30 Years, and my life is still. . .

Well, this is it folks, in a few short hours, I will be thirty. I've told myself over and over that it doesn't matter, but for some reason this one is a little sticky for me. I'm obviously not above feeling like this life is going by me awfully fast.

There is a quote from the movie "Singles" that I think sums it up for me. Janet (Bridget Fonda) is talking into the camera at her coffee house job. She tell us that she is 24. "Time is running out to do something truly bizarre. Somewhere around 25, bizarre becomes immature."

That is it for me. I don't want to be mature. I don't want to have to stop being bizarre, or weird or "different" or whatever you want to call it. I'd like to say that it is some big dilemma about my mortality or that I feel I haven't accomplished what I set out to do. And, while all that is true, it really does seem to come down to the fact that I don't want to grow up. And, well, 30 is just another step closer to "adulthood."

Now, everyone tries to give you the speeches about how the 30's are better than the 20's and that it's all so great and freeing. Well, we'll see. I feel like maybe I should undertake some major life upheaval or change. I feel like I should reevaluate and assess my life, and see where I could improve things. But, really, at the end of the day, I just want to get rid of my crappy job, find what I really love and be happy. Is that too much to ask for an old lady like me?

"Damn Kids. . . . . . "

Just trying it out. And, you know what. . . I like it.

Back to the Future

I'll be 30 soon(15 days!!!) That unenviable fact is staring me in the face, like the barrel of a gun. But, the funny thing is, it seems like more than ever, everything is reminding me of the past. I have been given the chance to go back to college, my old college, for free. My old college radio station is willing to put me back on the air. It seems that all my favorite bands from the past are putting out new records, touring or both. And, friends from the days of yore are cropping up like crazy on myspace. With all that is laying ahead of me (old age, boredom, mom jeans) it is funny how comforting I am finding these reminders of my "youth."

So, maybe it's time for me to go back to college, before I'm too old to read without giant glasses. Maybe learning at 30 will be better than learning at 18, when I didn't give a crap about anything. Who knows, maybe it would even be fun. If Old School taught us anything, it's that reliving your college years can be beneficial to your adult life.

I know all my 30-something friends will tell me I'm not old. However, the 20-somethings in my life would probably beg to differ. I hate to sound cliche and silly, but college really was good for me. I had my fair share of problems, but mostly I look back on it as some of the greatest times I've ever had. But, if I'm going to be honest with myself, despite the myriad landmines life has buried for me to step on, I am lucky and blessed to have done so much cool shit and lived as well as I have.

All this reflection and soul searching has led me to one place. A fresh start. Whatever comes with the new/old things in my life, I am changing directions, yet again. I may never really figure it all out, but I am tired of worrying about getting it right. For now, I'm just going to enjoy the ride.

The Music of the Devil

If this is the state of music today, count me out.

*"How come every time you come around/my London, London Bridge wanna go down/the drinks start pouring/and my speech is slurring/everybody start looking real good/(oh shit)"--Fergie

*"Do what you wanna do/tonight the world does not exist/no, no, no/move how you wanna move/all my girls work it out like this" --Jessica Simpson

*"I can make it nice and naughty/be the devil and angel too/got a heart and soul and body/let's see what this love can do"--Paris Hilton

What happened to music? God, I hate these fuckers for making me sound old!

Back in my day. . .

In Praise of a Good Fuck

There are a lot of people who don't like swearing. They think it is vulgar and cheapens our culture, making our whole society more coarse and undignified. Whatever the fuck that means. I don't agree. I like swearing. A lot. I'm not alone. There are those that celebrate it. Howard Stern lamented not being able to say what he wanted on his radio show. Athletes get fined for letting the occasional expletive slip through onto live television, but they don't stop. And, I know I wait with anticipation for when James Lipton asks that all important question of celebrities; "What is your favorite curse word?" (in case you are wondering, Jimmy, it's fuck)

One of my favorite places for swearing (and in my opinion, one of the most appropriate) is in music. It is totally voluntary to hear, and in a lot of cases, really helps convey emotion. When I was younger, if I saw that Parental Advisory sticker on an album, all the better. So, I thought I would celebrate some of the great uses of the word Fuck in music.

It is used a lot, that dirty F word. Everybody does it, trying to sound edgy. Hell, there is even a band called Fuck. But lyrically, it has an almost universal appeal. Sometimes it really works. (we'll get to those) But, sometimes, it is just plain wrong.

Case in point: Alanis Morrisette's You Oughta Know. We all know it. "Are you thinking of me when you fuck her?" But, the way she says it, it is just so irritating. It's whiny and gutless. My other least favorite fuck would have to go to Pearl Jam, in Jeremy. "Seemed a harmless little fuck." First of all, it doesn't fit, it doesn't rhyme and I hate the way he sings it, kind of low and quiet, like he doesn't want to say it. I just think it was a needless addition to an otherwise great song.

But, sometimes, it is just great. There are so many great songs that use the word fuck. But, I have chosen a couple that I think just really take it to the next level. And, these are really in no particular order.

1. Untouchable Face - Ani Difranco. Okay Alanis, you wanna know how to do "angry girl"? Take a listen to this one. Her delivery on this one is killer. It comes from power, not bitterness.

2. Killing in the Name of - Rage Against the Machine. Come on. This is a classic. The song just devolves into the "Fuck you, I won't do what you tell me" line over and over. Who hasn't felt that way?

3. Fucking Hostile - Pantera. I don't think I really need to explain this one. While I often find Pantera lyrically silly, this one is great.

4. Closer - Nine Inch Nails. "I want to fuck you like an animal." Who didn't blush a little when you heard that for the first time. (Well, I did, anyway.) One of my particular favorites. All I have to say is, just tell me where and when, and I am there.

5. Fuck and Run - Liz Phair. Liz used to say fuck a lot. She doesn't say it as much as she should in this song, but it is still a great and powerful delivery of the word.

So, there they are. Some of the best fucks in music, in my opinion. But, I think there are some people in music who should embrace the word. Who would I love to hear a fuck from? Well, let's see: Lisa Loeb and Kelly Clarkson, to start with. Don't be afraid of the awesome power of the word fuck. Let it be your friend. By the way, FUCK!!!

Some Time Apart

As I am writing this, my husband and his band of merry men are conducting their fantasy football draft/poker night party. Right now, there are 13 stinky boys in my basement, eating wings and playing cards. I am the most understanding wife in the world. Well, at least according to my husband's friends. (Did I mention there is also an 8 foot G.I. Joe aircraft carrier down there too?)

I know the common phrase for women who are "abandoned" by their husband's during football season is "Football Widow." I prefer not to think of it as a death, as that seems awfully extreme. So, I choose to think of football season as just a little time apart. So, I guess you could say I am having a football "trial separation."

We still see each other, but the rules are much more rigid. We have to create a visitation schedule for the television. No more casual plans on Sundays together. The Redskins become his new "girlfriend" for the time being. They get more of his attention, because they are the "new thing." They'll tease him, and make him think he's special, but I know the truth. And, that truth is that they don't love him like I do. They are just a distraction from his real life. A way to escape the mundane, the everyday. But, I know that my husband is never really going to leave me for them. See, they always end up letting him down in the end. So, when he comes back to me, I am waiting there for him. And, when this whole "trial separation" is over, we can laugh about it. Until next August, when the party comes back through town. I shudder to think. . .

Look to the Cookie

No, this is not some lame-ass Seinfeld reference. It is in regards to the current world situation. As some of you may have noticed, I stole the Terror Alert Level/Sesame Street thing for my blog, and today it went all bonkers after the (hopefully) thwarted terror attempts in England. But, I dream of a day when we as a soceity will be at the Blue/Guarded, or, in this case, Cookie Monster threat level.

I don't believe we will ever be at Low/Green threat level/Oscar. But, I think, if we could just get to Cookie Monster, the world would be a better place. Then maybe, things would calm down a little and we could all be a little less afraid.

So people, join with me now. Let's do our part to keep hope alive. Shove cookies in your face at an alarming rate, and don't forget to sing a little song about it. Otherwise, the terrorists win.

I'm 'apposed to get pudding!

I've heard rumors of The State coming out on DVD, but until then, here are clips of my favorite skits. Awwww YEAH!!!

Louie -- $240 -- LuvSeat

Feel the love.

I Can Only Imagine

*This guy is living my dream. How do I get his job?

Oh my God, Did you see that?

So, I've mentioned it before, but, I've been to a lot of concerts lately. Which by default means, I see a lot of weird and funny shit. Not to sound like some old person, but, things have sure changed since I used to go to so many shows. But, on the plus side, there are a whole new class of interesting people to make fun of. The old favorites are still there, but they have been joined by a new generation of crazy. Half the reason I'm going to these concerts is the people watching. So, here is a short list of the greatest people you are going to see at a show.


*Overly Slutty Girl, with Parent--Now, the overly slutty girl at a concert is nothing new. But, what is new is the presence of a parent with her. Not dropping her off. There is no hiding the garb under baggy shirts and jackets and as soon as the parents drive off, she reveals her slutty wears. I mean, they are with her at the show, and have clearly approved the wardrobe before they left home. This is one that would have never happened to me, as my mom would have never let me don stilletos and a mini to go to concert, let alone stay for the show and rock with me. To that end. . .

*Moms and Dads in the crowd-- Again, this didn't really happen much in my day. Parents dropped you off, implored you to be good, and left, presumably to kill time until they had to begrudgingly pick you up. There was no staying. NONE! Now, they are everywhere. You can't swing a cat at shows without seeing them. And, more scary, are the one's that seem to be there alone. Rocking the concert tee and mom jeans, they are more and more common at shows these days.

*White guy with afro-- Again, these boys existed back in the day (Wednesday). But, they were at home doing math homework, busy trying to think of a way to tell Angela Chase they liked her. (if you don't get it, I can't help you) They were not rockin' the pit with the Goth kids.

*Costume/Prop Guy or Girl-- These committed folks love the band so much, they are willing to dress up in full regalia to show their devotion. This can include, depending on the situation: top hats, canes, corsets, veils, suits, suspenders, flower bouquets, teddy bears, full face make-up or any combination of these.

These people keep me busy before and after shows, as well as during shitty opening bands. So, thanks kids. I appreciate you. Keep on keepin' on.


June 5, 2005 thru July 25, 2006:

Concerts seen: 15
Total Bands/Acts seen: 27
Different Venues Visited: 12
Total distance traveled: Approx. 2200 miles
Average Ticket Price: $28
Partners in Crime: 3
Worth it?: Fucking right

This is War, Peacock!

When describing situations in life that are tough, most people go one of two ways. The analogy is either war or sports. I've decided to go with war. So, if you will permit me the hyperbole, I am going to put my current work situations into a new perspective. Join me at DEFCON 1, here we go.

I am currently engaged in two separate battles, in one big war for domination of my workplace environment. I am up against an enemy that threatens my very way of life with its actions. They don't seem to care who they hurt, just as long as they make their point. But, I refuse to let these coworkers make me afraid, or tell me how to live. Freedom will prevail.

The first battle was started some time ago. It started innocently enough, but in recent weeks has been escalated through a series of attacks and counter-attacks. The source of this battle? The radio. We have a choice of three horrible soft rock stations to listen to at work. I pick the least offensive one that still offers a few decent songs. The others, my foes in these battles for Sovereignty, choose the most offensive one of the bunch. We're talking about Tony Orlando and Dawn here, people. Every time I am out of the office, they change the station. Every time I come back, I change it back. This has been going on at a relentless pace for months now. I refuse to back down, and it appears they will continue with the sneak attacks, undaunted by my brazen daylight counter-offensives.

The other battle is new, and in my opinion, even more insidious. This battle threatens my very soul. The thermostat. Oh, yes. It appears that even though it is 90+ degrees outside, the skinny-minnie-jack-booted-thugs I am up against, still think the thermostat should say 79. I refuse to let that stand, and I turn it down to 74. Again, they employ sneak attacks to make their moves. I, again, opt for the straight forward, "shock and awe" approach of open air strikes. They also employ psychological warfare, by asking me if I am hot at a given moment. If I say no, they take that as an okay to change the temperature. They are sneaky, sneaky bastards.

So, I refuse to give up on either of these fronts. This war will be long, and there may not be any easy way out. But, I can't just cut and run, when things get a little tough. I have to stay and fight. My very survival just may depend on it. At the very least, my sanity and my comfort. Well, same thing, really.

F*&^% those Fireworks!!!

Here it is the 4th of July, when the majority of America is in celebratory mode. And, I find myself in the silent minority. The minority of people who have a deep and powerful hatred of fireworks.

I know this sounds like an odd thing to hate, but hear me out. I used to like fireworks, a bit. They were a special occasion kind of thing. You'd be dragged once a year to a field, or a parking lot, to view a big-ass show. You'd watch, you'd go home and that would be that. But, somewhere along the line, fireworks became this all-the-fucking-time kind of thing. Anything at all warranted fireworks. Other holidays started getting in on the act. Then it was parties. Then weddings. Home runs. Any excuse at all have fireworks.

But, I think it really all came to a head for me the summer I worked for a minor league baseball team. They had fireworks every Thursday and Saturday night. All summer long. So, not only did that mean we had to stay later those nights at work, but we had to watch the fireworks. Doesn't sound so bad? Have you ever stopped to consider what fireworks leave behind after they go off? Of course not. Why would you? But, the day you are asked to pick up tiny pieces of burnt debris from baseball field after a fireworks display, the joy is all but gone.

So, as I sit here, listening to my redneck neighbors set off their bottle rockets, I am reminded yet again of the fact that fireworks are truly the most annoying phenomenon on earth. Color me a non-patriot if you must, Toby Keith. I can take it. But, I still have to say, I FUCKING HATE FIREWORKS!!

Couldn't Agree More

I thought this Postsecret said it all. . .

Top 25 Albums, Part 5

5) Beastie Boys - Paul's Boutique
No matter how many records they put out, this one is still my favorite. I just think it is the most fun and the most interesting. "Sounds of Science" and "Shake Your Rump" still make me want to dance.

4) Dinosaur Jr - You're Living All Over Me
Seeing them in concert (finally) this year reminded me how much this album burned up my car stereo. As far as I'm concerned, this record is a must have.

3) Oasis - (What's the Story) Morning Glory
A record that made me appreciate how great a pop song can be. There was a time when I listened to this record non-stop for about 8 hours. And, it only made me love it more. Another great live band, too.

2) Cure - Disintegration
The Cure don't need to be justified.

AND THE ONE YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR > > > > >

1) The Smiths - The Queen is Dead
I know, I know, you're all sitting there saying "Meat is Murder" is better. But, fuck you, you are wrong. This album is by far and away better, and no one will ever convince me otherwise. A truly life-changing and influential record. It kind of changed the whole course of where my tastes were musically. Who hasn't wanted to hear someone say "To die by your side, well, the pleasure and the privilege is mine." Lyrically and sonically perfect.


So there it is, my list. Like it? Hate it? So be it. It was fun, though.

Top 25 Albums, Part 4

10) Sleater-Kinney - Dig Me Out
Sleater-Kinney first caught my attention with this record. It was hard to pick a favorite with these ladies, but I think this one still wins. They just announced their "indefinite hiatus." And, by some stroke of amazing luck, I'm catching one of their last shows in Philly on July 31st.

9) Pixies - Doolittle
I don't know what to say about this record that hasn't already been said. I just love it. It may be a little cliche, but I don't care.

8) Fugazi - 13 Songs
Amazing, amazing, amazing. "Waiting Room" is one of my all-time favorite songs. Can't think of a bad tune on this one.

7) Nine Inch Nails - Pretty Hate Machine
If there is one cure for wanting to put my fist through a plate glass window, it is cranking this CD up to 11 and screaming along. Also, it reminds me of some great times, oddly enough. Plus, you know how I feel about Trent.

6) Jane's Addiction - Ritual de lo Habitual
A better record from the 90's you'd be hard pressed to find. Another classic from my youth that I never get tired of. Still have the worn out cassette.

Jesus, Top 5 Again?!

*Dane, if you are going to persist in sleeping with Jessica Simpson, you're out! Welcome back Ewan McGregor to Number 4, I've missed you.

Top 25 Albums, Part 3

15) Bettie Serveert - Palomine
Top to bottom, their best record. Some damn catchy songs on this one. While I am a fan of their other albums as well, this is one that I can put on repeat and listen to all day. For the uninitiated, I would start here.

14) Hey Mercedes - Loses Control
I fucking love this band, and this record. They broke up in '04, but I still play this thing like it is going out of style. Almost all the tracks are some of the most-played songs on my iPod. I just never seem to get tired of it. As a matter of fact, I did my first post on this blog about this record.

13) Versus - The Stars are Insane
I am such a big fan of this band, this record and even all their side projects. Of which there are many. So much of this album reminds me of tremendously good times. It is fall back record for any occasion. I feel it is their best.

12) Green Day - Dookie
As a product of the 90's, this record made a huge splash. Fast, fun and catchy, it was the non-stop companion to my late high school years. Perfect for driving around to.

11) That Dog - Retreat from The Sun
These bitches can harmonize like nobody's business. They kick it with the violin and keyboards and still rock really hard. This one is also attached to a lot of good times. Great album to sing with, as long as you have some friends with you to sing back up.

Top 25 Albums, Part 2

20) Dead Milkmen - Beelzebubba
These guys crack me up. They are silly, geeky and write the funniest songs. "Stuart" made such a big impression on me that it became my senior quote in my yearbook. Of course, this is also the record that contains "Punk Rock Girl" which brought them their MTV success. I still fancy this one the best, although you really can't go wrong with most of their catalogue.

19) Missy Higgins - The Sound of White
Going on a trip to Australia brought me many things, including some great Aussie music. Missy Higgins is a cute-as-a-button singer/songwriter that sings about love, loss and finding your own way. Her songs got us over the Pacific Ocean and trailed us down the Great Ocean Road. It is all at once sad and beautiful. For someone so young, she packs such an emotional punch. If you've never heard her, do yourself a favor and check her out.

18) Liz Phair - Whipsmart
Everyone always says her best record is "Exile in Guyville", but I disagree. I think that Whipsmart is by far her best. Despite all the recent cries of sellout from the hipsters, I still think that Liz Phair is a rockin' indie chick.

17) Velocity Girl - Simpatico
Sweet and infectious pop songs. That is what Velocity Girl does.

16) Descendents - All
When I first heard "Coolidge", I fell in love with the Descendents. West coast punk at it's finest.

Top 25 Albums, Part 1

Well, here it is. My Top 25 albums. These albums all mean a great deal to me. They either mark a significant time in my life, a real turning point for me musically or they just plain kick ass. Sorry, there is really no profound new ground here. No Miles Davis, Beatles or anything like that. Just the stuff that keeps me going to this day; the stuff that never gets old and probably never will. The stuff that, for the most part, takes me back to a great place in my life. And, to a large extent, became the soundtrack to my life.

25) Madonna - Like a Virgin
This was the first LP I owned that didn't have a picture of Barbie on it. It was also from a time when I loved, nay, worshiped Madonna. I had my walls plastered with her pictures, the jelly bracelets, everything. I memorized every dance and every move. She was sexy, intimidating and awesome. I wanted to be her so bad, but knew I never could. The songs, in my opinion, are still her best.

24) Cyndi Lauper - She's So Unusual
If Madonna was the sexy woman I could never be, Cyndi was the crazy chick I could be if my parents would just let me dye my hair orange. She was manic and fun and an amazing song writer. "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" is still one of my favorite songs. It was a battle cry, before I was even old enough to know what kind of "fun" I wanted to have. Classic.

23) The The - Mind Bomb
Edgy, moody, British. All the things that us young and clueless hipsters wanted so desperately to be. This album was full of dark images, religion, sex and Matt Johnson's amazing and haunting voice. It didn't hurt that my brother's college roommate was a fan, and I had a huge crush on him. It was just perfect for the budding rebel in me.

22) They Might Be Giants - Flood
One of my all time favorite albums to sing along to. It was full of the most ridiculous and fun songs. Whether or not they make any sense, I can't tell you. But, who needs to understand "Triangle Man" or "Birdhouse in Your Soul"? You just love them. And, I did. Still one album that can always lift my mood.

21) Ween - The Pod
The first Ween LP I owned. Amazing, crazy and full of so much energy. These guys were as weird as anything I had ever heard, and I fell in love with their outrageous style. They were quasi-local and it made them seem more accessible and down to earth. The legend is the boys had mono when they recorded this record, and that supposedly led to the craziness. Who knows? While subsequent releases may be "better" this one will always be my favorite.

So, there are the first 5, more to come. . .

A Challenge

I was catching up with an old friend tonight, and we got to talking about picking our favorite albums, and how impossible it always seems. I have always put people off when they ask me this kind of stuff with my ever popular "I just like too much shit to pick." Well, he has thrown down the gauntlet, and I am to come up with my Top 25 albums, so we'll see how it goes. I need some time to prepare, but it should be coming soon. I don't like to think too much on these things. I just let it kind of happen, as I feel it. If I'm honest with myself, I know the albums that I like the best. They may not be on the Rolling Stone or Spin "Top any-fucking-thing-we-can-think-of list", but they are mine.

So, okay Croom. You want answers? Let's see if you can handle the truth. I shall be expecting your list as well. (Although, I'll let you slide on time due to the baby and all)


*Apparently, people seem to think I go to a lot of concerts. So, why not a couple more? She Wants Revenge on July 13 and the Waifs on August 3.

*13 shows in one year's time too much? NEVER!!

Great Expectations

As you all know, I've been going to a lot of concerts lately. Every time I'm getting ready to go, I am giddy with anticipation. I can't wait to see the band, hear what their going to play, creating my dream set list in my head. I admit, when paying money to see a band, I have certain expectations.

I want to see passion, I want to see excitement, and yes, I want to hear the hits. I don't think this is too out of the ordinary. No one wants to see the Stones and not hear "Satisfaction." I am not, however, one of those people who feels the need to call out song names. That has always irritated me. Because, if it's the name of a popular song, you have to think that it occurred to the band to play it, before you mentioned it. And, if it's obscure, the person is so obviously doing it to try and sound hip and cool.

When we saw Dinosaur Jr, they had reformed the original line up, so they were not going play anything but the first three albums, which featured the original members. That was fine with me, but I'm sure there were some in the crowd upset by not hearing "Feel the Pain." The first two times I saw Morrissey, I remember talking with friends about how great it would have been to hear some old Smiths tunes. But, he didn't play them. Now he does. Most bands, if they've been around for a while, could play for hours and still not get to everything, so sometimes you just have to let some of the big songs go. It may suck, but it's a fact of life. Nine Inch Nails didn't play "Hurt", but I am willing to overlook it, since they kicked ass.

And, don't make me beg you for an encore. I am more than fine with you just playing for about 2 hours and then saying goodnight. Don't leave the stage and make me clap for 10 minutes to bring you back, when you were going to anyway. I understand that encores have become the norm, but I could do without them. Just play the show and let me go, especially if I've had to stand all night. I'm old you know, I can't do it anymore.

And, please for the love of God, don't be one those artists who disowns their old work, and wants to "live in the present." (Yes, Madonna and Billy Corgan, I'm talking to you) Those songs made you, and if you never recorded and sang them, you wouldn't be where you are today. So, listen guys, if you have that monster hit, you're going to be playing it forever. Deal with it. I'm sure the money and the stuff and the thousands of adoring fans can lessen the pain. Remember why you loved it so much in the first place, and let's hear it. . . Once more, with feeling. . .

Top 5 Revisited

After seeing Nine Inch Nails in Camden last night, several things became clear to me. First, they put on one of the most amazing shows I've ever seen. Intensity: they've got it. And, we had primo 7th row seats, thanks to Danielle's membership in "The Spiral." But, the second thing was that Trent Reznor was looking even more delicious than I remember. He was hot. Clearly, I have been remiss in not putting him on the Top 5. And after last night, when he told me, yet again, that he wants to fuck me like an animal, who am I to not oblige?

Also, there is another person that has been sneaking into my mind more and more and I feel is worthy of the Top 5 list. Dane Cook, congratulations, you silly bitch. You made it. So, whenever you want to do me, just let me know thru myspace.com


So, here it is, the new Top 5.

1) Henry Rollins
2) Dave Grohl
3) Trent Reznor
4) Dane Cook
5) Jon Stewart

So, sorry Messrs. Jackman and McGregor. Your sideburns and claws and cinematic full-frontal nudity (respectively) are no match for Trent's arms and that voice, and Dane silliness and his chest. But, don't lose hope. You never know what might happen. I'm apparently very fickle.

Death Be Not Proud

For some reason, everyone wants to talk about death lately. Recently, I was at work and my boss said something I found interesting. He said that when someone dies, it "makes us think about our own mortality." All I could think was that he had obviously never lost anyone close to him.

Sure, in the abstract, someone dying, be it a star or even someone you know a little bit, makes us think about our own death. But, when you lose someone important to you, it's not a reminder. It's not "a shame." It is a total and complete devastation. It doesn't make you think "Oh shit, I'm going to die some day." It stops everything. It means that the person you love and lived with is never walking through the door again. No more plans to be made, no more good times. It's all over. That is not abstract. It is pain, and it is real. I don't wish the pain of loss on anyone, but when I hear people make pithy comments about death, it makes me furious.

I am far beyond the point where death is an abstract concept in my life. I don't need a reminder of my own mortality. In fact, most people I know have felt far more devastation and pain than anyone deserves. Dying is unfathomable. I know people say silly things to comfort themselves and others. But, there is no comfort. Except maybe time, and for some, that is debatable. And, that is the sad lesson everyone will learn someday.

MGL - 10/45 - 4/06

Name That Stripper!!

I am Lola Velvet-Hooter. Indeed. What's your stipper name? Use these instructions to find out.

1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new firstname:
a = Fantasia
b = Chesty
c = Starr
d = Diamond
e = Montana
f = Angel
g = Sugar
h = Mimi
i = Lola
j =Kitty
k = Roxie
l = Dallas
m = Princess
n = Heidi
o = Bambi
p = Bunny
q = Brandy
r = Sugar
s = Candy
t = Raquelle
u = Sapphire
v = Cinnamon
w = Blaze
x = Trixie
y = Isis
z = Jade

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:
a = Leather
b = Dream
c = Sunny
d = Deep
e = Heaven
f = Tight
g = Shimmer
h = Velvet
i = Lusty
j = Harley
k = Passion
l = Dazzle
m = Dixon
n = Spank
o = Glitter
p = Razor
q = Meadow
r = Glitz
s = Sparkle
t = Sweet
u = Silver
v = Tickle
w = Cherry
x = Hard
y = Night
z = Amber

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:
a = hooter
b = horn
c = tower
d = fire
e = thighs
f = hips
g = side
h = jugs
i = shock
j = cocker
k = brook
l = tush
m = sizzle
n = ridge
o = kiss
p = bomb
q = cream
r = thong
s = heat
t = whip
u = cheeks
v = rock
w = hiney
x = button
y = lick
z = juice

Inky's Dream House

Everyone likes to play the game, of what you would do if you won the lottery. I like to envision my "dream house" and what it would contain. I would showcase it all in some MTV Cribs-style documentary, so everyone could be jealous. So here are a few must-haves for the new pad.

Closets
1. The hangers would be so fine, they would never leave shoulder nipples on anything.
2. A closet that would have a separate area for all my cherished items. These would include my shoes, cardigans, purses, t-shirts and accessories.
3. A chaise lounge in the center of the room and a chandelier a'la Mariah.

Bathrooms
1. Jacuzzi tub and a separate steam shower.
2. Separate cabinets for all my products, even though I barely use any
3. Flat screen tv and phone, for all those important calls on the crapper.

General
1. The house would be wired for sound, so I could have tunes in every room
2. Library and music room with built in shelves and those ladders like bookstores have
3. Professional kitchen so my man can cook me up some fine grub
4. Pool, fully staffed with boys in tight shorts
5. Fleet of cars, including a Mini, 2 Nash Metropolitans (one black, one pink), Vespa and a mechanic with big hands
6. Game room with Ms. Pacman, pool table, and full bar
7. Home theatre with popcorn machine, and no one is allowed to talk

These are just some of the many things I would do with my winnings. What about you?

Dumbass in Distress

I encounter crazy people everyday. And, yesterday, I met a woman who took the cake. While being forced to help her, she started talking to me. In the process of the conversation, she mentioned that she had a new car, but she couldn't figure out where the air conditioning was, and how to turn it on. One of the men in the building offered to help her, and of course she jumped at the chance, since it was about 90 degrees outside.

Why is it that men fall for these stupid, or stupid-acting, women who can't seem to do anything for themselves? Could be I'm just jealous. Because I don't do this. So that means I'm stuck opening my own doors, carrying my own boxes, and yes, finding my own air conditioning. But, men are only too willing to aid these women, because most of the time they are attractive, and let's face it, not very bright. A tempting treat to most guys looking to score, or at least get a cheap ogle. Men always use the excuse that they are "just trying to be helpful", but if that were the case, their charity would be far more universal. But, as most women can tell you, that is not the case.

Now, I know not ever girl who does this is stupid. It is the height of manipulation to use your "charms" to get what you want when you know that people, men in particular, will fulfill your every request because you are semi-hot. And, to those women I say, shame on you. May you all have to live as a average woman for one day of your life, and do your own bidding.

But, this woman I encountered was truly stupid. Come on, not knowing how to turn on a car air conditioner? That is a new all time low for helplessness. In nature, she would be killed next to the watering hole by the hungry lion. But, in our society, she will get by, will the help of others. While not attractive, per se, she does possess the winning combo of thin and blonde that will no doubt carry her straight through life, unscathed.

And, before you tell me I'm just a fat, ugly, bitter, old hag; let me just say to you. . .I am not old.

War Torn

I sat and watched Baghdad ER tonight, and I cried. I saw this huge, young Marine get operated on, after taking shrapnel to the chest from an IED. He wouldn't stop bleeding, and it became clear that he was going to die soon. The chaplain leaned down and said to him that they wanted him to fight. But, if he couldn't fight anymore, it was okay to let go. And, he died. While it was happening, this group of doctors and nurses prayed over his body. Then he was gone.

The soldier didn't know this chaplain, but at least he had someone there, telling him it was okay, and that he wasn't alone. How many soldiers over there have had to die all alone, blown up on the side of some sand road? If you have ever had to tell someone you love, lying in a bed dying, that it was okay to let go, you know it is the hardest thing you will ever have to do. And, this chaplain had to do it way too much I'm sure. He may not know these young soldiers, but you could see how much he cared for all of them.

When will all of this stop? When is it ever going to be enough?

Anakin = Vadar

Okay, it's official. I am now a member of the dark side. I'm on myspace.com. I know, I swore I would never, but alas, here I am. So, fine all you people who have been bugging me since god know's when: I'm here, I'm lacking in friends, what are you going to do about it?

Unrelated Events

Just a few things to let everyone know I am still alive.

*Being kind of new to this whole 9/11 conspiracy thing, I was shocked when I watched this movie about the theories surrounding the events. Whether you believe it or not . . . fascinating as hell. (PS If I go missing, I'm at Gitmo)

*Just got the book from the Harvard girl, I'll let you know how it is.

*Trying to decide if I want to bag the idea of the 30th birthday party, and just go to Vegas. Opinions?

*Got someone in trouble at work today, felt good. Am I horrible?

*Add Margaret Cho to the ongoing and never-ending list of concerts for me. July 6th.

I'll write more when there is more to say.

The Cribs: The New Fellas

There is nothing worse on earth than going to see a concert and having to sit through a shitty opening act. Most of the time, I skip the opening act entirely, if their reputation precedes them. But, on my recent pilgrimage to see Franz Ferdinand and Death Cab for Cutie with my cousin, the Cribs were the opening band. Not knowing a thing about them, and with no where else to go, we decided to listen. I'm glad we did. These Brits, in keeping with the tradition of acts like Babyshambles and the Libertines, rocked.

The threesome from Wakefield, England, kicked through song after song of snotty, energetic pop. So, I decided to go out and buy the record. While lacking a little energy of the live show, I have to say the record did not disappoint. Tracks like "Hey Scenesters!" and "Mirror Kisses" showcase the band's pop-punk energy and swagger best. Top to bottom, I have to say that the Cribs certainly know how to get your head bobbing. So, go put on your tightest pants, your most ironic Girl Scout t-shirt, your horn-rimmed glasses and listen to the Cribs rock like only nerdy Brit boys can. You won't be sorry.

Hits Just Keep on Coming . . .

* Two more shows added to the schedule *
Missy Higgins on June 8th at the Canal Room in NYC
Cat Power on June 10th at the Town Hall in NYC

#44

I have been absent from my blog lately. Mostly due to the fact that I have been completely uninspired. I haven't been feeling strongly about anything, at least not anything good, and I find I dwell too much on the bad shit as it is. So, why write about the bad, when I can't even think of anything funny to say about it.

I am attributing this feeling to the fact that I am thinking back to a year ago. When I was climbing bridges, swimming with the fish, holding wild animals in my arms and driving on the wrong side of the road. This time last year, we were in Australia, and having the time of our lives. On this day, last year, we were getting ready to spend our second-last day in Sydney. I'll never forget turning a corner and seeing one of the most famous buildings, the Sydney Opera House, for the first time. We shopped for records, and probably walked 15+ miles in one day. Then, we jetted to Cairns, and dove on the Great Barrier Reef, held a koala at the Kuranda Animal Sanctuary, and cruised the harbor by the light of a million new stars. Then, we finished in Melbourne, quite possibly the coolest city ever. We drove the Great Ocean Road, cruised the Queen Victoria Markets and ate delicious muffins in a garden sanctuary in the middle of the city.

This year, I am here. There is no awe-inspiring view from my window. No wild adventures waiting when I wake up, no jet lagged laughing sessions in the middle of the night. Just work, home, and waking up to more of the same. So, sorry for the lack of posts. I'll be back to (relatively) normal soon. Until then, I'm ten thousand miles away.

Too Much Edgy

Friday night. At home. Nothing to do. You flip through the channels on the television, hoping to find something that will at least pass the time. Well, I hit paydirt this past friday. It was the Miss USA pageant, live from Baltimore, Maryland. Hosted by Nancy O'Dell and the hottest Lachey left, Drew.

Miss USA is kind of the less attractive, less intelligent version of the Miss America pageant. This one is owned by one Donald Trump. So you know it's extra classy. Having missed the very beginning of the pageant, we had to pick it up during the swimsuit portion of the show. In Miss USA, all the ladies wear the same bikini. Gold, with sparkles. More noticeable, is their apparent leniency towards going under the knife. There were most definitely some surgically enhanced breasts there, and most likely some noses too.

And, let's not forget the celebrity judges. This crop was impressive to say the least. Hines Ward of the Superbowl champ Steelers, Jillian Barberie, Olympic champ Chad Hedrick and of course, Donald Trump Jr. They were the ones who got to ask the hard hitting, all important final question of the 5 finalists, Kentucky, California, Ohio, Florida, and Georgia. Miss California and Miss Ohio actually did a fine job. But the other three, oh dear lord.

First was Georgia, who informed Hines Ward that what men could learn from women was that they are "strong" because she wore high heels everyday for 3 weeks straight. Miss Florida informed us that society is too PC in the "Department of Religion" and basically managed to befuddle the Donald Jr. And, our winner, Miss Kentucky. Well, she is responsible for the title of this post. She was asked about pop stars and whether they were role models. She said that they were mostly, "Too much edgy" for young girls to look up to. And, thus, cemented her place at the head of the pack. She lists her ability to communicate with anyone as her strongest asset. I hope the ability to notice irony will soon replace that one. But, maybe I am being mean to our Miss Kentucky. To be fair, she did have a nice rack, and I'm sure all that money and make up will come in handy with her future plans of being really pretty and not very smart.

Oh, did I mention that she likes to scrapbook?

Angry Inky's Day Off

Last week, I played hooky from work. I don't often do this, usually if I'm taking off work, clearly it's for a live music performance. But, I woke up that morning and thought "How can I possibly be expected to face work on a day like this." And, what better way to honor the 20th (can you fucking believe that?) anniversary of the classic Ferris Bueller's Day Off then with a day off of my own. After calling in with some lame-ass excuse, I was free. So, of course the first thing I did was go back to bed for like 3 more hours. Then, I got up and got to spend the day with my hubby, went for a drive, had lunch, dodged the afore-mentioned religious tactical team, and basically just had a great, fun day while the others toiled and scraped.

There is a lot to be said for the mental health day, and especially now that the weather is great, I encourage you all to do the same. Go ahead, steal the 1961 Ferrari 250 GT California, go to the city, have lunch at the "snooty. . .snotty" restaurant, and then race home so you don't get busted. Whatever you choose, enjoy it. Remember, life is short, but work is long.

SAVE FERRIS!!

Baby, Baby, It's a Wild World

I couldn't resist doing a post to welcome little Cameron into the world. Jesse and Hayley, Congratulations. He is adorable!
You're going to make me catch the baby rabies.

He Has Risen!

For the last several days, we've had stalkers in our neighborhood. We have tried hiding from them, we have tried outrunning them, but they seem to find us anyway. You know them, you've seen them. The door-to-door religion salesmen that come to everyone's home eventually. For whatever reason, be it the weather or the season, they are out in force around our house. We have literally ran to our car, in an effort to get out of town before they could shove their literature into our hands. We have returned home only to be confronted with them, knocking on the door of an unsuspecting neighbor, turning as soon as they hear our car doors close.

I'm not sure I really understand what these people are hoping to accomplish. Like coming to me during my leisure hours will convince me to convert to your way of thinking. Or that I just haven't heard about Jesus yet, and maybe if you give me a pithy pamphlet, I'll finally know what all the fuss has been about all these years. Whatever the motivation, let me assure you that no matter what may happen to me, I'm not going to come to a religious epiphany with you on my doorstep, or because you tell me to. It is just not how I operate.

But, thank you, dear proselytizer. Without your appearance, I wouldn't get much needed laughs thinking of ways to make you uncomfortable. So, cheers. And, hey, by the way. . .would you be interested in learning all about Satan?

Geek Squad Must Die!!

We've been having some computer woes. We thought that getting some new virus and spyware stuff would fix it. But, it didn't. We saw a commercial for those Geek Squad guys at Best Buy, and we thought it was something we should look into, as we were coming to the end of our ropes. We took it down, they said they could install the new hooey and that everything else looked fine. Turns out not so much. We were told by them that something else was wrong and they wanted $59 and A WEEK to find it. Not even to fix it, just to find it. So, we told them no thanks and went down to pick it up. At this point, I was very angry and stressed out. So, when we go down to get it, the Geek starts getting our stuff together. Then, he tells us we have to buy the software anyway, even though he couldn't install it, because they opened the package. I was so pissed off I could barely see straight. Then, the guy says, "You seem a little stressed, is there something I can do for you?" In this really snotty voice. I almost jumped over the counter and beat this little snot-nosed punk to death. But, cooler heads (my husbands) prevailed. When I tell him they coulddn't help me, obviously, he said, "Well, we offered to run the diagonstic but you said no" I was ready to beat him again. Who the hell is this guy to patronize me when not only am I having to pay for shit I can't use, but then he can't even fix the damn thing. So, he is lucky to still be alive right now.

SO, to all my readers and anyone else out there. DON'T TAKE YOUR COMPUTERS TO THE GEEK SQUAD AT BEST BUY!!! They are clueless, mean and overpriced. Luckily, our friend Jon, has a brother-in-law who can fix computers. It took him one hour and he didn't even need to do that much to it. So, Ricky, you are the man. Geek Squad, you best recognize that when you can't even figure out what is going on with a computer, you best not talk shit!!

Can We All Agree?

Can we all agree that:

*Air marshals who are meant to protect us and America should not be taking bribes and smuggling blow.

*People who work for Homeland Security should not be soliciting sex online from someone he thinks is 14.

*Now apparently singing along with a classic Clash tune is grounds for arrest. If this is where we are in the war on terror, we are all screwed.

*I know more than a few people who should look into this unusual online auction item.


Sometimes the world of the news is more strange than the soaps. Tonight is Dinosaur Jr. Can't wait. Will have more to say about that later.

For the Last Time

I had to wear the Puffy Paint shirt for the last time today. Thank God.

A Little Bit of Everything

So, I just wanted to throw some random stuff out there.

*Love Monkey has been picked up by VH1. No new episodes have been ordered, but the remaining shows that were shot, but never aired on CBS are starting April 18th at 9:00pm.

*If you are into the indie rock, and like quizzes, take this one. I am Bikini Kill, don't you know.

*Check out Anthony's perspective on the Britney Spear's statue.

*I've added another concert to my list. My cousin and I will be seeing Nine Inch Nails in Camden, NJ in June.

*Should I see Ween? Post and let me know what you think.

*I have to wear a puffy-painted shirt to work tomorrow. It is a new low in my hellish world.

Well, that does it for now. More to come . . .

Jazmin, She's no Princess

I'm sure you've all heard of the show "My Super Sweet Sixteen" on MTV. If not, well, consider yourself informed. I've seen it several times, and I've watched it the same way you watch a car wreck. But, a particular episode caught my eye recently. It was the story of Jazmin and her rags to riches life. She was a foster child and she was adopted by a super rich couple in Erie, PA. And, in one short year, she went from poor girl in the slums to the most superficial, mean and spoiled girl I think I have ever seen on that show. And that is saying a lot.

Jazmin flies off to NY for a little dress shopping, in the family private plane, but turns bitchy when her "friend" Brittany tries on dresses too. Then, when casting lifeguards for her beach themed party, Brittany invites guys over that Jazmin just doesn't like. So, after shopping for a sports car with her, Brittany is told that she is no longer a "VIP" (one of Jazmin's other friends had to ask what it meant) and can't ride to the party in the limo. An attempt by Brittany to call Jazmin is met with the VIP's laughing at her and telling her that Jazmin is busy, even though Brittany can hear her voice. My favorite part of the show is when Jazmin is telling the others that Brittany is out of the VIP's. One of them asks why, and another random girl says, "Because she's short, fat and has a big nose." The girl is taller than Jazmin, probably weights 90 pounds and well, I don't remember her nose.

This show is just another example of the tragedy that is the youth of today. This girl came from nothing, and forgot about decency and kindness as soon as she was shown the benjamins. The one highlight of the show was watching the vapid little frog-face fail her permit test. As a PA resident, I can tell you, it's about the easiest thing in the world.

But, don't worry Jazmin, that $50,000 BMW more than makes up for the fact that you have no soul. When you crash it, I'm sure you breast-implant-having mom and you face-lift having dad will just buy you a new one.

*New episodes of the madness return to MTV on April 12th.

Couldn't Have Said it Better

"It is against stupidity, in every shape and form, that we have to wage our eternal battle."

-William Booth

How The Light Gets In

I picked up this book on a whim on Saturday night, and I am already finished with it. I actually finished it Monday. It is always great when a book is that good that I just want to keep reading and reading until I finish it.

How The Light Gets In, by M.J. Hyland, is a story of Louise (Lou for short), a Sydneysider who enters an exchange program to the US, to get the hell out of her crappy flat and crappy life. She is a genius, (who just happens to be poor) and feels unloved and alone in her family. So, she arrives in America, in the Chicago suburbs, hoping for a new life and to find a way to stay away from her old one. She has every good intention of being everything her host family, The Hardings, want her to be. But, it doesn't really work out that way. She finds herself struggling to fit into their perfect, suburban life that is so foreign from her own, and starts failing miserably.

There are no upbeat emotional breakthroughs, family togetherness or happy endings. But, there is a real, well written story of broken expectation, both of ourselves and others. I find it hard to believe that this is only Hyland's first novel. It's truly a departure from the usual fodder that features a female main character. So, check out How The Light Gets In for a truly original and amazingly poignant story.

Morrissey: Ringleader of the Tormentors

I know the album doesn't come out until next week, but I have been listening to it constantly over the last several days on his page on myspace.com. And, I can say without reservation, that it is absolutely amazing. Ringleader of the Tormentors (great title, by the way) was recorded in Rome, where Morrissey is still residing. And, while he may still be melancholy, this album rocks like I haven't heard since Your Arsenal came out. But, perhaps most shocking of all, we get a little bit of overt sexuality from the cagey(is he gay or asexual?) singer.

Tracks like the first single, You Have Killed Me, are as classic a Morrissey track as you will ever find. But, it is the song, Dear God Please Help Me, that has all the critics and people talking. With the lines "there are explosive kegs/between my legs", "I am spreading your legs/with mine in between " and "he motions to me/with his hand on my knee", the song of longing and lust seems to have everyone in a tizz. So, take it seriously or not, it definitely helps set the tone for the soaring and, at times, upbeat record. The 7 minute mini-epic Life is a Pigsty divides the record and takes the listener on a twisting journey. Overall, there are really no let downs on this record, and may be one of his strongest in years.

So, come April 4th, I will be picking up the new Morrissey, and be praying that he will come to my town soon, to grace us with his shirt-tossing stage theatrics. Until then, I will just have to settle for listening to the CD. . . wearing all black. . . with the lights off. . . in the rain. . .

Daydream Believer

Sometimes in life, we lose things. An item that was once so dear to us, suddenly vanishes. It could be because of a move, a bout of house cleaning or a desire to "simplify." But, sometimes, you want the item back and you become obsessed with finding it. For times like these, I thank my lucky stars that eBay exists.

It has brought great things back into my life, like a My Little Pony that I once owned and lost. Or the villainous Sour Grapes from Strawberry Shortcake. My sister managed to find both of these for me on eBay and brought them back to me again. It was so great.

Since then, I have used eBay for many things, but my quest for two items in particular has been a true eBay adventure. The first item was a black Swatch that I purchased in Switzerland when I was 16 years old. It had black hands and numbers on a black face and it was the coolest. Somewhere along the way, I lost this watch, and was devastated. My honey bought me a cool Swatch as a replacement, but it just wasn't the same. Several attempts to find the watch on eBay were fruitless, and I lost a bid for one I thought was it. But, I finally found THE watch and it was the best possible scenario. A "Buy it Now" in my price range. So, I snapped it up, PayPal'd it and it should be here soon. I am elated to have the watch I loved so back in my life. I just won't be able to know the time at the movies.

But, the quest that has eluded me so far, is the search for my beloved Prairie Flower. She was a dusty-pink, banana-seat bike and I loved her. She came with a brown basket and a bell, and I thought I was the shit on this bike. For some reason the bike was sold, or given away to some cousin's cousin. No one is quite sure what happen to her, but she is gone. And, I want her back. I don't have any really great pictures of me on the bike, but someday, I will have her again. Someday, I will type the words into eBay, and there she will be. And, I don't care what it takes, I will have her home again.

Some one out there has a Prairie Flower, and will someday want to clean out the garage or the shed and think, "How about I sell it on eBay?" I will be waiting patiently for that day. Until then, I will dream of riding down the road on my own Prairie Flower, wind in my hair, my bell ringing in my ears. I miss you, girl.

Office Space

If you have never seen this movie, I don't want to know you. Any person who has ever had a job needs to see this movie. It was on television this weekend, and of course I watched it yet again.

I think the reason that this movie speaks to so many people, is that every character in it reminds you of someone from your real life. We all have the "weird phone answer lady" and middle management overbearing type who just won't shut up. And, the situations are true to life. Who hasn't wanted to sidestep and walk by the boss when you know a lecture is coming? Who hasn't wanted to set the building on fire when they take away your kick-ass red stapler?

But, the king of them all is the boss himself, Bill Lumbergh. The clueless, Porche driving asshole that makes everyone's life a living hell. The fact that one of my bosses actually drove a blue Porche just made it all the better for me. The funny part about it, is that even bosses love this movie, because they are deluded enough to think that they are not like that. But, the sad truth is that even the best boss has had Lumbergh moments. They can't help it. Once you get into that position, it just happens. So, be forewarned. Anyone who doesn't think this movie is funny is evil. And, I know a few.

So, if you hate your job, even a little, watch this movie. You'll be glad you did.

*For those of you waiters out there, check out Waiting. Kind of the same thing, only in a restaurant.

I'm Going to Live Forever

So, I'm innocently passing the time at work today on the internet, and I come across this article on The Age (Melbourne newspaper). It turns out a German study revealed that people who are forced by their jobs to be genial and nice all day, are more likely to be sick. Apparently all this mass-marketed and forced friendliness that I am required to give all day will drive me into an early grave. As if my job didn't suck bad enough, now I have to worry that all the fake smiles I dole out every day will give me a freakin' heart attack.

The study says that faking emotions leads to depression and that in turn lowers your immune system. And, if you do it long enough, in addition to random shooting sprees, it can lead to long term health problems. And, when you are forced to swallow big old handfuls of shit from belligerent people, not expressing yourself is actually harder on your heart than if you speak your mind and just tell them they are a douchbag. To quote the study "Being friendly against one's will causes nothing but stress." Amen, my sister.

Deadboy and the Elephantmen: We are Night Sky

Okay, okay. So they sound a little like the White Stripes, and consist of the same type of line up of one woman and one man. They work the same style of minimalist blues rock, just like the WS. But, I think that they put their own stamp on the style that has made the WS popular.

The voice of Dax Riggs is far less grating than Jack White, far less whining and more brooding low end on his voice. He warbles and moans all the same, but it is to much better effect and works better in the songs. Tessie Brunet's drumming is more inspired and while still somewhat rudimentary, often has the power to lift a song to more anthemic crescendo than Ms. White ever could.

The title track stands out on the record, taking the slow, plodding start and bringing it up into a catchy, upbeat chorus. Other great tunes are No Rainbow and Walking Stick, which feature Brunet's amazing soaring vocals.

I've been playing this record almost every day since I got it, and I'm convinced that the White Stripes have nothing on this band. But, don't take my word for it. Check it out for yourself.

Back From the Dead

I suppose I spoke too soon. That cold I vanquished so easily before was apparently pissed at me for making fun of it, so it came back and punched me right in the head. So, after ruining my four day weekend and making me miss more work (okay, that part is fine) the cold is finally letting me out of its grasp.

I've been pretty boring lately, as I've been either asleep or half asleep for about 5 days. So, hopefully I will have something more interesting to report soon. Just wanted everyone to know I wasn't dead.

Stone Cold Concert Crazy

Tis the season, it seems, to go to as many concerts as humanly possible. It all started last year with two trips to Atlantic City, to see Missy Higgins and Henry Rollins, respectively. Followed by Death Cab for Cutie. Then, again this February, as you all know, we saw Hank again. And, now it is truly on. Till the break of dawn. On March 22, it is Jenny Lewis and the Watson Twins. Then, on March 29, it is David Sedaris. Come April, it is Dinosaur Jr on the 4th (the reformed original line up, I'll have you know), followed closely by Death Cab for Cutie (again, naturally)/Franz Ferdinand on April 8th. We kick off May with Lisa Loeb on the 1st. Then, the shows continue into the summer, when my mom and I will be rocking to Kenny Rogers in August.

I'm sure there will be more, but as of right now, I'm a little booked up.

Going to concerts was something I did a lot, back in the day (which was Wednesday, by the way). Then there was a long dry spell where I just didn't go to many concerts. And, during that time a lot of bands that I really liked, and never saw live, broke up. And, I got really tired of that happening. Missing the chance to see Hey Mercedes, a band I truly love, was the last straw. I decided, No More. Now, if you are near me, look out, because I am going to try and see you. And, it has opened the flood gates for what I am doing now. Stay tuned for reviews, experiences and so on. . .

Together Everyone Hates Being Together

So, it's that time again at work. More team building crap that I can't stand. We were informed recently that for two weeks, last week and this week, it is Team Appreciation time and the powers that be have decided to "appreciate" us with the sum of $10 each, in which to buy us food, or pointless crap. So, we have decided to go out to dinner, but of course we have to pay for our own booze. And, it also means giving up my free time to hang out with people that I can't stand for the most part anyway.

But, the big news is how we are celebrating the team togetherness shit. We had to endure a photo session today, one as a group and then each of us individually. Which. I. Can't. Stand. And, with the group photo, my boss is going to have it made into a jigsaw puzzle. Then we are going to put it together, and then frame it, and then hang it up. There are no words for how stupidly symbolic and utterly lame this venture is. And, we were all supposed to think this was a brilliant way to build team spirit. Right. It is beyond me how people can buy into this crap. Decide that this shit is actually important, and that a puzzle of us actually means something. People who create team building exercises, and those who delight in them need to die. Right now. They are now and always on the ever growing list of people I love to hate.

The Children

People say that the joys of parenthood are like nothing else on earth. That the unconditional love you feel is overwhelming. I have to say that I agree. Of course, I have no children. But, I do have a baby of sorts. We actually have two. They are our MP3 players, one Apple iPod named Otis, Odie for short. And, one Dell Deejay that goes simply by DJ. Odie is a momma's boy, for sure, while DJ is definitely more like his old man. And, while I love DJ, I can't help but admit that I play favorites with Odie.

Now, I know what you are thinking. It is terrible and wrong to compare a piece of electronics with a child. And, you know what? You're right. But, my Odie is special to me. I treat him with unconditional love and respect. I feed him, clothe him and keep him safe and warm. (Because if you leave him in the cold, the battery drains.) I have, like all parents, fallen victim to buying my baby the latest accessories and trinkets all the other kids have. I can't say no when Odie asks me for more songs to fill up his hungry 40G belly. He smiles at me with that big, bright screen and I just can't say no. He never lets me down, and he always knows just what Mommy wants to hear. He plays me, but I have to say, I play him too.

While there is a little sibling rivalry between our two boys, they are both loved and adored. They are never far from our thoughts, or sights, and we brag on them constantly. I look forward to every minute we spend together, and I can't wait to watch my little Odie grow and grow (at least until the memory is filled). So, forgive me my anthropomorphism of an iPod. I love Odie. And, he loves me too. I can't remember life before him, and I wouldn't trade one minute of my time with him. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.

The Make Up: Untouchable Sound

When I first heard the Make Up, I was blown away. They were just weird and wonderful and I loved them immediately. That is why I was so excited to hear that there was a live album coming out this February. I picked it up the day it came out, and I was suitably impressed. The same great sound and crazy asides fill the record. And the sound quality of this recording is great. It was recorded live in 2000 at the Black Cat in D.C. by one Mr. Brendan Canty. (If you don't know, I don't have the time to explain)

While their live album "Destination: Love" was also great, "Untouchable Sound" is just that. It brings such life to classics like They Live by Night and I Am Pentagon. I listened to it non-stop when I first got it, and I'm still cranking it right now. There is just no good way to explain the music of the Make Up. No words seem to do it justice. The whole crazy-noise-like Dub Narcotic thing people try and pin on it just doesn't fit. I say listen for yourself and decide. Decide like I did, that it is fabulous.

So any Make Up fans who've been missing them a little, check out the new/old record. I promise you won't be disappointed.

Curious George

I'm pretty much a fan of most kids movies. Some of the Disney/Pixar movies are just plain awesome. And, I'm not ashamed to say I cried at Bambi, Fox and the Hound and Monsters, Inc. So, when I was invited to attend Curious George with some kick ass kids, my three nephews and my niece, of course I said YES! It was a great movie, featuring the voice of the incomparable Will Ferrell. He, of course, was the Man in the Yellow Hat. He goes to Africa to find an artifact to save his job at a fledgling museum, and accidentally brings back the lovable and cute-as-hell George. Much hilarity ensues. I won't give away any more, but needless to say, we all learned a valuable lesson. Not the least of which is that movie food in hella expensive.

But, a good time was had by all. There is nothing cuter than looking over in the dark and seeing my mom holding my nephew in her arms, totally entranced by the movie. It was sweeter than sweet. It is just one of the great moments. So, run out and see a feel good kids movie. Will Ferrell is great, and David Cross is the perfect bad guy.

Return of the Ink

Yes, that is right. The anger couldn't stay down for long. I kicked the crap out of that cold. It lasted two days. Sure, I had to sleep for like 18 hours on Wednesday, take zinc and eat 3 oranges to get rid of it. But, it is gone. New record for me, I think. Anyway, I'm back to my old self and all that. Heading to the homestead of my birth this weekend for a wash and wax, maybe some Curious George with the three terrors. We'll see.

Sickly Inky

After staving off sickness for two weeks while Anthony fought an ear infection, here I am; sick. I hate being sick. I revert to a state of perpetual grouchiness and turn into a little kid. I always have to call my mom, just to let her know I'm not feeling well, so she can comfort me. I don't live close enough for her to bring me soup or anything like that, so I have to get it via a long distance line. It's not really the same.

Mostly, when I feel like this, I walk around my house very slowly, because too many sudden movements hurt my head. I also sit around in the dark, trying not to move to much, as if I will break. Basically I'm a big baby.

So, forgive me for being miserable. Hopefully it won't last too long.

Do you feel lucky, Punk?!

Sometimes, things just work out. Unfortunately for me, in my life, it doesn't happen that often. Most of my misplaced anger stems from this very phenomenon. The traffic, the irritating people, the general bullshit of life. But, every now and then, everything falls into place, the stars align, and you have the nearly perfect moment, where nothing goes wrong and there is nothing to drive you crazy.

This happened to me the other night, when my cousin, my man and I went to see Henry Rollins at the Electric Factory in Philly. Usually, a trip to Philly from where I grew up is a crap shoot. Sometimes you can sail down the Schyulkill Expressway and get to where you are going in 35 minutes. But, then there are the nights, where it is two hours of grid-lock nonsense to go 20 miles. With this in mind, my cousin, Danielle, suggested we convene at 4:30 for a pre-show dinner. At first, I thought, "She's on crack. That is way too early." But, we did. After our dinner at Applebee's, we headed down the road to the highway to head to Philly. Now, this is where the trip can get interesting. But, it was smooth sailing, right down the line, with painless merges and exits.

Due to this good fortune, we arrived at the venue at 6:40, for the show at 8:30 and the doors opening at 7:30. We had wanted to be to the EF by 7:30, because the venue has no seats and, as much as I love Hank, I'm not standing for 2 1/2 hours at my age. So, we needed to get there early to run upstairs to the bar where there are stools. Well, the early part was covered. Early was also a bonus for the parking situation, which on previous trips to the EF, was a block and half away. On this night, we parked 50 feet from the front door. We sat in the car and watched the cars coming in and around 7:10, the line blob started to form. We reluctantly left the warm car, to stand in line in 18 degree weather. But, due to our quick thinking, we were about 15th in line.

Soon after the line started to form, the crack security team started giving us military style briefings on what would be happening with the search before entering. The frisking and such at the EF is intense, and we were prepared, carrying nothing but ID and money and ticket. We also avoided a will-call snafu that was occurring by me purchasing tickets way in advance. Then, on the third announcement he said the magic words. "There are some seats on the floor inside that are first come first serve." Never had more beautiful words been uttered. So, after a few more painful moments, they finally let us in. The frisking was nonexistent this time around, and we soon found ourselves inside and in the heat and heading towards the magical seats. Well, I was willing to settle for about row 3, but my man pointed to the front row seats still available, so we jumped on them.

We congratulated each other heartily for our forethought with the tickets, the departure and the snaring of seats. In a word, we were the shit. We had made the Electric Factory experience our bitch. And, in spite of the cold temps inside, we had nothing left to do but snuggle together and laugh our asses of at the amazing show Henry put on.

Sometimes, life really comes through for you. And, due to the smarts of three unlikely geniuses, we ruled that night. Long may we reign.

*For a complete run-down of the show, check out my man's account
of the evening right here.

What's My Age Again?

This woman I work with made a comment today that I don't seem like someone who is almost 30 years old. She said I seem like I should be younger. See, I'm 29, but am often mistaken for someone much younger. Not that this is a problem. I was blessed with good genes, and look maybe 24 or 25. But, the real issue is about this notion of adulthood, and not really being one. I'm not sure I really even know what it means to be an adult, but the book on me is, that I don't really seem like a person who owns a home, has been married for 6 and 1/2 years and is going to be thirty this year.

I am the youngest in my family and have grappled with the feelings of being too young, never being old enough to do anything cool and always being left out. But, as an adult, I thought all that would go away. But, on some level, it hasn't. I still feel like a little kid a lot of the time. That is probably a lot of my own crap, but I have to admit, I don't feel like a grown up. I abhor most of the connotations that come with it. I never really wanted a real job, I hate "work clothes" or slacks and I still stay up way too late, in spite of the fact that I have to get up early. When the chips are down, I identify more with younger people that I do with people "my age." I quote movies and television, I am very selfish, I like tattoos and piercings, I own too many CD's and I always put myself and my needs first. And, I don't want to stop doing any of it. I don't really want to become an "adult". Not that I begrudge anyone their life, but it's just not for me.

So, what does it mean to be an adult? Is it all mini-vans and early to bed? Or can it be doing dumb, "kid" things forever? I don't know, but maybe someday I'll figure it out.

What the Fuck?!

Those poor, poor little puppies. That is just plain wrong.

-Man, what the hell is wrong with German people? - Kyle, South Park

I'm Just Telling You What I Saw

Have you ever experienced the joy of watching a grandfather and his grandson have a knock-down-drag-out fight right in front of your eyes, complete with shoving and punching. Well, I just did today at work, and I am still stunned. This is an 80+ man, shoving this mountain of a teenager, bitching at him about how he was in WW2 so he should shut up and respect him. It was truly a classic. I tried with all my might not to laugh. It was hard.

This is not the first time that I have been witness to crazy things done and said in public. People seem to like to argue in public venues. Everything from classic "nothing fights" (thanks Dane) to full blown explosions of emotions. And, I have laughed at all of them. I can't help it. But, sometimes it isn't even that serious. It the mundane comments that I love the most.

I was at a bookstore the other week, minding my own business, when I hear a woman and man in the history section, talking rather loudly. It went a little something like this. Man - "Did you find it?" Woman - "No, I can't even concentrate this music is so loud and grating." It was jazz. I ran to my friend to tell them what I had heard and collapsed into laughter. I was out with my man at a restaurant and we heard people at the next table lamenting about what they were going to do, because their hairdryer had broken. They couldn't imagine what their next move should be. UH. . . .BUY A NEW ONE?! People slay me.

Left by the Door

Every now and then, people leave things on our doorstep. Usually it is a solicitation for a charity or a menu of some type. But, the other day, the strangest thing was waiting for me by the door. It was a baggie, which contained 4 round, rubber things and a post-it. The post-it read: "These go under legs when bed is open--saves carpet." So, I suppose these rubber things were made to protect my carpet from a bed. Trouble is, we don't have a fold out bed. The question then became, who left this? And why? Was is some benevolent carpet saving group, just looking out for us? Or could it be that they know something I don't about the statis of my carpet. I guess I'll never know the motivation of this unknown baggie-leaver. The world is a strange and mysterious place, and this post-it is my proof.

Guilty Pleasures: Television

Now, here is where we really get serious. There are so many choices here for guilty pleasures. I mean, reality TV alone makes for a veritable treasure trove of gorgeously bad television. I used to be on a strict diet of no reality television, but I broke down some time ago. That is not to say that there aren't scripted shows that fall under this category as well. So, here we go:

Maury Povich - David, You are the father! Priceless.
Instant Star - NOGN show about a Canadian girl who wins a singing contest, and much drama ensues.
True Life - This MTV series is great. Some of the high points being, "I have a friend with benefits" and "I want plastic surgery."
Nip/Tuck - Not so much of one anymore, but it is a terrifically bad show all the same
Starting Over - Middle aged women with tremendous issues. Hilarious!!
Made-for-TV movies on ABC Family - Like Lucky Seven with Kimberly Williams-Paisley. It was precious.
Dancing with the Stars - I adored this last season. John O'Hurley rocks my world.
Real World/Road Rules Challenge - I used to watch these a lot, but now they are so over the top, I can't even take them anymore.
Elimidate - This is a classic G.P.
Cheaters - Don't see it very often, but the host got stabbed for god sake.

There it is. A brief look at some of the trainwreck television we all love to watch, secretly of course.

Guilty Pleasures: Movies

In keeping with the same theme, I have extended my list of guilty pleasures to movies. There are so many great movies out there. These aren't widely considered among them. These are the ones that every time they come on HBO, I watch them, even though they mostly suck. Each one in their own way, of course. So here we go:

Showgirls - Of course, this is the mack-daddy of all guilty pleasure films.
The Punisher - Not only is this movie hilarious (not on purpose) Thomas Jane is delicious in it, and shirtless a lot.
Center Stage - Ballet movie with maybe two actual actors in it.
Chasing Liberty - The best of the first-daughter oeuvre, I think.
Spice World - Again, I celebrate their entire catalogue.
Morgan's Ferry - I bought this because you see Henry Rollins' naked ass in it. I'm not even sure that there is a plot. I really don't care.
Heathers - Just plain brilliant.

This is by no means a complete list. Believe me. This is merely a smattering.
Coming Soon . . . television!

Guilty Pleasures: Music

We all have them. Those songs that we love, but don't tell anyone we love. This is another hot topic of conversation amongst my friends. I stopped apologizing for my musical tastes years ago, but I have to admit there are a few tracks that I just adore that get me laughed at, or worse. But, I am not ashamed. Because, people, it is sometimes fun to dance around your house to a really sweet, crap-tacular song. So here is a short list of some of mine, in no particular order.

Wait - White Lion
She's Only 17 - Winger
We Built this City - Starship
Spice Up Your Life - Spice Girls (really, I celebrate their whole catalogue)
Back For Good - Take That
Supermodel - Rupaul
Weak - SWV
Prove Your Love - Taylor Dayne
Yeah - Usher
Escape - Rupert Holmes
Islands in the Stream - Dolly Parton feat. Kenny Rogers
Hold On - Wilson Phillips

So, there . . . what are your guilty pleasures?

Early Dismissal

It is a great feeling, getting to leave work early, when everyone else has to stay. Due to my schedule, I get to do it about once every two weeks, and I have to tell you, it feels phenomenal. Everyone seems to get so pissed off that I have to leave, because then they actually have to do work. See, being a grunt, low man on the totem pole, schmendrick, whatever you want to call it, I get stuck doing a lot of shit that other people could easily do themselves. So, for a little while at least, they are stuck having to do the shit work all by their lonesome. It is so nice. I get to go home, eat a snack, have a nap, watch some television, whatever. And, every now and then I look at the clock and think, "Ha Ha, they still have to work for another two hours."

Maybe the paperboy is right, maybe I am just a mean old lady - Sophia, Golden Girls

Harmony in my Head

So, I've been staying up late. Especially on Tuesdays. Particularly on Tuesdays. Late, staring at my computer screen, listening to a radio show, streaming from L.A. Until 1 am. Making me cranky and tired for my shit hole job the next day.

As if my Henry Rollins obsession needs to be fed any more, he has blessed us all with the return of his radio show, Harmony in my Head, on Indie 103.1. So, every Tuesday night, I stay up late, and listen. To stuff I know, stuff I've never heard before. Stuff that sucks, stuff I love, all of it. No matter what it is, I listen. His fanatical footnotes to each song (live, bootleg, German pressing and the like) and the story that goes with it are almost as entertaining as the show itself. Those people who are crazy like that, like me, appreciate the subtle differences things like this make. His story about the first time he saw Ian Svenonius of Nation of Ulysses of course in no way compares to the time I met him at a costume shop in Maryland, but it makes me feel like less of a geek for being so excited by it.

So, screw the job, screw the sleep, I will continue to while away the hours listening to the man spin the tunes, and turn me into a true fanatic.

Jenny Lewis with the Watson Twins: Rabbit Fur Coat

I wasn't so sure about the solo album from the child star turned singer Jenny Lewis. I am a big fan of her band Rilo Kiley, and her side work with the Postal Service. But, all the reviews I heard kept evoking the word "country." But, I was pleasantly surprised by the complex melodies and hand-clapping good fun of this album. Her voice has a clear, vulnerable edge that you don't always get with the more rock-pop of Rilo Kiley. There is a more poetic lyrical style to her songs, that can sometimes be a little disjointed, when compared to her Rilo Kiley lyrics. The songs go from lilting ballads to more honky-tonk style up tempo numbers. I really like "You Are What you Love" and "The Big Guns." Overall, I really like the folksy-twangy vibe of the record. Fans of Rilo Kiley will find it a departure, but I think it's a good one. Give it more than one listen, to allow the full effect to soak in.

Top 5

I'm sure you've all seen the "Friends" where Ross and Rachel make their lists of the 5 celebrities that they would be "allowed" to sleep with. I'm willing to bet that some of you have done this as well. This topic has come up a lot recently with friends and it got me to thinking. I haven't really updated my list in a while. So, I thought I would update my do-able hotties list, and maybe add some new blood to the pack. Some things never change, but others come and go. I also have the honor and the distinction of being the only person I know who has actually met my number one face to face (no sex though, too many other people around). So here it is, I hope it inspires one of your own.

1) Henry Rollins - If you need to ask why, then you don't know me at all.

2) Dave Grohl - Cute as cute can be and funny. What more could a girl want?

3) Ewan McGregor - My God, Moulin Rouge. Need I say more?

4) Hugh Jackman - I sat through Swordfish just to see him. What does that tell you?

5) Jon Stewart - Because sarcasm is the ultimate aphrodisiac.

*Honorable Mentions: John Cusack, Thomas Jane, George Eads, Russell Crowe, Johnathan Rhys-Meyers, Vince Vaughn, Luke Wilson.