beach shots in the world won't get me to watch Lost. But, I must admit that my new favorite show does feature some hunky goodness, in the form of one Mr. Bear Grylls. The show is Man Vs. Wild, on the Discovery Channel.

First, the guy's name is Bear (it's actually Edward.) He was in the British Special Forces, and has climbed Mount Everest. Now, he does a show where he shows you how to get out of dangerous places and situations that the everyday Joe might find themselves in. Trapped in the Rockies? Trapped on an island? Take a wrong turn in the rainforest? No problem. Bear knows the way out, and he wants you to know too.

To be fair, I couldn't do 99% of the crap he can do, but that isn't why I watch. I'm watching for one reason. Naked Push-ups. When Bear was trapped in the Alps, he was kind enough to show everyone what to do when you fall through thin ice. Of course, after he got out of that cold water, his wet clothes made him more vulnerable to hypothermia. So, he had to get out of them quickly. And, in order to restore blood flow, well, what works better than push-ups? But, don't take my word for it, see for yourself.

See? Brilliant. If loving Bear is wrong, I don't want to be right. Check out the show, you won't be sorry. New episodes start June 15th.

Where My Girls At?

Every summer, we prepare for the blockbuster movie season. And we are treated to the lowest of the low when it comes to actual cinema. This summer appears to be no exception. But, I'm less concerned about the quality of films, and more concerned with the fact that there are really no movies that feature more than one woman in a main role. I thought at first it was just my little feminist alarm going off, but I'm pretty much right on this.

Spiderman 3, The Pirates of the Caribbean 3, Ocean's 13, Fantastic Four, even Shrek 3 only feature one leading lady. It's not even a recent phenomenon. Think Star Wars (today and yesterday.) Carrie Fisher and Natalie Portman. That's it. Hell, there are movies that don't even put a woman in them. Even in an extra role. Think war movies like Hunt for Red October, Crimson Tide, Saving Private Ryan. We get movies like Pearl Harbor and the agony that is Kate Beckinsale.

The list goes on. Gladiator, Old School, The Departed, Gangs of New York, Good Fellas, Casino, Die Hard. Sure, these movies are mostly guy films. But, what about movies that are for us ladies. Like Elizabeth. The only woman of any significance is Helen Mirren. So, there weren't any other woman in the whole of England? Or Shakespeare in Love? We get Gwyneth. That's it.

I just think there have to be more roles for women than the token, the hooker or the girlfriend. I know Hollywood isn't always the bastion of intellect or credibility. But significant speaking parts for women shouldn't be that much of a challenge. Hell, if they can make an unrated DVD version of every movie to get the boob shots in, maybe just spend a little more time on the regular movie and give women something smart to say, and a place to say it.

The Long Hot Summer: Part 3

Last up, CSI. (I also watch Grey's Anatomy on a regular basis. But, that show is on my shit list right now.) Anyway back to CSI.

The Miniature Killer was revealed, and it turns out it is indeed a super-creepy foster child of Ernie Dell, the original suspect who shot himself on a webcam while Grissom watched. Oh, and did we mention it's a chick? Very rare, the female serial killer. How nice for her. Turns out, she's a janitor at CSI, and has delivered Grissom and the gang a new mystery to solve.

A little background on the killer. Her bio-dad is a freaky ventriloquist, she killed her sister because she was the favorite, and is triggered into the rages by bleach, after watching her dad clean up her sister's blood with bleach. Nice. So, Grissom finally figures out that building the miniatures is personal, as he made one himself, of his own office. And, the new miniature features the very unappealing Sara Sidle under a car, in the desert. Her previous miniatures all contained bleach somehow, and were all places she worked, we assume. They find the hobby shop where she gets her stuff, and track down her apartment.

They know the car is from an accident scene where the killer was lurking, and she figured out that Grissom and Sara are riding the hobby horse (see Breakfast Club.) And, now everyone else knows too, as Grissom spilled the beans in his explanation of the miniature to the team. So, the killer wants to take what Grissom loves, because he took the only person she loved, Ernie.

So, in a really annoying "To Be Continued" situation, Grissom can't get the freaky killer girl to tell him where Sara is, and she's really under the car, fighting for her life. Will she live? Will she die? Will CBS renew her contract? Who knows?

Overall, it was good, but kind of a disappointment, as season enders go. The season-ending-double-episode-Tarantino-thriller with my lovely Nick buried alive was way better. I don't care if Sara dies, and I don't think anyone else does either.

The Long Hot Summer: Part 2

Next up, The Office.

This is my favorite show by far. I just love it. And, the season finale did not disappoint. Michael, Jim and Karen are going to be interviewing for a new job at Corporate, and Jim and Karen are heading up to NYC early to spend some time together. Michael gets a visit from Jan, who has had some minor surgery. By that, I mean the biggest boob job ever. Michael is now torn as to whether or not he should take her back, so he summons his "girls" and they tell him to say no. But, Jan puts her chest out and he says yes.

Meanwhile, up at Corporate, Michael has a decent interview with David, but then reveals his revitalized relationship with Jan. Well, it turns out that it's Jan's job they are there to get. So, Jan flips out when Michael tells her, and he goes back to Scranton without a new job, having withdrawn his name in "protest". That leaves, so we think, Karen or Jim to vie for the position. While Jim is interviewing, we flash back to his Beach Day after-confession time with Pam and he finds the token of affection she left in his sales reports for luck. He leaves Corporate without Karen, and is driving while we hear Pam's voice talking to the documentary crew.

Suddenly, Jim interrupts, and asks her to dinner. She says yes, and he utters the magic words, "It's a date." Pam nearly cries when she turns back to the crew.

I LOVE IT!!!! The very last scene is Ryan accepting the Corporate job and dumping Kelly. Her resounding "WHAT?!" closes the season. This is the one show I can't wait to get back to. I love that Jim and Pam are together. I just hope they don't mess with them too much. They are too cute together.

The Long Hot Summer: Part 1

Since summer is here, and the networks have sent their shows to sleep-away camp, I'm recapping some of the season finales that I've watched and enjoyed. The first one I shall discuss is Numb3rs.

This show is a favorite of mine, mostly due to the fact that Rob Morrow is a total and complete hottie. He plays FBI super-agent Don Eppes. His brother is Dr. Charles Eppes, nerdy math geek who helps him solve crime. The rest of the FBI team consists of David, the tough-yet-sensitive-type. Colby, the ex-army-not-so-bright-type. And, Megan, the behaviorist-martial-arts-tough-chick-with-a-heart-of-gold type. Oh, and there's the sometimes-there-sometimes-not Liz, who doubles as Don's lady friend.

This week, a crazy British dude has commandeered a bridge, and threatens to blow it up, cell-phone-bomb-style if the cops don't get the Brothers Eppes there pronto. They arrive and talk to the guy, who tells Charlie he has to answer a bunch of questions in order to save the bridge. For every correct answer, he throws away a cell phone that will detonate a bomb. Pretty cool huh?

Colby has the brilliant idea to go under the bridge, to find out what kind of cell phones the wacko is using so they can shut down the service. He and David use these crazy Batman-style gadgets to climb up, and see what's going on. Charlie is rocking through the questions, until he hesitates a little too long, and the guy goes all dial-a-bomb on him. Our fellows under the bridge are unharmed. They are not near the blast, but I have to think that would still suck pretty bad.

So, Don gets sick of all this crap, and after they jam the cell service, he goes out to kick some limy ass. The bomber starts to run, but Don shoots, and another bomb goes off. Magically, the guy lives. He's in the hospital, and sends Charlie messages through the oxygen thing on his finger. Turns out, this Brit was some mad cryptographer and the Eppes boys find out he was trying to tell them about a super-secret list of people who are compromised by foreign governments. Even though everyone says the list is bogus, Charlie's math says otherwise. They finally crack the code, and are led to a reporter. She knows about the list, but not who's on it; yet. Megan and Colby put her under protective custody, and Megan gives Colby crap for showboating under the bridge.

When the bad guys come to kill everyone in the safe house (they may want to start calling them something else, because someone always dies in them) Colby says he will "protect" the witness. Charlie and his lady friend/colleague Amita, figure out that the list is on the reporter's voice mail, and as they listen, they hear that it contains the name of someone they know. Colby, the doofus under the bridge. Turns out, he's been working for the Chinese, just like his war buddy from a couple episodes back. Don and David head to the house when Colby doesn't answer the phone. They find him trying to sneak out the back (Jack) with the reporter, to kill her and shut her up.

Back at the FBI, they get Colby to confess and give up his army buddy, and they haul them to Gitmo, probably. Everyone is suitably upset (David has tears! So sensitive!) and the crew is in for some turmoil, no doubt. Can't wait for next year. Here's hoping for a little more eye candy on the team. Although, no one will ever compete with my Don.

Numb3rs is on CBS, Fridays at 10pm.

Tour of Duty: Day 4

Well, I am free at last. They sent us home this morning, and I am now officially free from duty for three years. I have to say, all in all, it was just a big old boring waste of time. But, on the other hand, I got to chat with some nice people, read and get out of work. Those are all positives in my book.

They came in and rounded us all up, and then the one woman who works there proceeded to tell us that they would be panelling a group of 40, and the trial was starting Monday, it would be two weeks, and in another county. Everyone gasped, but I was noticing the smile on her face, as she revealed her joke. I thought it was quite good, as she had the deadpan face down pat.

So, I am now free for the rest of the day, and then back to work for a whole day tomorrow. Sometimes, doing your duty can be an okay thing.

Tour of Duty: Day 3

Well, I was fortunate to not get panelled for either jury that was selected today. The funny thing is that both of them came back almost immediately, as both cases resulted in plea bargains. And, most of the cases that were started Tuesday and Wednesday are back to waiting with the rest of us unselected folk. The end of the week can't come fast enough for most of us. On the plus side, I have finished one book and started another.

Today, the 4 self appointed "cool girls" of the group, started playing Spoons in the lounge area. Every time someone would open the door, you'd hear loud noise and laughter. I appreciate that they were having fun, but it got to be a little tedious after so many hours trapped together. I am always amazed at these people's ability to find each other in a room full of 300 people. They have managed to be the center of attention all week long. I've been sticking to myself, eating lunch with a nice woman I met on the first day. It's crazy how much of adult life is just like high school.

So, I am hoping that tomorrow will be my last day of this tedium, and that I am not selected for anything else. I am not looking forward to going back to work, but this is the most boring thing there is on earth.

Tour of Duty: Day 2

Just when I thought I was safe, I was panelled for another jury today. In the second case, I was the third one picked. Again, I was not selected for service, as I felt I couldn't be fair and impartial in this particular instance. Due to legal constraints, I can't really say more. But, needless to say, it would have been hard for me to not assume the guy was guilty.

Today, also had the added weirdness of the victim being present in the courtroom. She was a witness in the case, and therefore was present at jury selection. It's hard to look at someone in her situation and not feel really bad. Because either way it goes down, she's still having to relive things over again.

After lunch, there was more waiting around, and then we were sprung at two o'clock. Still days to go on my service to my government and community. You know, it's hard to view it as service when it is forced upon you. In recent days, I've discussed with several people the idea of volunteer jury duty. Of course there would have to be some incentive, like no local tax for a year, or something. But, I think it might make for better candidates than those of us forced against our will to be fair. It was even more apparent to me today that the idea of impartial and fair are easier said then done.